adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
End Of Section
  • More News

Merry Zweibelmas To You!

The season of the Zweibelmas-tide is upon us at long last! Only a few shopping-days remain before Sept. 21, the glorious and solemn Day of the Zweibelmas itself. Several months ago in this space I advised my readers to begin preparations for this most holy and auspicious event, which celebrates all things Zweibel. Well, now it is time to behead the fatted ox, eat blood-pudding, and grease the staircase! Zweibelmas is upon us!

As for myself, I plan to stay up all night and breathlessly await the coming of the Fairy Zweibel-Child, the spirit of my deceased infant twin Y. Josiah. Every Zweibelmas-Eve, he arises from the Zweibel family mausoleum to deliver toys and candy to myself. What will I get this year? An orange? A jumping-jack? A whirl-i-gig? I am just giddy with anticipation! Zweibelmas is my favorite holiday, with St. Swithin's Day a close second.

I do not wish to miss the arrival of the Fairy Zweibel-Child, so I have decided that when Mr. Tin administers my nightly soothing-syrups to me on Zweibelmas-Eve, I will spit them out in my bed-pan when he is not looking. I have never caught a glimpse of Y. Josiah in all my 134 years, and I wish to see him before I go to my reward.

My previous nurse, who you may recall was a dull-witted walrus, once had the unmitigated gall to say that there is no such thing as the Fairy Zweibel-Child, and that September 21 is no holiday, but rather the day my bed-chamber is fumigated each year. My prosthetic ears almost popped off, so aghast I was at such heresy! I would have had the filthy blasphemer thrashed to within an inch of her life, but I was receiving a rather potent enema at the time and was in no position to rebut her scandalous claims.

This upcoming Zweibelmas-Eve, as you sing Zweibel carols and eat your special holiday gruel, pause to contemplate just how very blessed you are to have Zweibels, for the world would indeed be a dark and backward place without us. A very merry Zweibelmas to you all!

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close