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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

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PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

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GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

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Mock Me If You Will, But This Huge Cock Has Gotten Me Out Of Some Tough Scrapes

Ha, ha, very funny. Laugh it up, guys. I'm glad you find it so amusing.

Well, I hate to spoil your good time, but I've got some news for you: This huge cock has gotten me out of some tough scrapes.

This past June, I was rock-climbing in Utah with some college buddies when one of us, my good friend Alan, had a malfunction with his equipment. It's a little complicated to get into, but he was unable to get up or down, and the rope he was using was starting to fray. Wasting no time, I took out my penis and dropped it down to him so he could climb back up. Believe me, no one was laughing at the size of my piece when I pulled him to safety!

Still not convinced? Maybe this anecdote will make you sing a different tune. I was at the art museum to check out a touring Van Gogh exhibit, and my belt had broken. Not wanting to alarm anyone, I made my way through the exhibit very slowly, holding my pants up with one hand. While pausing before one of Van Gogh's self-portraits, I saw a trio of armed bandits rush in. They told everyone to raise their hands as they took the paintings off the wall.

After what seemed like an eternity, one of the thieves noticed that I was only raising one hand. He said he'd shoot me if I didn't get that other hand up, so I did. My pants dropped, causing my humongous hose to unspool right in front of everyone. The crooks were so shocked by the immensity of my schlong that they dropped their ill-gotten loot and fled! The museum director was so thrilled, he gave me a lifetime membership and a 20 percent discount at the gift shop.

So you can see, my huge cock has really been a lifesaver—literally. But it's not just about saving lives. Oh, no. It has also helped me in my personal relationships. About four years ago, I went on a blind date. I was incredibly nervous, but when I got to the door, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my date was extremely attractive. We got into my car and made some polite chitchat, but I was still so anxious that my mouth started getting dry. I pulled over to get some bottled water at a convenience store. On the way out of the car, my date accidentally dropped her house keys down the sewer. Uh-oh.

Luckily, I had my penis with me! After finding a nice, wide spot in the grating, I threw my cock down to the keys, hooked the head through her keychain (thank God she had an oversized key loop), and pulled them up. After that, things were much more relaxed between us, and the night was a huge success. As it turned out, my cock was just the icebreaker I needed. Did I mention that woman is now my wife? Dean's huge penis to the rescue!

Sometimes, my long dong actually seems to defy the laws of science. Like the time I got my kindly old neighbor Mrs. Linton's kitten out of a tree. I shook my penis erect and, lying on my back, created a ramp for the cat to climb down. Another time, I was able to use an erection to clear the leaves from my neighbor's clogged storm drain before an approaching downpour. Then there was the time I used my cock to hoist up the curtains at a rock concert, saving the show.

So you see, my cock shouldn't be subjected to cruel barbs just because it's so big. It deserves respect. As do I for using it to help people rather than hurt them. But if it makes you feel better to make it the target of your juvenile taunts, be my guest. Giving immature, insecure jerks something to mock so they can feel better about themselves is yet another use for my mammoth appendage.

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