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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Hi, everybody! I'm T. Herman Zweibel! I'm old and stupid! I wet myself a lot! I live in a big, stupid mansion! Listen to me talk about a lot of old stuff! I think it's actually 1907! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Hey, you damned kids, what are you doing in my study? Get away from that linotype-machine! How the devil did these juveniles breach the walls of my estate and elude my Swiss Guard? Go on, clear out, you gutter-snipes! Hey, I told you to keep away from that linotype-machine!

I am T. Herman Zweibel, the world's most boring person! I am older than Jesus! Remember the War Of 1812? I do, because I'm so old! Hey, Standish, give me an enema!

What? Why, you rat bastards! You churlish reprobates, you ought to be soundly thrashed with a length of barbed-wire! Ah, Standish, there you are! Get these unsanitary adolescents out of here! No, I don't want an enema! Those cocky little street-arabs were merely impersonating me!

I have hundreds of diseases! I yell at people a lot! I hyphenate compound words for no reason! Blah, blah, blah, blah!

Stop it! Stop it! You're wearing out the italics! Standish, look what these youths are doing! Oh! They just spilled India ink all over my precious codicils! And look at that one over there, wearing that beautiful waste-paper basket on his head like a pickelhaube! This is all so humiliating! What's that, Standish? You say I should read aloud from this piece of paper? Drat it, man, I don't want to read these brats a bed-time story! You say it may get them out of here? Well, I do not have my lorgnette on me, but I will try any-way:

"Hey, you teen-agers! You are all a bunch of faggots, and I question your sexuality! You wear the same stupid sweat-shirts every day, and no-one will ever have sex with you, ever! Your faces are clotted with pimples, and your hair is oily, and you cannot control your erections! You are all worth-less, ugly, and stupid!"

Look, Standish, they're running away, weeping! Huzzah! I forgot how emotionally vulnerable adolescents are, and that even the most callow insult is their Achilles' heel! A brilliant idea, Standish, turning the tables like that! Quick, alert the Swiss Guard to intercept them as they approach the front gate, and yank their under-trousers up into the chasm 'twixt their buttocks!

No, let's the keep the column transcribed as is. I want all teen-agers to see this, and know that they cannot get the best of T. Herman Zweibel, no matter how they try!

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