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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Meat

Meat. Lots of meat. Piles and piles of meat. Meat slices. Turkey slices, ham slices, slices of chicken breast. Roast beef, pastrami brisket, mesquite smokehouse beef brisket, knockwurst, and franks.

Meat.

Meat between two pieces of bread. Sandwiches. Sandwiches with a lot of meat. Bologna sandwiches, salami sandwiches, corned beef sandwiches. Not tuna sandwiches. Meat sandwiches. One big sandwich with Boar’s Head pastrami, ham, and turkey breast all piled high with mustard and lettuce and tomato. Reubens. Nice, lean corned beef Reubens. Russian dressing on Reubens. Reubens made with Boar’s Head corned beef. Kraut. Pastrami on rye. Good pastrami. Boar’s Head pastrami.

Refrigerators filled with meat. Walking into a store and seeing Boar’s Head meat. Big meat trucks taking meat from Boar’s Head to the people who sell Boar’s Head in their store. Butchers carving up meat. Carving up a loaf of honey-glazed meat. Big Virginia ham. Succulent ham. Good-tasting Boar’s Head ham. Hickory smoked chicken breast with honey mustard. Cured meat. Uncured meat. Juicy, tender, and smoked.

Meat. Meat. Meat. Meat. Meat. Meat.

Pork. Pork loin. Putting pork loin in your mouth and chewing it up. Going to a delicatessen and ordering some Boar’s Head pork loin and some Boar’s Head smoked sausage and some Boar’s Head London Broil, taking it all home, and putting it all together with some Boar’s Head Black Forest ham.

Boar’s Head capicollo ham is good meat. It’s Boar’s Head meat.

Boar’s Head does cheese. And meat. Cheese and meat and sauces. With the cheese it’s three-pepper Colby Jack cheese, Swiss cheese, havarti, and other kinds of cheese, like cheddar. With the sauces there’s sweet sauces and not-sweet sauces. Boar’s Head Sweet BBQ Sauce is a sweet sauce and Boar’s Head Horseradish is a not-sweet sauce. You can use the sauces for the meat. Cheese is good with the meat. Mustard is good with the meat. The meat is good by itself but the meat is good with sauces, too. And the cheese.

Boar’s Head doesn’t do steaks but I like steaks. I like the meat in steaks. I like porterhouse steaks and rib-eye steaks. I like New York strip steaks, and I like T-bone steaks. Beef tips with gravy is good. Veal is good. Lamb chops and applesauce. Tender meat. Prime meat. Meat that slides off the bone. Good-smelling meat.

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I like Boar’s Head meat. I don’t like other kinds of meat because I don’t think it’s as good as Boar’s Head. I don’t know other brands of meat. I know Boar’s Head meat. Boar’s Head makes meat. If people have questions about Boar’s Head meat I can answer them because I know Boar’s Head meat. Do we have Sweet Slice Boneless Smoked Ham? Yes. Do we have Cajun Style Seasoned-Oven Roast Beef? Yes. Do we have Lemon Pepper Roasted Chicken Breast? Yes. We have all that kind of meat and a lot more meat.

If somebody came up to me and asked if we did vegetables I would say no. I would say we do meat. If somebody came up to me and asked if we did fruit I would say no. Fruit isn’t meat. There are no vegetables or fruit in our meat. Olive loaf is an exception and not the rule at Boar’s Head. Meat is the focus at Boar’s Head.

I’m talking about meat right now. Meat is good. Meat is important. Meat is meat.

Meat.

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