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Look At Them, The Fools—All Dancing To My Malevolent Tune

Everyone loves a nice graham cracker. The crunch, the sweet honey flavor, the tasty whole-grain goodness—yes, the wholesome baked snacks truly are hard to resist. There’s just something about Honey Maid graham crackers that makes people want to eat one after another after another. And I find nothing more satisfying than seeing children, seniors, and everyone in between enjoying our trademark golden-brown treats, knowing that each one of these helpless cracker-munching puppets is mindlessly prancing along to the mischievous piper’s song played by none other than yours truly, their diabolical master!

And I say let the fools dance! Let them all dance to my malevolent tune!

Ha-ha-ha!

It’s devilishly simple, is it not? The merest touch of honey and sprinkle of sugar sets these witless buffoons into a wild frenzy, ready to twist and twirl upon my fiendish command. I whisper an entrancing phrase about Honey Maid graham crackers making delicious treats for the whole family—perfect at home or on the go—and they all blindly bend to my will like so many yoked plowbeasts, none the wiser as they stuff their mouths in a stupor of snacking delight.

There is no escaping the nefarious enchantments of Honey Maid’s multitude of tempting flavor varieties and convenient packaging styles; there is only submission to the rule of your Graham Cracker King!

Whether the crackers be original-flavored, cinnamon, or chocolate matters not a whit! These dolts glimpse Honey Maid’s buzzing-bee logo on their supermarket circular—in a 50-cents-off coupon here or two-for-one special there—and soon they’re marching in thoughtless lockstep to the beat of my drum, parading blindly en masse to the snack aisle. Witness how they pluck box after box of my 100-calorie snack packs from their local grocer’s shelves! See how obediently they bring my Teddy Grahams to the checkout counter! Empty-headed pawns, all!

They are soft and supple, like putty in my fingers—molded to whatever schemes of devious graham-crackery I may be hatching!

Come, my pretty playthings! How shall you swing and sway along to my crispity-crunchity melody of deceit today? Will you nibble a few Honey Maid squares in classic fashion, with a tall glass of milk? Will you seal them into your precious Ziploc baggies for later? Will you partake of our recipe-ready graham cracker crusts that make baking a breeze? All fine ways to enjoy our products, and all perverse steps in my mad courante of real-honey goodness.

Behold! None of them dares resist my beguiling spell, for I am their wicked puppeteer and they my feeble-brained marionettes. I pull a string here, a string there, mention Honey Maid’s century-long legacy of quality baked goods, and up they leap—to lunge and grope at supermarket endcap displays and clamor for their cherished confections of enriched wheat flour, sugar, and leavening!

There is no escaping the nefarious enchantments of Honey Maid’s multitude of tempting flavor varieties and convenient packaging styles; there is only submission to the rule of your Graham Cracker King! So, yes, by all means: Have some more low-calorie Go Bites, you hapless whelps! Stuff your mouth with SnakSaks and Grahamfuls graham cracker sandwiches!

With each perforated quadrangle my subjects devour, they become ever more docile! Mine to command and manipulate as I see fit!

Fiddle-dee-dee!

Do not fight it, my oh-so-subservient naïfs. Simply allow yourself to fall ever deeper under the trance of my mesmerizing melody. There, that’s it! Eat the baked-to-perfection wholesomeness right out of my hand. Let your eyes glaze over in thrall to Honey Maid’s line of delectable anytime snack food! Lose yourself forever in the hypnotic net of sweetened, munchable crackers I have cast o’er the earth!

Now, dance for your graham crackers, my pets! Dance!

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Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

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