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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Man, This Pepsi Pop-Culture Bottlecap Game Is Fun!

As a member of the hip, media-savvy "twentysomething" generation, I can tell you that there's nothing I enjoy more than pop-cultural references. They're so Gen-X! My friends and I in the 16- to 28-year-old demographic not only regularly pepper our conversation with them, but we also get really excited when we see them on TV or printed on consumer products.

The way I see it, any product that can speak the language of my peer group, well, that's a product for me. It's like, "Hey, I can relate to that!" So believe me when I tell you that the new Pepsi Pop-Culture Game is the most fun I've had in ages!

For those of you who haven't already heard about this totally rad game, here's how it works: First, you treat yourself to a refreshing, ice-cold bottle of Pepsi. (If you haven't tried one yet, believe me, you'll love it–they're delicious!) Next, collect the one-word gamepieces from underneath the bottle caps and use them to form hip phrases from popular TV shows, songs and movies. If you complete a phrase, you win one of two million prizes, including sunglasses, phone cards and cool Pepsi gear. Awesome!

If you don't have a Pepsi Pop-Culture gameboard and would like to join in on the fun, you can pick one up at one of the more "happening" stores in your neighborhood. Or, if you don't live in a hip part of town, just call Pepsi at 1-800-622-1122. It's toll-free!

My friends and I are so into this game. It's totally us! That's because everybody my age loves Pepsi. In fact, my generation is so closely identified with Pepsi products that we're often referred to as "The Pepsi Generation." It makes sense, then, that Pepsico would be the kind of corporation to create a game this cool.

To give you a better idea of just how cool this game is, let me describe its TV commercial to you. Talk about rad! It's easily one of the bossest ads Pepsi's put out in months! It takes place at this really awesome party, and you can tell right from the start it's gonna be good, because the music playing is Rod Stewart's way-cool 1984 rocker, "Some Guys Have All The Luck"–without question one of his most high-energy, danceable tunes.

There's this guy sitting on a couch, and he sees this really hot girl come in. The girl heads straight toward him, dancing all sexy with the game pieces in her outstretched hands. (Some guys really do have all the luck!) She looks right at him and starts spelling out a phrase, but she runs out of gamepieces just before the very last word. Fortunately, the guy has the gamepiece needed to finish the phrase, and she takes him home with her, probably to have sex. Whoa! That guy must've been the envy of every guy at the party! And all because he was playing the Pepsi Pop-Culture Game! Man, wouldn't you love to have something like that happen to you? I know I sure would!

I can't believe how hip the phrases are, either! Pepsi is definitely speaking my language here. For example, one phrase you can spell is, "Been There, Done That." That phrase's jaded, ironically detached tone captures my own Gen-X slacker attitude to a T. And that's just one of many cool phrases you get to form when you play this game!

Who can forget last year's popular catch phrase, "Don't go there"? What a sassy retort! And remember how awesome it was when Arnold Schwarzenegger delivered the immortal line, "Hasta la vista, baby," in Terminator 2: Judgment Day? Well, now you can relive that super-cool moment by spelling it out yourself!

There are other movie phrases, too. One of them is "You talkin' to me?" which I think is an Al Pacino line from The Godfather, or maybe GoodFellas. But whatever movie it's from, it's loaded with plenty of "Don't mess with me" attitude, and I'm sure "down" with that!

Now, I realize that some of you old geezers may still be wondering, "Why do the kids of today communicate with such crazy phrases?" Well, I guess it's just part of what makes our "scene" so unique. After all, we're only the second generation in history to have been raised on television and rock 'n' roll, so we have a totally radical perspective on life, a perspective that older, "square" people just don't "get." So make way, old-timers! Get with it! If the kids are united, they shall never be divided! The new Pepsi Pop-Culture Game is out of this world!

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