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Matt Damon Is Good Will Dating!

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Matt Damon Is Good Will Dating!

Item! Actor Matt Damon has a new beau! (Or is it belle? I never was very good at French.) The hunky Hollywood star has been spotted around town squiring none other than that gorgeous "Policewoman" Angie Dickinson! Now, tongues are wagging at the age difference between the two, but I say nothing should stand in the way of true love.... ever.

Asking if Dennis Miller is funny is like asking if hamburgers are good for you.

Item! According to my sources, actress Ally McBeal is getting skinny.... way too skinny. McBeal turned heads at this year's Emmy Awards when she showed up in a backless dress revealing a gnarled, bony spine protruding from her back. With her own hit show on Fox, McBeal must have plenty of money, so I can't understand why she would deny herself a good meal. You've gotta put some meat on your bones, Ally, we're worried about you!

Speaking of Fox, frankly, I don't see what the whole brouhaha is over the new sitcom The Secret Diary Of Demond Wilson. In fact, I quite enjoyed it. Mrs. Mary Todd Lincoln has indeed "got back"!

What does every house need? A good flashlight! But don't forget to put in fresh batteries!

Item! Talk-show hostess, actress, brassy comedienne and all-around wonder woman Rosie O'Donnell has taken up a new hobby.... rollerblading! One of my more reliable sources informs me that Rosie has decided the strange-looking rollerskates are just the thing she needs to stay fit and have fun, too. I suppose it will help her keep up with her two kids, as well. Does this mean we'll see more people turning to this truly loco form of locomotion? If anyone can make them popular, Rosie can!

Good luck to John Glenn, who at age 83 is returning to outer space for the first time since 1983's The Right Stuff. Make America proud, Mr. Glenn, and I hope you don't die up there.

Item! Sorry, ladies, but hunky Today Show host Matt Lauer is now spoken for! That's right, the man who gets millions of women's hearts pumping weekday mornings tied the knot over the weekend to a pretty model. If you were hoping to snag Matt for yourself, you'll just have to keep your fingers crossed for a bitter divorce down the road!

It may not be "cool" any more, but I'll take a virgin Rob Roy at Chet's Melody Lounge over your martinis any day.

Item! Sexy songbird Mariah Carey has apparently broken it off with star Yankee pitcher David Wells. Apparently, Carey was getting tired of her Bronx Beau being on the road all the time. Oh, well, maybe Mariah can channel her sadness over the romantic breakup into another mega-hit.

In the now-you-tell-me department, The Rolling Stones went on tour again, and I missed it! I can't believe nobody told me! Talk about dis-satisfaction! I've been a huge Stones fan for years and haven't missed a tour since the Budweiser Steel Wheels tour! It would have been great to see Mick Jagger out there, strutting his stuff like it was 1989 all over again. All I can say, Mick, is that I'm sorry I missed you. Readers, you have to promise me something: The next time The Rolling Stones go on tour, you have to tell me. I don't want to lose out again!

If I had to choose between frames and just plain matting, you'd better believe I'd take frames. But if it's between glasses and contacts, I'll leave the frames behind!

Speaking of glasses, wouldn't Jamie Lee Curtis look a bit less dowdy if she got rid of hers? That's no way for the Queen Of Screams to present herself!

What's all this fuss about impeachment? I don't think the president deserves any hugs for what he did, but that's a matter that he, his family and God have to deal with. Let the man do his job, for Pete's sake! It's the right thing to do. And, by the way, we're all so sick of hearing about this. Can't we just move on and turn our attention toward more pressing matters.... like whether Vince Vaugahn and Ann Hech are fooling around?

Like The Zombies said, "It's the time of the season..." for scaring! But don't let this Halloween turn into a tragic one. Be sure to play it safe out there, and parents, make sure your kids aren't attacked by child molesters.

In case you were wondering, I'm going as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca this year. Here's looking at you, Sam! Stay safe, and happy haunting!

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