Man, The Terrorists Win At Everything

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Vol 41 Issue 34

Bush Calls For Rock Revolution In Weekly Pirate-Radio Address

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush called for an end to corporate rock, "wuss-metal," and sellout-punk in his weekly pirate-radio address Saturday, delivered from an unlicensed mobile transmitter in the back of his presidential limo. "You don't wanna be an American idiot!" said Bush over the opening strains of "Take The Power Back" by Rage Against The Machine. "Reject Clear Channel's spoonfed bullshit! Wake up, motherfuckers!" An estimated 2,000 listeners in the District of Columbia tune in weekly to Bush's notoriously low-fi, DIY show, The Revolution Will Not Be Podcast, broadcast Saturday from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m.

German Luftwaffle Chain Offers Waffles, Overwhelming Air Superiority

MUNICH—An elite force of three dozen 24-hour Luftwaffle restaurants were unveiled across Germany Monday, with free waffles for blond-haired, blue-eyed customers, discounts on Cheese SwasSticks, and the incendiary bombardment of Luftwaffle's largest competitor, the city of London. "Soon, customers will fall under the sway of my lightning-quick, piping-hot Blintzkreig," said Hans Kreuzen, Luftwaffle's founder and oberstmanager-general. "All will know the sweet, buttery taste of fear and waffles from above." Luftwaffle restaurants are expected to face ruthless competition in Germany's already crowded martial-themed eatery business, which is led by such established chains as WehrKnochwurst and Der Marzipanzerkommand.

Missing Park Ranger Found In Better-Paying Job

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Forest Service ranger Lawrence Anderson, missing from his fire-warning post in the Coconino National Forest since mid-July, was found alive and well-off in the manager's office of a Flagstaff Home Depot Sunday. "We announce with a sense of relief that Larry is safe and financially secure," said FBI agent Donald Grasso. Anderson described his years as a ranger as "an ordeal," recounting how he was sometimes forced to subsist on root beer and prepackaged bologna-and-cheese sandwiches from the park gift shop for weeks at a time.

Leaving Hollywood

Lured away by tax breaks and other incentives, many producers have been shooting films outside of Hollywood. What do these alternate locations have to offer?

Entertainment Lawyer 'Fighting The Good Fight'

NEW YORK—Although he works long hours for less than seven figures a year, entertainment lawyer Jude Mortison said knowing that he is "one of the good guys" makes it all worth it. "I might not be one of those big fancy city-courthouse types, but I do my part," said Mortison, who tracks down song lyrics used in published works without proper permission and secures the requisite legal and penalty fees for music publishers. Mortison, who bills $800 an hour, added that the look of satisfaction on the face of Warner Brothers executives is all the additional payment he needs.

Gaza Pullout

In an effort to reinvigorate the Middle East peace process, Israel fulfilled its pledge and withdrew from the Gaza Strip. What do you think?
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Man, The Terrorists Win At Everything

Man, it seems like the harder we fight, the worse things turn out for us, and the better they turn out for the terrorists. They've really played their cards right in this whole war on terror. We've tried racial profiling, random searches, and we even smoked Saddam out of his hole, but they still get away with murder. I'm pretty frickin' tired of it.

Everywhere I go, they've got me wasting a lot of my energy looking out for suspicious people and being worried about suspicious packages. That's just what the terrorists want—me spending less time enjoying my freedom and more time wondering if that towelhead on the bus is one of them. Hey you terrorist big shots, I'm tired of constantly being on edge—how about giving us a chance to win once in a while?

Here's what I'm talking about: Last month, I was watching American Chopper, and they interrupted it right before the bike was finished to announce that the London subways had been bombed. One point terrorists, zero points freedom-lovers.

So, they won that round, no question, but did they have to be such showoffs about it? A week after they got us in the subways, they turned around and got us in the subways again! Like a goddamned touchdown dance. We get the point, assholes. Ever hear of a sore winner?

They even score without taking a shot sometimes. I hit a huge snag in traffic the other day. Give you three guesses why. Turns out they were searching trucks at the toll booths, looking for bombs and terrorists that morning. I was an hour late for work. Man, Osama must have been sitting back in his cave and laughing his ass off at me.

Speaking of that, do you know it costs me almost $70 to fill up my truck nowadays? What really kills me is knowing half of that goes to put food on the bin Laden family dinner table. I mean, they've got this whole global network of secret agents and underground video cells ready to strike at a moment's notice. Meanwhile, I can't even get my e-mail working.

It's just not fair. We passed that whole Patriot Act thing, my little brother's off fighting in Iraq along with about a million other guys, and we're fingerprinting all the Muslims in America, but we're still getting our asses handed to us. What the hell's going on?

I don't think it's out of line to call the terrorists cheaters. Yeah, I said it. We took over two whole countries, and there's still terrorists everywhere. You're supposed to turn yourself in when your country gets taken over, but not them. Come on, guys. Play by the rules once in a while.

I hate the terrorists for hating us, but I gotta respect them for their strategy. Those anthrax letters had everybody afraid to open their mail for months. Not even the Unabomber pulled that off.

If only we could do that to them. Send the terrorists a poison letter. Then they'd think twice about... Aw, who'm I kidding? They'd probably send it right back to us and kill some innocent schoolteacher. They're too smart to fall for any tricks.

Man, I got half a mind to go up to one of those terrorists and give him a piece of my mind. Oh, but I can't—they're in disguise and nobody can find them. There's not even an address I can send a strongly worded letter to.

I tell you, you just can't win with some people.

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