adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Men Are The Best

As a group of relatively young women, we don’t pretend to know everything. After all, there’s a lot in life we have yet to learn and see. But based on our experiences over the last 10 years—being kidnapped and locked up against our will by a group of three men who didn’t think twice before physically and emotionally destroying us—the one thing we do know, in fact the only thing we can say with absolute, 100 percent certainty, is that men really are the best.

Seriously, aren’t men just the best, folks? What a wonderful gender they are! So strong, so noble, so sure of purpose. Take it from us, everybody, men are terrific, they are constantly doing things every day to make the world a better place, and, gee, it sure would be a shame if men were somehow biologically wired so that they behaved in a different way.

Yes, it’s a good thing that’s not the case.

What makes men so great? Well, for one, all the urges men have are obviously just so, so fantastic. You know those little biological and primal impulses men have that take over their entire psyches and dictate their every action? The ones that they are seemingly powerless to control or deny, even though society is repeatedly pleading with them to? Boy, those are just nothing short of our very favorite things. After all, we couldn’t have a world where, God forbid, men are somehow not acting on their basest animal urges at any given moment. That would be awful!

And isn’t it just grand how men are able to act on those urges without even the slightest regard for the well-being of others? Yes, indeed, you can try your hardest to talk him out of it, but when a man is set on doing something—and trust us on this one, we speak from experience!—there’s no way you can change his mind. Talk about drive and determination! What a gender!

And men just live in the moment, you know? They don’t hesitate or waste time thinking about the moral and ethical consequences of, say, oh, I don’t know, tying three human beings up in a basement for a decade and subjecting them to near-constant psychosexual abuse, for example. They don’t burden themselves with worrying about whether something like that is legal or ethical or humane. Or whether or not they are pitiless monsters who should have killed themselves years ago. No, sir, they see something they want, and they’re not afraid to just take it. Honestly, you have to admire that about men. We sure do!

Another thing that makes men the very pinnacle of life in this universe? The way they can just, in an instant, tear you away from your family, friends, and all semblance of a normal and happy life, purely to satisfy their own most sickening whims and desires. And beyond that, how they are able to strip you of not only everything you’ve ever held dear, but also of every last shred of dignity and humanity you have. I mean, name us a woman who could do that! Puh-leeze! We’d like to see one try.

Now, we’ve heard some people criticizing men recently, but take it from us: If you just give him the chance, a man will show you that he is capable of things you could never even begin to imagine. Things that you’d never think a human being could ever, ever even contemplate doing, let alone actually accomplish. Things that just have to make you say, “Wow, bravo! You set up that dungeon-like torture chamber all by yourselves? Golly, you’ve really outdone yourselves this time, male gender! We really hope you’re proud of yourselves.”

And, look, we’re not saying men don’t have their flaws. Oh, sure, once in a while they’ll get you pregnant and then lock you in a darkened room for 10 or so years while they viciously beat you until you lose the baby and almost die, but hey, we all have our own little quirks, right? And besides, how could you stay mad at men when they’re almost always such wonderful and upstanding individuals? It’s practically impossible!

Bottom line: Men offer the very best of humanity. There’s no question about that. Honestly, we can’t even imagine our lives without them.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close