adBlockCheck

Mommy, Please Kill Me

Top Headlines

Recent News

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Mommy, Please Kill Me

Mommy, please kill me.

I don’t want to be born. I want to die. I dream sweet little baby dreams of dying, and how wonderful it would be. The gentle release—the sweet, sleepy promise of death—is the only thing I want out of life. You see, my brain is very small, and it’s not big enough to think about anything more than one thing at a time. And that one thing, for me, is death.

You see, Mommy, the warm soft embrace of your amniotic fluid is the only life I know, and I don’t want to know any other. Life is easy for me in your loving womb. Once I come out, life will be cold and harsh. You don’t want me to be cold, do you, Mommy? You don’t want me to cry, do you? I will cry very loudly when I’m born, because I don’t want to be born. I only want to continue the warm, half-dreaming, subconscious state of practical-death that I have enjoyed thus far in my short life in your tummy these past two months. Dying gives me that option.

From what I have been able to gather with my limited brain capacity, I will be born with many strikes against me, making life unbearably harsh for both you and me. I mean, you were on a birth control pill when I was conceived, right? You didn’t want me. And how old are you—17, 18? Come on, you’re having a hard enough time figuring out how you are going to survive, let alone struggling to give me a decent shot at life. So will you kill me already before I develop thumbs?

I’m not so sure you’ll love me very much. Maybe you’ll see the face of my daddy every time you look at me. That bastard bolted on you when you told him you were pregnant. You won’t be able to finish school, your family will not support you, and I will bear the brunt of your frustration. I don’t want to be hit. I can’t imagine what being hit must be like, and I do not want to know. I’d much rather be vacuum-sucked out now, in a gloriously instantaneous moment of life-taking glee. Then you can go about your business, and have a child when you want one.

You know, going hungry doesn’t sound too good to me. I don’t want that, Mommy. It doesn’t sound very sleepy or relaxing. It doesn’t sound too squishy either. It sounds very painful and bad. It is much better for me to be in a steamy darkness, permanently shielded from all these scary things. Death will be much more to my liking, Mommy, if you please.

Right now, the only thing I care about is a large sack of fluid. If all these bad things were happening to me, how would I stay warm? How would I be able to drift in and out of half-sleep like I do now? I don’t know if I will be able to cope with any of those things without the subconscious privileges I have now. Dying sounds a lot more reasonable, if you think about it.

Do you hate me, Mommy? Is that why you want me to be born? Of course not. I am in a ridiculously early stage of undetermined sex. Please end my short life before it has a chance to become painful and confusing. Let me continue my existence in this haven of wet, comfortable darkness.

I know you would do your best to be a good mommy. I know you have considered dropping out of school, moving in with your parents and getting a temporary job at the factory. Thank you, Mommy. But you don’t have to go through all that. All I want is to be dead.

Please, pretty please, kill me.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close