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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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Man, That Mourning Really Did The Trick!

Hey, have any of you guys ever tried mourning? Like, after someone close to you passes away? Oh my God, you have to. Seriously, it's amazing. After the death of a loved one, a period of grieving totally clears your head. I know that sounds like a bunch of touchy-feely, New Age bullcrap, but it works.

Remember how upset I was after my brother Ben died in that car crash two months ago? For weeks after the funeral, I walked around numb. It didn't seem real that he was gone. Well, all the drinking I was doing didn't help make things any clearer. I'd go to work, come home, get drunk, fall asleep in front of the television, and then do it all over again the next day. Finally, my pants were falling off because I'd been forgetting to eat. That's when I decided to give the mourning process a shot. You know what? It so totally did the trick.

I'll be the first to admit, I didn't think anything would take away the pain and heartbreak of losing my only sibling. But I figured, "What the heck? Anything that might help end my agony is worth a shot!" So I did a little denying, got angry, did a little bit of rationalization. After that, I took a tour through depression, got out the old videotapes of birthday parties and Ben's graduation speech. Watched those. Cried like a baby, but I soldiered on. Glad I did, 'cause today I feel like a million bucks!

You guys know me, right? I'm about as skeptical as they come. I wouldn't talk about some big-deal emotional-healing process if it didn't really work. Mourning works. I'm living proof.

And mine wasn't some mild case of grief, either. Seeing my dead brother in that casket was maybe the worst moment of my life. Knowing that he'd never be coming back, that we'd never argue over some chore or play a game of basketball, made me feel like my heart had been ripped out. But now, it's like I'm seeing a rainbow after weathering a violent thunderstorm. I feel that good.

Yes, I know—ever since I got into the mourning, I can't shut up about it. My family is sick of hearing me talk about it, too. But if they'd only open up their minds and listen, they'd know that I have the cure for what ails them. It's so upsetting to watch them mope around, wishing they could see Ben one more time, when mourning could turn those emotionless stares into smiles again. I mean, I was as horrified as anyone to hear that Ben lingered for hours in a semi-conscious state with his legs pinned under the car, only to die on his way to the hospital. But, hey, I mourned. Now, it's like, "See ya later, emotionally crippling pain and loss!" Seriously, try it. It doesn't cost a cent!

I'm not saying it's a walk in the park—mourning takes time and effort. You know, you've got to cope with the fact that someone you love is gone forever and all that jazz. But with results this extraordinary, it's worth the effort! A few weeks ago, I wanted to die myself, but now it's like, "Who wants to go out for enchiladas?"

One of the fringe benefits of all this is that the cute girls in my building have been real supportive. Every day, a different girl drops by to give me hugs. Now that I went through the whole mourning thing, I'm finally in a position to appreciate all this attention. I even got the number of that total hottie in apartment 7B, because she lost her mother when she was 8 and knows what I'm going through. Well, what I went through. I think I might give her a call tonight to see if she's up for some mini-golf. Thanks, mourning!

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