Me Crush Middle-Class Tax Hike

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Fantasy Sports

Me Crush Middle-Class Tax Hike

Raaaah! Gronk hate H.R. 3712, the Income And Property Tax Reassessment Act! Senator Gronk crush middle-class tax hike!

Me hate 3712! Bill punish hardworking Americans trying to earn fair wage and maintain decent standard of living. Bill discourage spending at time spending needed. Bill bad!

Hrrrrngh! Me crush regressive, short-sighted bill!

If House pass 3712 and send to Senate floor, Gronk destroy bill. Gronk pound bill with fists. Gronk stomp. Proponents in Senate sooner kill Gronk than pass bill. That kind of dedication constituents come to expect from Gronk.

Gronk, now more than ever, fight for American Way. Gronk fight for Americans like Gene Royster, who work 30 years building and managing restaurant. Restaurant now local institution. Middle-class tax hike hurt Gene! Tax hike keep Gene's children out of good college, so Gronk fight. Fight for Gene!

Gronk fight for Teresa Hennings, who lose everything in 1994 hurricane but pull up by bootstraps and make mail-order crafts business. Teresa true American. Teresa Gronk's friend, make Gronk American-flag pin.

Gronk also fight for hardworking workers of Compuware Systems, who design and produce software that keep America's technological infrastructure running smoothly. Gronk believe in them, because they believe in Gronk.

Ever since Gronk created in laboratory accident in 1990, Gronk love America, where citizen free to pursue happiness. After Gronk made, Gronk spend six years fighting evil on streets of Los Angeles. Me meet criminals face-to-face, me fight Octorr and League Of Tentacles. Along way, Gronk see corrupt element threaten to destroy American way of life every day. Fighting terrorism abroad bad enough without have to fight crime at home! Nnnrraaagh! Crime bad! Gronk punch!

After fighting street evil, Gronk spend six years serving great state of Alabama in U.S. Senate, fighting greater evil still. Gronk think state's residents better off since me occupy Senate. Gronk pass minimum-wage hike, Gronk toughen sentences for repeat offenders, Gronk help create 7,000 new jobs in home state. That level of dedication and commitment Gronk continue in second term.

Gronk opponent for Senate seat, him vote against the people in two unremarkable terms as congressman. Rep. Charles Braithwaite, him absent from vote almost one session out of five. Gronk have one of best attendance records in Congress! Gronk smash Braithwaite! SMASH!

Braithwaite also soft on foreign policy. After Sept. 11, it more clear than ever America need to address threats from abroad. Threat of Al-Qaeda. Threat of Saddam Hussein. Threat of Grogg, evil brother of Gronk created in same lab mishap. Braithwaite no see this.

That America fight terrorism is clear. How hard America fight up to all of us. Up to Congress with votes Congress cast, but, most important, up to citizen with vote citizen cast.

Gronk thank great men and women of Huntsville Tub & Sink Works for opportunity to speak here today. Gronk go now, make good laws for you!