adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
End Of Section
  • More News

Matt Damon Is Good Will Dating!

Item! Actor Matt Damon has a new beau! (Or is it belle? I never was very good at French.) The hunky Hollywood star has been spotted around town squiring none other than that gorgeous "Policewoman" Angie Dickinson! Now, tongues are wagging at the age difference between the two, but I say nothing should stand in the way of true love.... ever.

Asking if Dennis Miller is funny is like asking if hamburgers are good for you.

Item! According to my sources, actress Ally McBeal is getting skinny.... way too skinny. McBeal turned heads at this year's Emmy Awards when she showed up in a backless dress revealing a gnarled, bony spine protruding from her back. With her own hit show on Fox, McBeal must have plenty of money, so I can't understand why she would deny herself a good meal. You've gotta put some meat on your bones, Ally, we're worried about you!

Speaking of Fox, frankly, I don't see what the whole brouhaha is over the new sitcom The Secret Diary Of Demond Wilson. In fact, I quite enjoyed it. Mrs. Mary Todd Lincoln has indeed "got back"!

What does every house need? A good flashlight! But don't forget to put in fresh batteries!

Item! Talk-show hostess, actress, brassy comedienne and all-around wonder woman Rosie O'Donnell has taken up a new hobby.... rollerblading! One of my more reliable sources informs me that Rosie has decided the strange-looking rollerskates are just the thing she needs to stay fit and have fun, too. I suppose it will help her keep up with her two kids, as well. Does this mean we'll see more people turning to this truly loco form of locomotion? If anyone can make them popular, Rosie can!

Good luck to John Glenn, who at age 83 is returning to outer space for the first time since 1983's The Right Stuff. Make America proud, Mr. Glenn, and I hope you don't die up there.

Item! Sorry, ladies, but hunky Today Show host Matt Lauer is now spoken for! That's right, the man who gets millions of women's hearts pumping weekday mornings tied the knot over the weekend to a pretty model. If you were hoping to snag Matt for yourself, you'll just have to keep your fingers crossed for a bitter divorce down the road!

It may not be "cool" any more, but I'll take a virgin Rob Roy at Chet's Melody Lounge over your martinis any day.

Item! Sexy songbird Mariah Carey has apparently broken it off with star Yankee pitcher David Wells. Apparently, Carey was getting tired of her Bronx Beau being on the road all the time. Oh, well, maybe Mariah can channel her sadness over the romantic breakup into another mega-hit.

In the now-you-tell-me department, The Rolling Stones went on tour again, and I missed it! I can't believe nobody told me! Talk about dis-satisfaction! I've been a huge Stones fan for years and haven't missed a tour since the Budweiser Steel Wheels tour! It would have been great to see Mick Jagger out there, strutting his stuff like it was 1989 all over again. All I can say, Mick, is that I'm sorry I missed you. Readers, you have to promise me something: The next time The Rolling Stones go on tour, you have to tell me. I don't want to lose out again!

If I had to choose between frames and just plain matting, you'd better believe I'd take frames. But if it's between glasses and contacts, I'll leave the frames behind!

Speaking of glasses, wouldn't Jamie Lee Curtis look a bit less dowdy if she got rid of hers? That's no way for the Queen Of Screams to present herself!

What's all this fuss about impeachment? I don't think the president deserves any hugs for what he did, but that's a matter that he, his family and God have to deal with. Let the man do his job, for Pete's sake! It's the right thing to do. And, by the way, we're all so sick of hearing about this. Can't we just move on and turn our attention toward more pressing matters.... like whether Vince Vaugahn and Ann Hech are fooling around?

Like The Zombies said, "It's the time of the season..." for scaring! But don't let this Halloween turn into a tragic one. Be sure to play it safe out there, and parents, make sure your kids aren't attacked by child molesters.

In case you were wondering, I'm going as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca this year. Here's looking at you, Sam! Stay safe, and happy haunting!

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close