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As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

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Mom, I Want You To Meet The Girl Who Will One Day Make Me Put You In A Nursing Home

I've got some exciting news, Mom. You know how you're always telling me to stop fooling around and settle down with a nice girl? Well, guess what? I finally found her. She's my true love, the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, and I just know you're going to adore her.

Mom, I want you to meet Sarah, the girl who will one day force me to put you in a nursing home.

I knew right away she was the one I'd been waiting for to come along and drive a wedge between me and my family. I honestly never thought I'd fall for someone so quickly, but the moment I saw her at my friend's party, I said to myself, "Someday, I'm going to marry that girl, and she's going to spend every waking moment telling me my mother has too much control over my life and it's time to cut the cord already." And believe it or not, I've grown even crazier about her over time. She's the only woman special enough to convince me I don't need to call home more than once every six months.

It's only a matter of time before she's part of the family, the daughter you never had who will pressure me into taking a job 12 states away to neutralize what she'll describe as your suffocating influence on my life. There's not a doubt in my mind that when she's not talking about you behind your back and saying "Well, maybe you should've married your mommy" when I make even the most reasonable attempt to defend you, she'll fit right in.

That's right, Mom, we're engaged! Ever since Sarah said yes, I keep imagining myself at the altar, lifting her veil and looking into the eyes of the woman who said you could only attend our wedding if you paid for the whole thing. I almost can't get my head around it! Out of all the guys she could have chosen to browbeat into cutting almost all ties with his loved ones, she chose me.

We're going all-in on this—we can't wait to have kids. I just know she'll be the kind of mom who will exploit our children as bargaining chips to extract all kinds of favors from you or simply withhold your own grandchildren from you out of spite. Oh, and I didn't even tell you the best part: She'll make a disgusted face and re-gift every single Christmas present you send us.

But that's just the kind of person she is. I know it sounds crazy, but when I'm around her, I feel like I'll never have to visit you in the hospital unless it's an absolute life or death situation.

I know you're probably a little skeptical, but I promise you Sarah's nothing like the others. I mean, Katie started out wanting to marginalize you, but then things kind of fizzled out when the two of you surprisingly started hitting it off. And Janelle, well, she always thought it was important to keep a family intact even if people sometimes didn't get along, so we really didn't stand a chance. Only Sarah's truly committed to bullying me into keeping you at arm's length in a way that feels right, truly right.

And Mom, years from now, when the time comes, rest assured there will always be a spare room in our home that you will not be permitted to live in because Sarah keeps her easel there and will have me so thoroughly brainwashed into believing you're nothing but a doddering nuisance that I'll put you in a mediocre nursing home and rarely think of you again.

Anyway, is Dad around? I want to give him the good news, too.

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