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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Meat

Meat. Lots of meat. Piles and piles of meat. Meat slices. Turkey slices, ham slices, slices of chicken breast. Roast beef, pastrami brisket, mesquite smokehouse beef brisket, knockwurst, and franks.

Meat.

Meat between two pieces of bread. Sandwiches. Sandwiches with a lot of meat. Bologna sandwiches, salami sandwiches, corned beef sandwiches. Not tuna sandwiches. Meat sandwiches. One big sandwich with Boar’s Head pastrami, ham, and turkey breast all piled high with mustard and lettuce and tomato. Reubens. Nice, lean corned beef Reubens. Russian dressing on Reubens. Reubens made with Boar’s Head corned beef. Kraut. Pastrami on rye. Good pastrami. Boar’s Head pastrami.

Refrigerators filled with meat. Walking into a store and seeing Boar’s Head meat. Big meat trucks taking meat from Boar’s Head to the people who sell Boar’s Head in their store. Butchers carving up meat. Carving up a loaf of honey-glazed meat. Big Virginia ham. Succulent ham. Good-tasting Boar’s Head ham. Hickory smoked chicken breast with honey mustard. Cured meat. Uncured meat. Juicy, tender, and smoked.

Meat. Meat. Meat. Meat. Meat. Meat.

Pork. Pork loin. Putting pork loin in your mouth and chewing it up. Going to a delicatessen and ordering some Boar’s Head pork loin and some Boar’s Head smoked sausage and some Boar’s Head London Broil, taking it all home, and putting it all together with some Boar’s Head Black Forest ham.

Boar’s Head capicollo ham is good meat. It’s Boar’s Head meat.

Boar’s Head does cheese. And meat. Cheese and meat and sauces. With the cheese it’s three-pepper Colby Jack cheese, Swiss cheese, havarti, and other kinds of cheese, like cheddar. With the sauces there’s sweet sauces and not-sweet sauces. Boar’s Head Sweet BBQ Sauce is a sweet sauce and Boar’s Head Horseradish is a not-sweet sauce. You can use the sauces for the meat. Cheese is good with the meat. Mustard is good with the meat. The meat is good by itself but the meat is good with sauces, too. And the cheese.

Boar’s Head doesn’t do steaks but I like steaks. I like the meat in steaks. I like porterhouse steaks and rib-eye steaks. I like New York strip steaks, and I like T-bone steaks. Beef tips with gravy is good. Veal is good. Lamb chops and applesauce. Tender meat. Prime meat. Meat that slides off the bone. Good-smelling meat.

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I like Boar’s Head meat. I don’t like other kinds of meat because I don’t think it’s as good as Boar’s Head. I don’t know other brands of meat. I know Boar’s Head meat. Boar’s Head makes meat. If people have questions about Boar’s Head meat I can answer them because I know Boar’s Head meat. Do we have Sweet Slice Boneless Smoked Ham? Yes. Do we have Cajun Style Seasoned-Oven Roast Beef? Yes. Do we have Lemon Pepper Roasted Chicken Breast? Yes. We have all that kind of meat and a lot more meat.

If somebody came up to me and asked if we did vegetables I would say no. I would say we do meat. If somebody came up to me and asked if we did fruit I would say no. Fruit isn’t meat. There are no vegetables or fruit in our meat. Olive loaf is an exception and not the rule at Boar’s Head. Meat is the focus at Boar’s Head.

I’m talking about meat right now. Meat is good. Meat is important. Meat is meat.

Meat.

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