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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Hi, everybody! I'm T. Herman Zweibel! I'm old and stupid! I wet myself a lot! I live in a big, stupid mansion! Listen to me talk about a lot of old stuff! I think it's actually 1907! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Hey, you damned kids, what are you doing in my study? Get away from that linotype-machine! How the devil did these juveniles breach the walls of my estate and elude my Swiss Guard? Go on, clear out, you gutter-snipes! Hey, I told you to keep away from that linotype-machine!

I am T. Herman Zweibel, the world's most boring person! I am older than Jesus! Remember the War Of 1812? I do, because I'm so old! Hey, Standish, give me an enema!

What? Why, you rat bastards! You churlish reprobates, you ought to be soundly thrashed with a length of barbed-wire! Ah, Standish, there you are! Get these unsanitary adolescents out of here! No, I don't want an enema! Those cocky little street-arabs were merely impersonating me!

I have hundreds of diseases! I yell at people a lot! I hyphenate compound words for no reason! Blah, blah, blah, blah!

Stop it! Stop it! You're wearing out the italics! Standish, look what these youths are doing! Oh! They just spilled India ink all over my precious codicils! And look at that one over there, wearing that beautiful waste-paper basket on his head like a pickelhaube! This is all so humiliating! What's that, Standish? You say I should read aloud from this piece of paper? Drat it, man, I don't want to read these brats a bed-time story! You say it may get them out of here? Well, I do not have my lorgnette on me, but I will try any-way:

"Hey, you teen-agers! You are all a bunch of faggots, and I question your sexuality! You wear the same stupid sweat-shirts every day, and no-one will ever have sex with you, ever! Your faces are clotted with pimples, and your hair is oily, and you cannot control your erections! You are all worth-less, ugly, and stupid!"

Look, Standish, they're running away, weeping! Huzzah! I forgot how emotionally vulnerable adolescents are, and that even the most callow insult is their Achilles' heel! A brilliant idea, Standish, turning the tables like that! Quick, alert the Swiss Guard to intercept them as they approach the front gate, and yank their under-trousers up into the chasm 'twixt their buttocks!

No, let's the keep the column transcribed as is. I want all teen-agers to see this, and know that they cannot get the best of T. Herman Zweibel, no matter how they try!


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