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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Matt Damon Is Good Will Dating!

Item! Actor Matt Damon has a new beau! (Or is it belle? I never was very good at French.) The hunky Hollywood star has been spotted around town squiring none other than that gorgeous "Policewoman" Angie Dickinson! Now, tongues are wagging at the age difference between the two, but I say nothing should stand in the way of true love.... ever.

Asking if Dennis Miller is funny is like asking if hamburgers are good for you.

Item! According to my sources, actress Ally McBeal is getting skinny.... way too skinny. McBeal turned heads at this year's Emmy Awards when she showed up in a backless dress revealing a gnarled, bony spine protruding from her back. With her own hit show on Fox, McBeal must have plenty of money, so I can't understand why she would deny herself a good meal. You've gotta put some meat on your bones, Ally, we're worried about you!

Speaking of Fox, frankly, I don't see what the whole brouhaha is over the new sitcom The Secret Diary Of Demond Wilson. In fact, I quite enjoyed it. Mrs. Mary Todd Lincoln has indeed "got back"!

What does every house need? A good flashlight! But don't forget to put in fresh batteries!

Item! Talk-show hostess, actress, brassy comedienne and all-around wonder woman Rosie O'Donnell has taken up a new hobby.... rollerblading! One of my more reliable sources informs me that Rosie has decided the strange-looking rollerskates are just the thing she needs to stay fit and have fun, too. I suppose it will help her keep up with her two kids, as well. Does this mean we'll see more people turning to this truly loco form of locomotion? If anyone can make them popular, Rosie can!

Good luck to John Glenn, who at age 83 is returning to outer space for the first time since 1983's The Right Stuff. Make America proud, Mr. Glenn, and I hope you don't die up there.

Item! Sorry, ladies, but hunky Today Show host Matt Lauer is now spoken for! That's right, the man who gets millions of women's hearts pumping weekday mornings tied the knot over the weekend to a pretty model. If you were hoping to snag Matt for yourself, you'll just have to keep your fingers crossed for a bitter divorce down the road!

It may not be "cool" any more, but I'll take a virgin Rob Roy at Chet's Melody Lounge over your martinis any day.

Item! Sexy songbird Mariah Carey has apparently broken it off with star Yankee pitcher David Wells. Apparently, Carey was getting tired of her Bronx Beau being on the road all the time. Oh, well, maybe Mariah can channel her sadness over the romantic breakup into another mega-hit.

In the now-you-tell-me department, The Rolling Stones went on tour again, and I missed it! I can't believe nobody told me! Talk about dis-satisfaction! I've been a huge Stones fan for years and haven't missed a tour since the Budweiser Steel Wheels tour! It would have been great to see Mick Jagger out there, strutting his stuff like it was 1989 all over again. All I can say, Mick, is that I'm sorry I missed you. Readers, you have to promise me something: The next time The Rolling Stones go on tour, you have to tell me. I don't want to lose out again!

If I had to choose between frames and just plain matting, you'd better believe I'd take frames. But if it's between glasses and contacts, I'll leave the frames behind!

Speaking of glasses, wouldn't Jamie Lee Curtis look a bit less dowdy if she got rid of hers? That's no way for the Queen Of Screams to present herself!

What's all this fuss about impeachment? I don't think the president deserves any hugs for what he did, but that's a matter that he, his family and God have to deal with. Let the man do his job, for Pete's sake! It's the right thing to do. And, by the way, we're all so sick of hearing about this. Can't we just move on and turn our attention toward more pressing matters.... like whether Vince Vaugahn and Ann Hech are fooling around?

Like The Zombies said, "It's the time of the season..." for scaring! But don't let this Halloween turn into a tragic one. Be sure to play it safe out there, and parents, make sure your kids aren't attacked by child molesters.

In case you were wondering, I'm going as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca this year. Here's looking at you, Sam! Stay safe, and happy haunting!

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