Matt Damon Is Good Will Dating!

In This Section

Vol 34 Issue 13

Fox News Channel Adds Laugh Track

LOS ANGELES–Seeking to distinguish itself in the highly competitive arena of TV news, Fox News Channel added a laugh track to its broadcast Monday. "We found that viewers responded better to footage of flood-ravaged Texans and the mutilated bodies of ethnic Albanians when accompanied by canned laughter," network president Allen Rudd said. "This really seems to help viewers better digest and enjoy the oft-difficult content." Depending on the success of the experiment, titillating whoops and "whoahs" will be added to stories concerning the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal.

Scott Bakula Turns 43, Newspaper Reports

JACKSONVILLE, FL–According to a report in Monday's Jacksonville Times-Union, former Quantum Leap star Scott Bakula has turned 43. "Scott Bakula.... 43" read the report, which appeared in the newspaper's "Lifestyle" section. The story went on to note that Lou Rawls, Penny Marshall, Kate Jackson and Bruce Jenner also had birthdays Monday. Times-Union editor Pat Krause refused to reveal his newspaper's source for the story.

Area Units Really Moving

GALVESTON, TX–Units are really moving at ABC Appliance Warehouse, assistant manager Ralph Hutchins reported Tuesday. "We moved about 300 units today, with almost 75 units moving between 9 and 10 a.m. alone," Hutchins said. "That's a hell of a lot of units to move off the shelves in just one day." If demand for units continues at its current pace, Hutchins said they might have to go on back-order. "We've had to limit people to one unit a piece as it is," he said.

Local Gym Teacher Loves Forcing Children To Dance

HUTCHINSON, KS–Coach Milt Brundage, physical-education teacher at Hutchinson Middle School, derives pleasure from forcing pre-adolescents to dance on command, it was revealed Monday. "Oh, to make the children dance," the 58-year-old Brundage said. "To play 'Alley Cat' for hours on end, sternly admonishing those who fall behind so that they must speed themselves, it is my greatest joy in life." Brundage has warned students in his second-period gym class that he will extend their social-dance unit another two weeks if they do not begin to show an acceptable level of enthusiasm. "Dance! Dance for my amusement!" he told the gawky, forlorn seventh-graders.

Starr Taunts Clinton With Humiliating 'Sittin' In A Tree' Song

WASHINGTON, DC–In his latest salvo against the president, Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr publicly taunted Bill Clinton Tuesday with the humiliating "sittin' in a tree" song. "Bill and Monica / Sittin' in a tree / K-I-S-S-I-N-G," Starr sang to reporters at a Washington Hilton press conference. "First comes love / Then comes marriage / Then comes Bill with the baby carriage." Upon completion of the song's first verse, Starr abruptly ended the press conference. Spokespersons for Starr said he has not ruled out the possibility of singing the "wetting his pants / hula-hula dance" verse–widely considered the most devastating of the entire song–at a later date.

Hollywood Eating Disorders

Helen Hunt, Courteney Cox and Ally McBeal's Calista Flockhart are among a wave of actresses recently rumored to have eating disorders. What do you think about extreme thinness in Hollywood?

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Customer Service

Late Night

Matt Damon Is Good Will Dating!

Item! Actor Matt Damon has a new beau! (Or is it belle? I never was very good at French.) The hunky Hollywood star has been spotted around town squiring none other than that gorgeous "Policewoman" Angie Dickinson! Now, tongues are wagging at the age difference between the two, but I say nothing should stand in the way of true love.... ever.

Asking if Dennis Miller is funny is like asking if hamburgers are good for you.

Item! According to my sources, actress Ally McBeal is getting skinny.... way too skinny. McBeal turned heads at this year's Emmy Awards when she showed up in a backless dress revealing a gnarled, bony spine protruding from her back. With her own hit show on Fox, McBeal must have plenty of money, so I can't understand why she would deny herself a good meal. You've gotta put some meat on your bones, Ally, we're worried about you!

Speaking of Fox, frankly, I don't see what the whole brouhaha is over the new sitcom The Secret Diary Of Demond Wilson. In fact, I quite enjoyed it. Mrs. Mary Todd Lincoln has indeed "got back"!

What does every house need? A good flashlight! But don't forget to put in fresh batteries!

Item! Talk-show hostess, actress, brassy comedienne and all-around wonder woman Rosie O'Donnell has taken up a new hobby.... rollerblading! One of my more reliable sources informs me that Rosie has decided the strange-looking rollerskates are just the thing she needs to stay fit and have fun, too. I suppose it will help her keep up with her two kids, as well. Does this mean we'll see more people turning to this truly loco form of locomotion? If anyone can make them popular, Rosie can!

Good luck to John Glenn, who at age 83 is returning to outer space for the first time since 1983's The Right Stuff. Make America proud, Mr. Glenn, and I hope you don't die up there.

Item! Sorry, ladies, but hunky Today Show host Matt Lauer is now spoken for! That's right, the man who gets millions of women's hearts pumping weekday mornings tied the knot over the weekend to a pretty model. If you were hoping to snag Matt for yourself, you'll just have to keep your fingers crossed for a bitter divorce down the road!

It may not be "cool" any more, but I'll take a virgin Rob Roy at Chet's Melody Lounge over your martinis any day.

Item! Sexy songbird Mariah Carey has apparently broken it off with star Yankee pitcher David Wells. Apparently, Carey was getting tired of her Bronx Beau being on the road all the time. Oh, well, maybe Mariah can channel her sadness over the romantic breakup into another mega-hit.

In the now-you-tell-me department, The Rolling Stones went on tour again, and I missed it! I can't believe nobody told me! Talk about dis-satisfaction! I've been a huge Stones fan for years and haven't missed a tour since the Budweiser Steel Wheels tour! It would have been great to see Mick Jagger out there, strutting his stuff like it was 1989 all over again. All I can say, Mick, is that I'm sorry I missed you. Readers, you have to promise me something: The next time The Rolling Stones go on tour, you have to tell me. I don't want to lose out again!

If I had to choose between frames and just plain matting, you'd better believe I'd take frames. But if it's between glasses and contacts, I'll leave the frames behind!

Speaking of glasses, wouldn't Jamie Lee Curtis look a bit less dowdy if she got rid of hers? That's no way for the Queen Of Screams to present herself!

What's all this fuss about impeachment? I don't think the president deserves any hugs for what he did, but that's a matter that he, his family and God have to deal with. Let the man do his job, for Pete's sake! It's the right thing to do. And, by the way, we're all so sick of hearing about this. Can't we just move on and turn our attention toward more pressing matters.... like whether Vince Vaugahn and Ann Hech are fooling around?

Like The Zombies said, "It's the time of the season..." for scaring! But don't let this Halloween turn into a tragic one. Be sure to play it safe out there, and parents, make sure your kids aren't attacked by child molesters.

In case you were wondering, I'm going as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca this year. Here's looking at you, Sam! Stay safe, and happy haunting!

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More