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Matt Damon Is Good Will Dating!

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Matt Damon Is Good Will Dating!

Item! Actor Matt Damon has a new beau! (Or is it belle? I never was very good at French.) The hunky Hollywood star has been spotted around town squiring none other than that gorgeous "Policewoman" Angie Dickinson! Now, tongues are wagging at the age difference between the two, but I say nothing should stand in the way of true love.... ever.

Asking if Dennis Miller is funny is like asking if hamburgers are good for you.

Item! According to my sources, actress Ally McBeal is getting skinny.... way too skinny. McBeal turned heads at this year's Emmy Awards when she showed up in a backless dress revealing a gnarled, bony spine protruding from her back. With her own hit show on Fox, McBeal must have plenty of money, so I can't understand why she would deny herself a good meal. You've gotta put some meat on your bones, Ally, we're worried about you!

Speaking of Fox, frankly, I don't see what the whole brouhaha is over the new sitcom The Secret Diary Of Demond Wilson. In fact, I quite enjoyed it. Mrs. Mary Todd Lincoln has indeed "got back"!

What does every house need? A good flashlight! But don't forget to put in fresh batteries!

Item! Talk-show hostess, actress, brassy comedienne and all-around wonder woman Rosie O'Donnell has taken up a new hobby.... rollerblading! One of my more reliable sources informs me that Rosie has decided the strange-looking rollerskates are just the thing she needs to stay fit and have fun, too. I suppose it will help her keep up with her two kids, as well. Does this mean we'll see more people turning to this truly loco form of locomotion? If anyone can make them popular, Rosie can!

Good luck to John Glenn, who at age 83 is returning to outer space for the first time since 1983's The Right Stuff. Make America proud, Mr. Glenn, and I hope you don't die up there.

Item! Sorry, ladies, but hunky Today Show host Matt Lauer is now spoken for! That's right, the man who gets millions of women's hearts pumping weekday mornings tied the knot over the weekend to a pretty model. If you were hoping to snag Matt for yourself, you'll just have to keep your fingers crossed for a bitter divorce down the road!

It may not be "cool" any more, but I'll take a virgin Rob Roy at Chet's Melody Lounge over your martinis any day.

Item! Sexy songbird Mariah Carey has apparently broken it off with star Yankee pitcher David Wells. Apparently, Carey was getting tired of her Bronx Beau being on the road all the time. Oh, well, maybe Mariah can channel her sadness over the romantic breakup into another mega-hit.

In the now-you-tell-me department, The Rolling Stones went on tour again, and I missed it! I can't believe nobody told me! Talk about dis-satisfaction! I've been a huge Stones fan for years and haven't missed a tour since the Budweiser Steel Wheels tour! It would have been great to see Mick Jagger out there, strutting his stuff like it was 1989 all over again. All I can say, Mick, is that I'm sorry I missed you. Readers, you have to promise me something: The next time The Rolling Stones go on tour, you have to tell me. I don't want to lose out again!

If I had to choose between frames and just plain matting, you'd better believe I'd take frames. But if it's between glasses and contacts, I'll leave the frames behind!

Speaking of glasses, wouldn't Jamie Lee Curtis look a bit less dowdy if she got rid of hers? That's no way for the Queen Of Screams to present herself!

What's all this fuss about impeachment? I don't think the president deserves any hugs for what he did, but that's a matter that he, his family and God have to deal with. Let the man do his job, for Pete's sake! It's the right thing to do. And, by the way, we're all so sick of hearing about this. Can't we just move on and turn our attention toward more pressing matters.... like whether Vince Vaugahn and Ann Hech are fooling around?

Like The Zombies said, "It's the time of the season..." for scaring! But don't let this Halloween turn into a tragic one. Be sure to play it safe out there, and parents, make sure your kids aren't attacked by child molesters.

In case you were wondering, I'm going as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca this year. Here's looking at you, Sam! Stay safe, and happy haunting!

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