adBlockCheck

Men Are The Best

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Men Are The Best

As a group of relatively young women, we don’t pretend to know everything. After all, there’s a lot in life we have yet to learn and see. But based on our experiences over the last 10 years—being kidnapped and locked up against our will by a group of three men who didn’t think twice before physically and emotionally destroying us—the one thing we do know, in fact the only thing we can say with absolute, 100 percent certainty, is that men really are the best.

Seriously, aren’t men just the best, folks? What a wonderful gender they are! So strong, so noble, so sure of purpose. Take it from us, everybody, men are terrific, they are constantly doing things every day to make the world a better place, and, gee, it sure would be a shame if men were somehow biologically wired so that they behaved in a different way.

Yes, it’s a good thing that’s not the case.

What makes men so great? Well, for one, all the urges men have are obviously just so, so fantastic. You know those little biological and primal impulses men have that take over their entire psyches and dictate their every action? The ones that they are seemingly powerless to control or deny, even though society is repeatedly pleading with them to? Boy, those are just nothing short of our very favorite things. After all, we couldn’t have a world where, God forbid, men are somehow not acting on their basest animal urges at any given moment. That would be awful!

And isn’t it just grand how men are able to act on those urges without even the slightest regard for the well-being of others? Yes, indeed, you can try your hardest to talk him out of it, but when a man is set on doing something—and trust us on this one, we speak from experience!—there’s no way you can change his mind. Talk about drive and determination! What a gender!

And men just live in the moment, you know? They don’t hesitate or waste time thinking about the moral and ethical consequences of, say, oh, I don’t know, tying three human beings up in a basement for a decade and subjecting them to near-constant psychosexual abuse, for example. They don’t burden themselves with worrying about whether something like that is legal or ethical or humane. Or whether or not they are pitiless monsters who should have killed themselves years ago. No, sir, they see something they want, and they’re not afraid to just take it. Honestly, you have to admire that about men. We sure do!

Another thing that makes men the very pinnacle of life in this universe? The way they can just, in an instant, tear you away from your family, friends, and all semblance of a normal and happy life, purely to satisfy their own most sickening whims and desires. And beyond that, how they are able to strip you of not only everything you’ve ever held dear, but also of every last shred of dignity and humanity you have. I mean, name us a woman who could do that! Puh-leeze! We’d like to see one try.

Now, we’ve heard some people criticizing men recently, but take it from us: If you just give him the chance, a man will show you that he is capable of things you could never even begin to imagine. Things that you’d never think a human being could ever, ever even contemplate doing, let alone actually accomplish. Things that just have to make you say, “Wow, bravo! You set up that dungeon-like torture chamber all by yourselves? Golly, you’ve really outdone yourselves this time, male gender! We really hope you’re proud of yourselves.”

And, look, we’re not saying men don’t have their flaws. Oh, sure, once in a while they’ll get you pregnant and then lock you in a darkened room for 10 or so years while they viciously beat you until you lose the baby and almost die, but hey, we all have our own little quirks, right? And besides, how could you stay mad at men when they’re almost always such wonderful and upstanding individuals? It’s practically impossible!

Bottom line: Men offer the very best of humanity. There’s no question about that. Honestly, we can’t even imagine our lives without them.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close