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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Merry Zweibelmas To You!

The season of the Zweibelmas-tide is upon us at long last! Only a few shopping-days remain before Sept. 21, the glorious and solemn Day of the Zweibelmas itself. Several months ago in this space I advised my readers to begin preparations for this most holy and auspicious event, which celebrates all things Zweibel. Well, now it is time to behead the fatted ox, eat blood-pudding, and grease the staircase! Zweibelmas is upon us!

As for myself, I plan to stay up all night and breathlessly await the coming of the Fairy Zweibel-Child, the spirit of my deceased infant twin Y. Josiah. Every Zweibelmas-Eve, he arises from the Zweibel family mausoleum to deliver toys and candy to myself. What will I get this year? An orange? A jumping-jack? A whirl-i-gig? I am just giddy with anticipation! Zweibelmas is my favorite holiday, with St. Swithin's Day a close second.

I do not wish to miss the arrival of the Fairy Zweibel-Child, so I have decided that when Mr. Tin administers my nightly soothing-syrups to me on Zweibelmas-Eve, I will spit them out in my bed-pan when he is not looking. I have never caught a glimpse of Y. Josiah in all my 134 years, and I wish to see him before I go to my reward.

My previous nurse, who you may recall was a dull-witted walrus, once had the unmitigated gall to say that there is no such thing as the Fairy Zweibel-Child, and that September 21 is no holiday, but rather the day my bed-chamber is fumigated each year. My prosthetic ears almost popped off, so aghast I was at such heresy! I would have had the filthy blasphemer thrashed to within an inch of her life, but I was receiving a rather potent enema at the time and was in no position to rebut her scandalous claims.

This upcoming Zweibelmas-Eve, as you sing Zweibel carols and eat your special holiday gruel, pause to contemplate just how very blessed you are to have Zweibels, for the world would indeed be a dark and backward place without us. A very merry Zweibelmas to you all!

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