adBlockCheck

Meat

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Meat

Meat. Lots of meat. Piles and piles of meat. Meat slices. Turkey slices, ham slices, slices of chicken breast. Roast beef, pastrami brisket, mesquite smokehouse beef brisket, knockwurst, and franks.

Meat.

Meat between two pieces of bread. Sandwiches. Sandwiches with a lot of meat. Bologna sandwiches, salami sandwiches, corned beef sandwiches. Not tuna sandwiches. Meat sandwiches. One big sandwich with Boar’s Head pastrami, ham, and turkey breast all piled high with mustard and lettuce and tomato. Reubens. Nice, lean corned beef Reubens. Russian dressing on Reubens. Reubens made with Boar’s Head corned beef. Kraut. Pastrami on rye. Good pastrami. Boar’s Head pastrami.

Refrigerators filled with meat. Walking into a store and seeing Boar’s Head meat. Big meat trucks taking meat from Boar’s Head to the people who sell Boar’s Head in their store. Butchers carving up meat. Carving up a loaf of honey-glazed meat. Big Virginia ham. Succulent ham. Good-tasting Boar’s Head ham. Hickory smoked chicken breast with honey mustard. Cured meat. Uncured meat. Juicy, tender, and smoked.

Meat. Meat. Meat. Meat. Meat. Meat.

Pork. Pork loin. Putting pork loin in your mouth and chewing it up. Going to a delicatessen and ordering some Boar’s Head pork loin and some Boar’s Head smoked sausage and some Boar’s Head London Broil, taking it all home, and putting it all together with some Boar’s Head Black Forest ham.

Boar’s Head capicollo ham is good meat. It’s Boar’s Head meat.

Boar’s Head does cheese. And meat. Cheese and meat and sauces. With the cheese it’s three-pepper Colby Jack cheese, Swiss cheese, havarti, and other kinds of cheese, like cheddar. With the sauces there’s sweet sauces and not-sweet sauces. Boar’s Head Sweet BBQ Sauce is a sweet sauce and Boar’s Head Horseradish is a not-sweet sauce. You can use the sauces for the meat. Cheese is good with the meat. Mustard is good with the meat. The meat is good by itself but the meat is good with sauces, too. And the cheese.

Boar’s Head doesn’t do steaks but I like steaks. I like the meat in steaks. I like porterhouse steaks and rib-eye steaks. I like New York strip steaks, and I like T-bone steaks. Beef tips with gravy is good. Veal is good. Lamb chops and applesauce. Tender meat. Prime meat. Meat that slides off the bone. Good-smelling meat.

Meatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeat meatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeat meatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeat meatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeat meatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeatmeat.

I like Boar’s Head meat. I don’t like other kinds of meat because I don’t think it’s as good as Boar’s Head. I don’t know other brands of meat. I know Boar’s Head meat. Boar’s Head makes meat. If people have questions about Boar’s Head meat I can answer them because I know Boar’s Head meat. Do we have Sweet Slice Boneless Smoked Ham? Yes. Do we have Cajun Style Seasoned-Oven Roast Beef? Yes. Do we have Lemon Pepper Roasted Chicken Breast? Yes. We have all that kind of meat and a lot more meat.

If somebody came up to me and asked if we did vegetables I would say no. I would say we do meat. If somebody came up to me and asked if we did fruit I would say no. Fruit isn’t meat. There are no vegetables or fruit in our meat. Olive loaf is an exception and not the rule at Boar’s Head. Meat is the focus at Boar’s Head.

I’m talking about meat right now. Meat is good. Meat is important. Meat is meat.

Meat.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close