Maybe Baby?

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Vol 32 Issue 16

Chuck Yeager Dies In Fiery Kitchen Mishap

MOJAVE, CA—Chuck Yeager, the stoic, hard-living, daredevil Air Force test pilot whose never-say-die approach and fearless pushing of the limits of human achievement were immortalized in Tom Wolfe's The Right Stuff, died in a dramatic wall of flames Monday when a malfunction occurred in the electronic components of his kitchen’s microwave oven. Yeager—who had survived high-speed stress-induced blackouts, engine burnouts and experimental-jet crash landings to set altitude and speed records, including his legendary 1947 breaking of the sound barrier—was reportedly toasting several bite-sized pizza pockets at the time of the equipment breakdown. "Chuck could’ve gotten out," retired Air Force captain and longtime Yeager friend Vernon Sawyer said. "But he insisted on finishing what he set out to do: heat and consume those snack-food items. He was very brave."

Glorious New Tomorrow Postponed Indefinitely

EARTH—In a move many observers described as inevitable, representatives of nearly every major belief system on Earth announced Monday the indefinite postponement of the glorious new tomorrow that has been collectively promised humankind for more than six millennia. "Whether it be redemption from sin under the second coming of the Messiah; a classless society under a dictatorship of the proletariat; a war-free state of universal peace and brotherhood following a unilateral nuclear disarmament; perfect free trade in a coercion-free marketplace; an enlightened 'nirvana' state after a series of karma-accumulating reincarnations; a state of clear through the spiritual-purification techniques of the Church of Scientology; or a state of perfect, rock-hard abs under the tutelage of cable-television fitness guru Tony Little, it would appear that the glorious new tomorrow toward which we have all been striving is, unfortunately, not a tenable goal for the near future," said motivational speaker and Personal Power author Anthony Robbins. Billions of suicides worldwide are expected to result from the announcement.

Eating Enthusiast Acquires Chocolate Eclair

DULUTH, MN—Longtime eater and admirer of fine edibles Douglas Hundt proudly added a Zuckerman’s Bakery chocolate eclair to his extensive pantry Monday at a reported cost of $1.75. "I am very pleased with this newest purchase," Hundt told reporters. "I am confident that this eclair, like others I have previously acquired, will provide me with great eating enjoyment." Hundt had previously made news with his 1995 landmark purchase of a four-foot party sub from Hungry Howie’s and a May ’97 20-nugget deal with the McDonald’s corporation.

Today's Kids Have No Valor

I am Higelac of the Healfdanes, and I have spoken. The youth of today have no valor. No courage of kings. T-shirts? Blue jeans? When I was a young man, we wore bone helmets and horns that proclaimed our kinship with valorous deeds of courage.

Depends Ain't So Damn Dependable

Lately, I've been getting pretty tired of having to change my pants constantly. It's no fun having to go put on a pair of fresh trousers every time a dog barks or a door slams too loud.

Clinton Written Up By 'Total Bitch' Supervisor

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton once again became the focus of departmental scrutiny Monday when he was written up for the second time in less than a month by his immediate supervisor, presidential second-shift crew manager Diane Helbke. It was the third such incident this pay period for the embattled president.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Maybe Baby?

What a crazy month and a half this has been! First, my brother Kevin and his family dropped by for a surprise visit. They were driving up from Indiana on their way to South Dakota to see Wall Drug and buy fireworks, and Kevin called us from the big Shell station on Hwy. 27 saying they'd be coming by in half an hour. You should have seen me trying to clean the joint! I was frantic! Of course, the apartment was a pig sty, which was mostly due to all of hubby Rick's old pizza boxes lying around. He says cleaning is woman's work. (If that's true, then I guess sleeping is man's work, since that's what Rick does all weekend whenever he doesn't have to be at the tire center!)

Anyway, Kevin and Paula and their three kids, Tai, Tyler, and Taylor, showed up as planned, and we had a cookout on our apartment porch. I couldn't believe how much those kids had grown! And, I must admit, it still seems weird to see Kevin acting like a responsible daddy. He used to be such a mega party animal when he was younger! He and Rick and their old high-school buddies used to hang out at the park at all hours of the night, drinking and smoking pot and listening to Jethro Tull. Then Kevin kind of cleaned up his act and pulled himself together. He's been a member of Promise Keepers for several years, and he went to the D.C. rally.

