Mom, I Want You To Meet The Girl Who Will One Day Make Me Put You In A Nursing Home

Top Headlines

Recent News

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Mom, I Want You To Meet The Girl Who Will One Day Make Me Put You In A Nursing Home

I've got some exciting news, Mom. You know how you're always telling me to stop fooling around and settle down with a nice girl? Well, guess what? I finally found her. She's my true love, the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, and I just know you're going to adore her.

Mom, I want you to meet Sarah, the girl who will one day force me to put you in a nursing home.

I knew right away she was the one I'd been waiting for to come along and drive a wedge between me and my family. I honestly never thought I'd fall for someone so quickly, but the moment I saw her at my friend's party, I said to myself, "Someday, I'm going to marry that girl, and she's going to spend every waking moment telling me my mother has too much control over my life and it's time to cut the cord already." And believe it or not, I've grown even crazier about her over time. She's the only woman special enough to convince me I don't need to call home more than once every six months.

It's only a matter of time before she's part of the family, the daughter you never had who will pressure me into taking a job 12 states away to neutralize what she'll describe as your suffocating influence on my life. There's not a doubt in my mind that when she's not talking about you behind your back and saying "Well, maybe you should've married your mommy" when I make even the most reasonable attempt to defend you, she'll fit right in.

That's right, Mom, we're engaged! Ever since Sarah said yes, I keep imagining myself at the altar, lifting her veil and looking into the eyes of the woman who said you could only attend our wedding if you paid for the whole thing. I almost can't get my head around it! Out of all the guys she could have chosen to browbeat into cutting almost all ties with his loved ones, she chose me.

We're going all-in on this—we can't wait to have kids. I just know she'll be the kind of mom who will exploit our children as bargaining chips to extract all kinds of favors from you or simply withhold your own grandchildren from you out of spite. Oh, and I didn't even tell you the best part: She'll make a disgusted face and re-gift every single Christmas present you send us.

But that's just the kind of person she is. I know it sounds crazy, but when I'm around her, I feel like I'll never have to visit you in the hospital unless it's an absolute life or death situation.

I know you're probably a little skeptical, but I promise you Sarah's nothing like the others. I mean, Katie started out wanting to marginalize you, but then things kind of fizzled out when the two of you surprisingly started hitting it off. And Janelle, well, she always thought it was important to keep a family intact even if people sometimes didn't get along, so we really didn't stand a chance. Only Sarah's truly committed to bullying me into keeping you at arm's length in a way that feels right, truly right.

And Mom, years from now, when the time comes, rest assured there will always be a spare room in our home that you will not be permitted to live in because Sarah keeps her easel there and will have me so thoroughly brainwashed into believing you're nothing but a doddering nuisance that I'll put you in a mediocre nursing home and rarely think of you again.

Anyway, is Dad around? I want to give him the good news, too.