Merry Zweibelmas To You!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Merry Zweibelmas To You!

The season of the Zweibelmas-tide is upon us at long last! Only a few shopping-days remain before Sept. 21, the glorious and solemn Day of the Zweibelmas itself. Several months ago in this space I advised my readers to begin preparations for this most holy and auspicious event, which celebrates all things Zweibel. Well, now it is time to behead the fatted ox, eat blood-pudding, and grease the staircase! Zweibelmas is upon us!

As for myself, I plan to stay up all night and breathlessly await the coming of the Fairy Zweibel-Child, the spirit of my deceased infant twin Y. Josiah. Every Zweibelmas-Eve, he arises from the Zweibel family mausoleum to deliver toys and candy to myself. What will I get this year? An orange? A jumping-jack? A whirl-i-gig? I am just giddy with anticipation! Zweibelmas is my favorite holiday, with St. Swithin's Day a close second.

I do not wish to miss the arrival of the Fairy Zweibel-Child, so I have decided that when Mr. Tin administers my nightly soothing-syrups to me on Zweibelmas-Eve, I will spit them out in my bed-pan when he is not looking. I have never caught a glimpse of Y. Josiah in all my 134 years, and I wish to see him before I go to my reward.

My previous nurse, who you may recall was a dull-witted walrus, once had the unmitigated gall to say that there is no such thing as the Fairy Zweibel-Child, and that September 21 is no holiday, but rather the day my bed-chamber is fumigated each year. My prosthetic ears almost popped off, so aghast I was at such heresy! I would have had the filthy blasphemer thrashed to within an inch of her life, but I was receiving a rather potent enema at the time and was in no position to rebut her scandalous claims.

This upcoming Zweibelmas-Eve, as you sing Zweibel carols and eat your special holiday gruel, pause to contemplate just how very blessed you are to have Zweibels, for the world would indeed be a dark and backward place without us. A very merry Zweibelmas to you all!