But anyway, back to Kevin and Paula's visit. Kevin and Rick were standing near the grill (I think men need to control the grill even more than they do the remote!), drinking Bud and discussing life. They were getting along royally, yakking away about NASCAR and Kevin's new electric saw and guy stuff in general. Then there was a lull in the conversation, and Kevin said, "So Rick, when am I going to be an uncle?" So clueless Rick said, "What are you talking about? You already are!" (Rick was referring to the fact that my sister Becky has kids. I'm amazed he remembered!)

"That's not what I meant," Kevin replied, smirking. "I meant, when are you and my sister going to have a litter? You've been married for how long now, almost 20 years?"

And you know what Rick said? "It's too late for the wife now. She has menopause." I couldn't believe my ears! That is not true, and he knows it! I almost decked him right there, I felt so humiliated! "I most certainly do not, Rick Teasdale!" I shouted. "Come off it, Rick," Kevin said.

So then Rick muttered something about kids being a big pain in the you-know-what, and, besides, he didn't want to have to share his beer with them. I think he was kidding about that last part, but it just goes to show Rick's flippant attitude about everything.

Kevin didn't let him off the hook, though. He gave Rick this big lecture about being a man and being responsible, and how we owe it to God to have kids, and didn't he want the Teasdale line to continue? Rick kind of grumbled and had this hangdog expression on his face, like he was a bad boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Embarrassed as I was at the time, I'm actually kind of glad Kevin made a scene and got on Rick's case. I don't see why Rick's so shy about having kids. I think they're sooo cute! Besides, it's important that we have them: Children are this planet's future.

You know, I think I'd make a pretty good mother, too. I have so many toys already, you'd think I had eight kids! Granted, a lot of my stuff isn't really for young kids because it's collectible and worth a lot of money, like my Miss History Dolls and my Partridge Family board game.

We also live right near Wal-Mart, so it wouldn't be a big hassle getting diapers. And I'm patient, too. Last week, when Taylor cracked one of my McDonald's Hercules plates, and Tai unspooled Rick's favorite Travis Tritt tape, I didn't lose my temper at all. Paula smacked them both and they made one heck of a ruckus, but I thought it was perfectly natural, kids misbehaving a bit like that.

Later that evening, after Kevin and his family left, I was in bed reading Redbook. Hubby Rick walked in, and I was startled, because he'd been so uncharacteristically quiet after Kevin's dressing-down. He kind of lingered near the doorway, looking at me without saying a word. "What's the matter with you?" I asked him. He looked down at his feet, and, semi-audibly, he said, "Wanna do it tonight?"

I couldn't believe my ears! "How much beer did you have tonight, Rick?" I asked. Rick's face flushed, and he got all defensive and said, "I'm sorry I asked, but what's wrong with a husband and wife doing it every now and then, and why do people get married in the first place, anyway?" (I hate how he calls it "doing it." Granted, it's not a swear, but it's just so... impersonal. I much prefer the term "making whoopee.") Figuring he was just drunk and didn't really mean it, I told Rick to go to bed and sleep it off.

But I was wrong! Evidently, Kevin's little talk about kids had gotten to him, because he kept persisting, one day after the next. So, a week after he first asked, I finally took him up on it. Yes, folks, you read it right—hubby Rick and I made whoopee!

I was thrilled that Rick had finally come around. (Though he hasn't changed in one respect—he still falls asleep right after he does his deed!) And I couldn't believe my luck when my period was one day late! I always get it on the 13th of the month, like clockwork. What luck!

Or so I thought. Sorry, folks, false alarm: I got my period two days later. Nope, Jean Teasdale ain't preggers yet, and there's no Jean Jr. in the works.

And, wouldn't you know it, Rick's playing hard-to-get again, always grumbling that he's tired or has indigestion or something. I guess Kevin's talk wore off, but he swears that Kevin had nothing to do with it in the first place. He says he just felt like doing it that night. Ha! Well, I'm not giving up without a fight. Come heck or high water, I'm going to relight the flame of our love. I don't care if I have to buy every plus-size teddy I can find!

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