Me Crush Middle-Class Tax Hike

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Vol 38 Issue 31

Girl In Park Acts Like It's No Big Deal She's Wearing Bikini

TOLEDO, OH—Angela Liss, 21, made like it was no big deal that she was wearing a bikini in the park Monday. "She's all, 'Doo-dee-doo, I'm just hanging out here at the park,' like nothing's unusual," said Josh Arvada, moments after the curvaceous blonde asked him for the time. "Does she have any idea how fundamentally it alters the conversational dynamic when a woman is dressed like that?" Liss then casually applied lotion to her shoulders and legs, as if that wasn't a big deal, either.

Finger-Quotes Lady Now Doing Hand Parentheses

LINCOLN, NE—Finger-quotes lady Ann Hahn, 41, has added hand parentheses to her hand-punctuation repertoire, sources reported Monday. "I ran into Ann in the breakroom, and she told me Mindy Lewis wasn't at work last Friday because she was sick," coworker Edward Felk said. "Then she cups her hands and adds, 'from drinking too much.' Who does that?" Added Felk: "What's next, thumb commas?"

3-Year-Old Terrified By Sizzling Fajita Platter

BRADENTON, FL—Hannah Robles, 3, shrieked in terror Monday when a Bennigan's waitress brought her father a plate of audibly hot Super Sizzlin' Fajitas. "Those fajitas really startled Hannah," said Evan Robles, 35. "I'm not sure if it was the sound of the fried onions angrily crackling in their 500-degree juices or the heat-distortion waves rising off the cast-iron skillet plate, but she just freaked."

Movie Works Out Exactly As Audience Hoped

ALTOONA, PA—Moviegoers at Clearview Cinema's 9:30 p.m. showing of My Big Fat Greek Wedding expressed delight Saturday, when the romantic comedy worked out exactly as they had hoped. "It was heartwarming enough to see the two young lovers get married after all they'd been through," said Janet Garlin, exiting the multiplex. "But to see the bride reconcile her feelings toward her crazy family? That was like a special bonus." Garlin said she hadn't been this satisfied by a movie's ending since the last movie she saw.

When I Have Kids I'm Not Going To Drown Them

That is just horrifying. Absolutely disgraceful. I can hardly believe some of the sick things I see on the evening news these days. Well, I'll tell you one thing: When I have kids, I'm not going to drown them.

Heimlich Demands Maneuver Royalties

CINCINNATI—Lawyers for Dr. Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, warned Monday that the doctor will sue anyone who performs his patented procedure without paying royalties. "The Heimlich maneuver is a registered trademark of my client," attorney Steve Greene said. "We are prepared to protect Mr. Heimlich's proprietary rights, even if it means filing a legal injunction against any non-royalty-paying choking victims."

Invading Iraq

Determined to oust Saddam Hussein, President Bush has been attempting to rally support for an invasion of Iraq. What do you think?

The Baseball Strike

The Major League Baseball players union has set a strike deadline of Aug. 30. What are the players' demands?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Healthy Eating

Me Crush Middle-Class Tax Hike

Raaaah! Gronk hate H.R. 3712, the Income And Property Tax Reassessment Act! Senator Gronk crush middle-class tax hike!

Me hate 3712! Bill punish hardworking Americans trying to earn fair wage and maintain decent standard of living. Bill discourage spending at time spending needed. Bill bad!

Hrrrrngh! Me crush regressive, short-sighted bill!

If House pass 3712 and send to Senate floor, Gronk destroy bill. Gronk pound bill with fists. Gronk stomp. Proponents in Senate sooner kill Gronk than pass bill. That kind of dedication constituents come to expect from Gronk.

Gronk, now more than ever, fight for American Way. Gronk fight for Americans like Gene Royster, who work 30 years building and managing restaurant. Restaurant now local institution. Middle-class tax hike hurt Gene! Tax hike keep Gene's children out of good college, so Gronk fight. Fight for Gene!

Gronk fight for Teresa Hennings, who lose everything in 1994 hurricane but pull up by bootstraps and make mail-order crafts business. Teresa true American. Teresa Gronk's friend, make Gronk American-flag pin.

Gronk also fight for hardworking workers of Compuware Systems, who design and produce software that keep America's technological infrastructure running smoothly. Gronk believe in them, because they believe in Gronk.

Ever since Gronk created in laboratory accident in 1990, Gronk love America, where citizen free to pursue happiness. After Gronk made, Gronk spend six years fighting evil on streets of Los Angeles. Me meet criminals face-to-face, me fight Octorr and League Of Tentacles. Along way, Gronk see corrupt element threaten to destroy American way of life every day. Fighting terrorism abroad bad enough without have to fight crime at home! Nnnrraaagh! Crime bad! Gronk punch!

After fighting street evil, Gronk spend six years serving great state of Alabama in U.S. Senate, fighting greater evil still. Gronk think state's residents better off since me occupy Senate. Gronk pass minimum-wage hike, Gronk toughen sentences for repeat offenders, Gronk help create 7,000 new jobs in home state. That level of dedication and commitment Gronk continue in second term.

Gronk opponent for Senate seat, him vote against the people in two unremarkable terms as congressman. Rep. Charles Braithwaite, him absent from vote almost one session out of five. Gronk have one of best attendance records in Congress! Gronk smash Braithwaite! SMASH!

Braithwaite also soft on foreign policy. After Sept. 11, it more clear than ever America need to address threats from abroad. Threat of Al-Qaeda. Threat of Saddam Hussein. Threat of Grogg, evil brother of Gronk created in same lab mishap. Braithwaite no see this.

That America fight terrorism is clear. How hard America fight up to all of us. Up to Congress with votes Congress cast, but, most important, up to citizen with vote citizen cast.

Gronk thank great men and women of Huntsville Tub & Sink Works for opportunity to speak here today. Gronk go now, make good laws for you!

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