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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Mockery

Hi, everybody! I'm T. Herman Zweibel! I'm old and stupid! I wet myself a lot! I live in a big, stupid mansion! Listen to me talk about a lot of old stuff! I think it's actually 1907! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Hey, you damned kids, what are you doing in my study? Get away from that linotype-machine! How the devil did these juveniles breach the walls of my estate and elude my Swiss Guard? Go on, clear out, you gutter-snipes! Hey, I told you to keep away from that linotype-machine!

I am T. Herman Zweibel, the world's most boring person! I am older than Jesus! Remember the War Of 1812? I do, because I'm so old! Hey, Standish, give me an enema!

What? Why, you rat bastards! You churlish reprobates, you ought to be soundly thrashed with a length of barbed-wire! Ah, Standish, there you are! Get these unsanitary adolescents out of here! No, I don't want an enema! Those cocky little street-arabs were merely impersonating me!

I have hundreds of diseases! I yell at people a lot! I hyphenate compound words for no reason! Blah, blah, blah, blah!

Stop it! Stop it! You're wearing out the italics! Standish, look what these youths are doing! Oh! They just spilled India ink all over my precious codicils! And look at that one over there, wearing that beautiful waste-paper basket on his head like a pickelhaube! This is all so humiliating! What's that, Standish? You say I should read aloud from this piece of paper? Drat it, man, I don't want to read these brats a bed-time story! You say it may get them out of here? Well, I do not have my lorgnette on me, but I will try any-way:

"Hey, you teen-agers! You are all a bunch of faggots, and I question your sexuality! You wear the same stupid sweat-shirts every day, and no-one will ever have sex with you, ever! Your faces are clotted with pimples, and your hair is oily, and you cannot control your erections! You are all worth-less, ugly, and stupid!"

Look, Standish, they're running away, weeping! Huzzah! I forgot how emotionally vulnerable adolescents are, and that even the most callow insult is their Achilles' heel! A brilliant idea, Standish, turning the tables like that! Quick, alert the Swiss Guard to intercept them as they approach the front gate, and yank their under-trousers up into the chasm 'twixt their buttocks!

No, let's the keep the column transcribed as is. I want all teen-agers to see this, and know that they cannot get the best of T. Herman Zweibel, no matter how they try!

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