Maybe This Appearance On Jenny Jones Is Just What My Marriage Needs

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Eleven-Year-Old Has Miniskirt, Pumps, Vague Notion Of What Sex Is

EL CENTRO, CA–According to reports, area 11-year-old Brianna Kimble possesses a black miniskirt, red-vinyl pumps with two-inch heels, and a vague understanding of the concept of sex. "We're not supposed to cover that until the seventh grade," said Kimble, sporting a midriff-baring "Porn Star" T-shirt, "but I know it's got something to do with when you take off your clothes and do stuff with a boy. And I think I heard somewhere that you can catch, like, diseases from it." Kimble then applied copious amounts of Hello Kitty Glitter Gloss to her lips.

NAACP Demands Less Minority Representation On UPN

BALTIMORE–Decrying the strong presence of African Americans on such programs as Malcolm & Eddie, Shasta, and The Parkers, NAACP president Kweisi Mfume called Monday for a significant reduction in minority representation on UPN. "We must step up pressure on this network to decrease the visibility of our people," said Mfume, addressing the NAACP's Board Of Directors. "America is just 13 percent black, yet on these crappy shows, we make up a full 85 percent. This is utterly unacceptable." Mfume then called for a boycott of UPN until the network "severely underrepresents us."

Message Under Juice Cap Totally Applies To Area Woman

GOOSE CREEK, TX–An inspirational message printed on the underside of an Elliott's Amazing Apple Juice bottle cap "totally applies" to area resident Carole Smith, 38. "It says, 'Often the things we search for most are already here.' That is so true," said Smith, opening the bottle. "Like friends and family and stuff." Smith praised the juice cap as "so deep."

Spelling Error Leads To Elaborate Cover-Up Doodle

OREM, UT–A spelling error led to an elaborate cover-up doodle Monday, when Lisa Cone, 16, buried evidence that she had misspelled "your" as "you're." "Luckily, I was able to transform the 'e' into a cartoon face, using the loop in the 'e' as a nose and drawing eyes above it," Cone said. "I then got rid of the apostrophe by thickening the left side of the vertical line in the 'r' until it was swallowed up entirely."

Coworkers Unable To Put Finger On What's Weird About Gary

WANTAGH, NY–For the third straight week, Gary Thurlow's coworkers at Liberty Travel remain unable to pin down what's weird about him. "I can't quite put my finger on it," Jessica Spivak said, "but there's something kinda odd." Explanations have included his mode of dress, the way he sits, the tenor of his voice, and that thing he does with his hands.

Wall Street's Wild Ride

The Dow and Nasdaq have been extremely volatile of late, plunging one minute and soaring the next. What do you think of all the wild fluctuations on Wall Street?

Did Six Million Really Visit The Holocaust Museum?

Did six million people really visit the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum since it opened in April 1993? That's what the United States Holocaust Memorial Council would have you believe, and if all you've been exposed to is its Zionist propaganda, you probably do. But just how many people have actually passed through the Holocaust Museum's doors?
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Maybe This Appearance On Jenny Jones Is Just What My Marriage Needs

My husband Cal and I have been going through some pretty tough times in our marriage lately. For the past three months, Cal's been cheating on me with Rhonda, this 18-year-old stripper who used to babysit for us. And just yesterday, after beating me with a tire iron, he told me Rhonda's pregnant and wants us to raise the child.

As you can probably guess, I'm furious at Cal. But I'm not perfect, either: I did, after all, have sex with his father. All sorts of confused thoughts run through my head, and I just don't know what to do. My mother thinks I should dump "that piece-of-shit asshole fuck," as she's fond of calling Cal. My best friend Adrienne thinks we should get counseling. I'm thinking an appearance on The Jenny Jones Show is just the thing to save our marriage.

I watch Jenny every day, and I really think she could give us the advice and guidance we sorely need. Her show tackles relationship problems like mine all the time, and Jenny's incredible at dealing with them.

First of all, she's full of the plain, common-sense wisdom that all the great daytime talk-show hosts, from Sally Jessy Raphäel to Mother Love, share. I remember one episode where this middle-aged woman was cheating on her husband with her teenage stepson. She said the boy wasn't technically related to her, so what was the problem? I must admit, the woman's argument seemed pretty sound to me.

But Jenny really put things in perspective. First, she asked this lady, "What if your husband was cheating on you? Wouldn't you be hurt?" Then Jenny added, "You're this boy's stepmom! Stepmoms aren't supposed to do things like that!" I remember sitting at home in awe. I never thought of it quite that way!

As great as Jenny is, the studio audience deserves a lot of credit for counseling people, too. They provide just the kind of support system people need when discussing their embarrassing problems on national TV. I particularly remember one audience member's input. The show, titled "I Can't Control My Sexy Teen!", featured a panel of overweight teenage girls who dress like sluts. About halfway through, a male audience member stood up and said to these girls, "Can all y'all ladies say 'choo-choo,' 'cause alls I sees a ho train! Ho!... Ho!... Ho!" Talk about helpful! These remarks let the girls see that their mode of dress was causing them to be treated with less respect than they deserved.

I only pray that such insightful and compassionate people are in the audience if and when Cal and I appear. Maybe if I come on the show wearing my favorite green dress, someone will refer to me as "yo, the lady in green." (The audience always calls the guests it most cares about by the color they're wearing.) And maybe someone will point out that I gots to check myself before I wreck myself. Because I do. Sometimes, it takes a stranger in a TV audience to hammer home a point like that.

If Cal and I do get on Jenny Jones, I'm really hoping Jenny springs a surprise guest on us. Like maybe some other woman he's been sleeping with that I don't even know about. That would be great! Then the three of us could sit down and work out our differences by screaming at each other in front of millions of people. That's just the kind of open, loud communication you need in a successful marriage.

I was heartened by the interest I got from The Jenny Jones Show when I contacted them recently. Linda, the assistant producer, said my story would fit very well into the upcoming show, "My Man Won't Stop Cheating & Beating!" Linda then asked me if I'd discussed appearing on Jenny Jones with Cal. I said no, because he was busy working time-and-a-half at the grain elevator. "That's great," she replied. "Just tell Cal that the two of you are going on Jenny Jones because you won the 'Jenny Jones World's Greatest Hubby Video Essay Contest.' He'll be sure to agree to go on. Then, when Cal comes onstage, everybody will boo him, and we'll reveal the real reason he's on the show–because he's a cheating, beating, lowdown, rotten skunk."

For a moment, I was confused. "Won't that just make him angry at me?" I asked. But then Linda reminded me of all the hurt Cal had caused me, and said that if anyone deserved a taste of his own medicine, it was him. Well, I couldn't disagree with that logic. Besides, if the audience taunted and mocked Cal the way they did the "Over-80 Transvestites" who were on last week, maybe Cal would see the error of his ways and stop fooling around!

So, hopefully, you'll be seeing Cal and me on Jenny Jones real soon. There's a chance we may get turned down, which would be terribly disappointing. But if that happens, there are other ways to get the marriage counseling we need. Like by going on Jerry Springer. Like Jenny, Jerry always seems to lend a caring, sympathetic ear, and his "Final Thought" is always filled with the sort of solid, time-tested advice that never fails to rub off on guests.

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