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Man, The Terrorists Win At Everything

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Man, The Terrorists Win At Everything

Man, it seems like the harder we fight, the worse things turn out for us, and the better they turn out for the terrorists. They've really played their cards right in this whole war on terror. We've tried racial profiling, random searches, and we even smoked Saddam out of his hole, but they still get away with murder. I'm pretty frickin' tired of it.

Everywhere I go, they've got me wasting a lot of my energy looking out for suspicious people and being worried about suspicious packages. That's just what the terrorists want—me spending less time enjoying my freedom and more time wondering if that towelhead on the bus is one of them. Hey you terrorist big shots, I'm tired of constantly being on edge—how about giving us a chance to win once in a while?

Here's what I'm talking about: Last month, I was watching American Chopper, and they interrupted it right before the bike was finished to announce that the London subways had been bombed. One point terrorists, zero points freedom-lovers.

So, they won that round, no question, but did they have to be such showoffs about it? A week after they got us in the subways, they turned around and got us in the subways again! Like a goddamned touchdown dance. We get the point, assholes. Ever hear of a sore winner?

They even score without taking a shot sometimes. I hit a huge snag in traffic the other day. Give you three guesses why. Turns out they were searching trucks at the toll booths, looking for bombs and terrorists that morning. I was an hour late for work. Man, Osama must have been sitting back in his cave and laughing his ass off at me.

Speaking of that, do you know it costs me almost $70 to fill up my truck nowadays? What really kills me is knowing half of that goes to put food on the bin Laden family dinner table. I mean, they've got this whole global network of secret agents and underground video cells ready to strike at a moment's notice. Meanwhile, I can't even get my e-mail working.

It's just not fair. We passed that whole Patriot Act thing, my little brother's off fighting in Iraq along with about a million other guys, and we're fingerprinting all the Muslims in America, but we're still getting our asses handed to us. What the hell's going on?

I don't think it's out of line to call the terrorists cheaters. Yeah, I said it. We took over two whole countries, and there's still terrorists everywhere. You're supposed to turn yourself in when your country gets taken over, but not them. Come on, guys. Play by the rules once in a while.

I hate the terrorists for hating us, but I gotta respect them for their strategy. Those anthrax letters had everybody afraid to open their mail for months. Not even the Unabomber pulled that off.

If only we could do that to them. Send the terrorists a poison letter. Then they'd think twice about... Aw, who'm I kidding? They'd probably send it right back to us and kill some innocent schoolteacher. They're too smart to fall for any tricks.

Man, I got half a mind to go up to one of those terrorists and give him a piece of my mind. Oh, but I can't—they're in disguise and nobody can find them. There's not even an address I can send a strongly worded letter to.

I tell you, you just can't win with some people.

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