Merry Zweibelmas To You!

Top Headlines

Recent News

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Merry Zweibelmas To You!

The season of the Zweibelmas-tide is upon us at long last! Only a few shopping-days remain before Sept. 21, the glorious and solemn Day of the Zweibelmas itself. Several months ago in this space I advised my readers to begin preparations for this most holy and auspicious event, which celebrates all things Zweibel. Well, now it is time to behead the fatted ox, eat blood-pudding, and grease the staircase! Zweibelmas is upon us!

As for myself, I plan to stay up all night and breathlessly await the coming of the Fairy Zweibel-Child, the spirit of my deceased infant twin Y. Josiah. Every Zweibelmas-Eve, he arises from the Zweibel family mausoleum to deliver toys and candy to myself. What will I get this year? An orange? A jumping-jack? A whirl-i-gig? I am just giddy with anticipation! Zweibelmas is my favorite holiday, with St. Swithin's Day a close second.

I do not wish to miss the arrival of the Fairy Zweibel-Child, so I have decided that when Mr. Tin administers my nightly soothing-syrups to me on Zweibelmas-Eve, I will spit them out in my bed-pan when he is not looking. I have never caught a glimpse of Y. Josiah in all my 134 years, and I wish to see him before I go to my reward.

My previous nurse, who you may recall was a dull-witted walrus, once had the unmitigated gall to say that there is no such thing as the Fairy Zweibel-Child, and that September 21 is no holiday, but rather the day my bed-chamber is fumigated each year. My prosthetic ears almost popped off, so aghast I was at such heresy! I would have had the filthy blasphemer thrashed to within an inch of her life, but I was receiving a rather potent enema at the time and was in no position to rebut her scandalous claims.

This upcoming Zweibelmas-Eve, as you sing Zweibel carols and eat your special holiday gruel, pause to contemplate just how very blessed you are to have Zweibels, for the world would indeed be a dark and backward place without us. A very merry Zweibelmas to you all!