Mock Me If You Will, But This Huge Cock Has Gotten Me Out Of Some Tough Scrapes

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Vol 38 Issue 35

Temp Replaced With Cheaper Temp

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—In a personnel move expected to save the company $17 a day, Cyntrel Fiberoptics replaced longtime Manpower temp worker Paulette Riordan with lower-paid MetroTemp employee Don Sendelbach. "Paulette was a familiar face in this office who we all very much liked," departmental supervisor William Youmans said. "But with the economy the way it is, tough decisions sometimes have to be made. Don's really learning the ropes well." Riordan's plans for the future include calling Manpower to inquire about openings in other offices.

B*A*P*S Rented On Strength Of Academy Award-Winning Stars

IRVING, TX—Blockbuster Video customer Stephanie Campbell rented the 1997 comedy B*A*P*S Tuesday, swayed by the presence of Oscar-winners Halle Berry and Martin Landau. "Wow, this is a pretty impressive cast," said Campbell, studying the back of the video box. "Talk about heavy hitters—it's even got Ian Richardson." Campbell ensured an evening of top-notch movie-watching by also renting Loaded Weapon I, which features Oscar-winner F. Murray Abraham.

American Idol Winner Already Complaining About Pressures Of Fame

NEW YORK—Kelly Clarkson, the winner of Fox's American Idol, griped about the pressures of her weeks-old celebrity Monday during an appearance on Live! With Regis And Kelly. "Being a star is amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but sometimes it's like, 'Can I please have, like, one second to myself?'" Clarkson said. "Everyone wants a piece of you, and there is zero privacy." Clarkson, who performed her debut single "A Moment Like This" on Live!, said she plans to spend the next month "recharging at a secluded desert spa."

Hotel Bar Really Hopping Tonight, Says Hotel Bartender

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—According to George Fontana, the Grand Rapids Hilton's Tiki Town bar and lounge is "really hopping tonight," the 46-year-old hotel bartender reported Monday. "Usually, Mondays are pretty slow around here," Fontana said. "But it's been non-stop since about 10. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure why. I'd say it was the dental-supply convention, but most of those fellas are staying over at the Radisson." Fontana added that if the rush keeps up, he may have to unlock the supply closet to get a fresh box of olive picks.

The Sept. 11 Anniversary: Two Weeks Later

WASHINGTON, DC—It seems hard to believe that a fortnight has already passed, but this Wednesday, the nation will come together to commemorate the two-week anniversary of the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks.
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Mock Me If You Will, But This Huge Cock Has Gotten Me Out Of Some Tough Scrapes

Ha, ha, very funny. Laugh it up, guys. I'm glad you find it so amusing.

Well, I hate to spoil your good time, but I've got some news for you: This huge cock has gotten me out of some tough scrapes.

This past June, I was rock-climbing in Utah with some college buddies when one of us, my good friend Alan, had a malfunction with his equipment. It's a little complicated to get into, but he was unable to get up or down, and the rope he was using was starting to fray. Wasting no time, I took out my penis and dropped it down to him so he could climb back up. Believe me, no one was laughing at the size of my piece when I pulled him to safety!

Still not convinced? Maybe this anecdote will make you sing a different tune. I was at the art museum to check out a touring Van Gogh exhibit, and my belt had broken. Not wanting to alarm anyone, I made my way through the exhibit very slowly, holding my pants up with one hand. While pausing before one of Van Gogh's self-portraits, I saw a trio of armed bandits rush in. They told everyone to raise their hands as they took the paintings off the wall.

After what seemed like an eternity, one of the thieves noticed that I was only raising one hand. He said he'd shoot me if I didn't get that other hand up, so I did. My pants dropped, causing my humongous hose to unspool right in front of everyone. The crooks were so shocked by the immensity of my schlong that they dropped their ill-gotten loot and fled! The museum director was so thrilled, he gave me a lifetime membership and a 20 percent discount at the gift shop.

So you can see, my huge cock has really been a lifesaver—literally. But it's not just about saving lives. Oh, no. It has also helped me in my personal relationships. About four years ago, I went on a blind date. I was incredibly nervous, but when I got to the door, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my date was extremely attractive. We got into my car and made some polite chitchat, but I was still so anxious that my mouth started getting dry. I pulled over to get some bottled water at a convenience store. On the way out of the car, my date accidentally dropped her house keys down the sewer. Uh-oh.

Luckily, I had my penis with me! After finding a nice, wide spot in the grating, I threw my cock down to the keys, hooked the head through her keychain (thank God she had an oversized key loop), and pulled them up. After that, things were much more relaxed between us, and the night was a huge success. As it turned out, my cock was just the icebreaker I needed. Did I mention that woman is now my wife? Dean's huge penis to the rescue!

Sometimes, my long dong actually seems to defy the laws of science. Like the time I got my kindly old neighbor Mrs. Linton's kitten out of a tree. I shook my penis erect and, lying on my back, created a ramp for the cat to climb down. Another time, I was able to use an erection to clear the leaves from my neighbor's clogged storm drain before an approaching downpour. Then there was the time I used my cock to hoist up the curtains at a rock concert, saving the show.

So you see, my cock shouldn't be subjected to cruel barbs just because it's so big. It deserves respect. As do I for using it to help people rather than hurt them. But if it makes you feel better to make it the target of your juvenile taunts, be my guest. Giving immature, insecure jerks something to mock so they can feel better about themselves is yet another use for my mammoth appendage.

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