adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
End Of Section
  • More News

Me Crush Middle-Class Tax Hike

Raaaah! Gronk hate H.R. 3712, the Income And Property Tax Reassessment Act! Senator Gronk crush middle-class tax hike!

Me hate 3712! Bill punish hardworking Americans trying to earn fair wage and maintain decent standard of living. Bill discourage spending at time spending needed. Bill bad!

Hrrrrngh! Me crush regressive, short-sighted bill!

If House pass 3712 and send to Senate floor, Gronk destroy bill. Gronk pound bill with fists. Gronk stomp. Proponents in Senate sooner kill Gronk than pass bill. That kind of dedication constituents come to expect from Gronk.

Gronk, now more than ever, fight for American Way. Gronk fight for Americans like Gene Royster, who work 30 years building and managing restaurant. Restaurant now local institution. Middle-class tax hike hurt Gene! Tax hike keep Gene's children out of good college, so Gronk fight. Fight for Gene!

Gronk fight for Teresa Hennings, who lose everything in 1994 hurricane but pull up by bootstraps and make mail-order crafts business. Teresa true American. Teresa Gronk's friend, make Gronk American-flag pin.

Gronk also fight for hardworking workers of Compuware Systems, who design and produce software that keep America's technological infrastructure running smoothly. Gronk believe in them, because they believe in Gronk.

Ever since Gronk created in laboratory accident in 1990, Gronk love America, where citizen free to pursue happiness. After Gronk made, Gronk spend six years fighting evil on streets of Los Angeles. Me meet criminals face-to-face, me fight Octorr and League Of Tentacles. Along way, Gronk see corrupt element threaten to destroy American way of life every day. Fighting terrorism abroad bad enough without have to fight crime at home! Nnnrraaagh! Crime bad! Gronk punch!

After fighting street evil, Gronk spend six years serving great state of Alabama in U.S. Senate, fighting greater evil still. Gronk think state's residents better off since me occupy Senate. Gronk pass minimum-wage hike, Gronk toughen sentences for repeat offenders, Gronk help create 7,000 new jobs in home state. That level of dedication and commitment Gronk continue in second term.

Gronk opponent for Senate seat, him vote against the people in two unremarkable terms as congressman. Rep. Charles Braithwaite, him absent from vote almost one session out of five. Gronk have one of best attendance records in Congress! Gronk smash Braithwaite! SMASH!

Braithwaite also soft on foreign policy. After Sept. 11, it more clear than ever America need to address threats from abroad. Threat of Al-Qaeda. Threat of Saddam Hussein. Threat of Grogg, evil brother of Gronk created in same lab mishap. Braithwaite no see this.

That America fight terrorism is clear. How hard America fight up to all of us. Up to Congress with votes Congress cast, but, most important, up to citizen with vote citizen cast.

Gronk thank great men and women of Huntsville Tub & Sink Works for opportunity to speak here today. Gronk go now, make good laws for you!

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close