Man, That Mourning Really Did The Trick!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Man, That Mourning Really Did The Trick!

Hey, have any of you guys ever tried mourning? Like, after someone close to you passes away? Oh my God, you have to. Seriously, it's amazing. After the death of a loved one, a period of grieving totally clears your head. I know that sounds like a bunch of touchy-feely, New Age bullcrap, but it works.

Remember how upset I was after my brother Ben died in that car crash two months ago? For weeks after the funeral, I walked around numb. It didn't seem real that he was gone. Well, all the drinking I was doing didn't help make things any clearer. I'd go to work, come home, get drunk, fall asleep in front of the television, and then do it all over again the next day. Finally, my pants were falling off because I'd been forgetting to eat. That's when I decided to give the mourning process a shot. You know what? It so totally did the trick.

I'll be the first to admit, I didn't think anything would take away the pain and heartbreak of losing my only sibling. But I figured, "What the heck? Anything that might help end my agony is worth a shot!" So I did a little denying, got angry, did a little bit of rationalization. After that, I took a tour through depression, got out the old videotapes of birthday parties and Ben's graduation speech. Watched those. Cried like a baby, but I soldiered on. Glad I did, 'cause today I feel like a million bucks!

You guys know me, right? I'm about as skeptical as they come. I wouldn't talk about some big-deal emotional-healing process if it didn't really work. Mourning works. I'm living proof.

And mine wasn't some mild case of grief, either. Seeing my dead brother in that casket was maybe the worst moment of my life. Knowing that he'd never be coming back, that we'd never argue over some chore or play a game of basketball, made me feel like my heart had been ripped out. But now, it's like I'm seeing a rainbow after weathering a violent thunderstorm. I feel that good.

Yes, I know—ever since I got into the mourning, I can't shut up about it. My family is sick of hearing me talk about it, too. But if they'd only open up their minds and listen, they'd know that I have the cure for what ails them. It's so upsetting to watch them mope around, wishing they could see Ben one more time, when mourning could turn those emotionless stares into smiles again. I mean, I was as horrified as anyone to hear that Ben lingered for hours in a semi-conscious state with his legs pinned under the car, only to die on his way to the hospital. But, hey, I mourned. Now, it's like, "See ya later, emotionally crippling pain and loss!" Seriously, try it. It doesn't cost a cent!

I'm not saying it's a walk in the park—mourning takes time and effort. You know, you've got to cope with the fact that someone you love is gone forever and all that jazz. But with results this extraordinary, it's worth the effort! A few weeks ago, I wanted to die myself, but now it's like, "Who wants to go out for enchiladas?"

One of the fringe benefits of all this is that the cute girls in my building have been real supportive. Every day, a different girl drops by to give me hugs. Now that I went through the whole mourning thing, I'm finally in a position to appreciate all this attention. I even got the number of that total hottie in apartment 7B, because she lost her mother when she was 8 and knows what I'm going through. Well, what I went through. I think I might give her a call tonight to see if she's up for some mini-golf. Thanks, mourning!