Monkey Baby For Material Mom?

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Vol 36 Issue 32

Man Thinks He Managed To Masturbate Without Waking Roommate

OMAHA, NE–Creighton University sophomore Adam Wilmut is under the mistaken impression that he managed to masturbate Tuesday without waking roommate and top-bunk occupant Scott Engram. "For about 10 minutes, I could feel the loft frame vibrating slightly," the 19-year-old Engram said. "Then, the vibrating escalated just a tiny bit for about 30 seconds before stopping altogether." The incident marked the fifth time in as many days that Wilmut's stealth masturbation was detected.

Arby's Regional Manager's Work Done Here

ROLLING MEADOWS, IL–Carl Biggs, regional manager of 11 Arby's restaurants in Chicago's Northwest suburbs, has done all he can here, the 41-year-old announced Monday before vanishing from the chain's Rand Road outlet in a cloud of Ford Escort exhaust. "Who was that mysterious man?" asked awestruck cashier Doug Sowell, 19, shortly after the visit. "I don't know," crew chief Karen Wilhoyte responded, "but he left this memorandum detailing proper kitchen hygiene procedures."

Senior Citizens Discuss Merits Of County-Clerk Candidates

MARSHFIELD, MO–During their weekly canasta game Monday, area octogenarians Beatrice Evans and Ida Hollings discussed the relative merits of the candidates for Webster County Clerk. "I like the fact that Wayne Speno wants to lower passport fees," Evans said. "On the other hand, he wants to keep the vital-statistics office open only until 4 p.m. weekdays, which isn't late enough." Hollings said she plans to vote for Speno opponent Mary Lodge. "[Lodge] did a fine job as assistant county clerk these past six years," Hollings said, "and I really feel like she's ready."

Nation Abuzz Over C-SPAN Original Movie

WASHINGTON, DC–Across America, excitement is building for this Friday's premiere of C-SPAN's first-ever original movie, Quorum Call: The H.R.1277 Story. Billed as "the incredible, true tale of the passage of the Department of Energy Civilian Research and Development Act of 1997," the film stars Rep. Ken Calvert (R-CA) as an idealistic young congressman determined to secure allocations of $22.5 million for Fiscal Year 1998 and $23.9 for Fiscal Year 1999 for geothermal electric research and development.

Bush Surges Ahead In Polls After Strong Showing On Pommel Horse

WASHINGTON, DC–George W. Bush pulled ahead of Al Gore in presidential polls Monday following a near-perfect score of 9.95 on the pommel horse. "Bush was in total command, showing textbook technique on his scissor elements and nailing his dismount," ABC News/Washington Post poll spokesman Andrew Hollandsworth said. "He looked confident and strong up there, and the American people are responding." The impressive effort helped Bush regain ground lost in Gore's decisive Sept. 10 victory in the ribbon-dance event.

The Debate Debate

For months, Al Gore and George Bush have been unable to agree on a presidential-debate format, with each candidate accusing the other of ducking a face-off. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Personal Finance

Monkey Baby For Material Mom?

Item! Material mom Madonna just had her second baby! I wish I could report this as good old-fashioned good news, but there have been some complications. Madonna has been tight-lipped about it, but my sources say the baby is covered from head to toe with soft, velvety fur like a monkey! No word as to whether it has a tail. Aside from that, the baby is said to be doing fine and is the spitting image of mom. Fur or otherwise, babies are cute. Way to go, Madonna!

Item! People magazine's Best Dressed List 2000 is out, and, boy, is it filled with surprises! Among the stars cited for outstanding achievement in expensive-clothes-wearing: Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, and hunktor supreme George Clooney. And if color photographs of those stars weren't enough to send you racing to your local newsstand, the issue's also got a rare picture of Jennifer Lopez in her controversial Oscar dress! You may be partial to cats or dogs, but, me, I'll always be a People person.

Best of luck to Emmy Award nominee Kelsey Grammer. Here's hoping he finally nabs that elusive ninth Emmy.

Item! The tribal council has spoken! The final Survivor was chosen recently, and it was Richard, the flabby gay one. For the longest time, I was rooting for Greg because he was a bit kooky, but then I shifted my Personal Alliance to Kelly, because she was so nice and moderately cute, to boot. Then, when Sue was so terrible to her in her final speech, I was totally for Kelly and devastated that Richard won. The whole thing led me on a huge emotional roller coaster that I'm still not recovered from. If I'm lucky, I might be rested up in time for Survivor II: Outback Steakhouse!

Harvey Movie Moment! I saw the Coyote Ugly movie, and I was pretty disappointed. There was a real story in there about a beautiful young woman's struggle for the top, but they mussed it up with all sorts of suggestive dancing and tight clothes. That isn't to say that I don't like looking at pretty women, but I was really hoping to be moved by the stirring tale of a 19-year-old blonde trying to make it in the big city. At least it had LeAnn Rimes at the end. That gal can sing!

They say you need eight hours of sleep a night, but I usually prefer nine.

Item! Screenwriter Joe Estherhouse is turning heads with his new book. It's about politics. And, if I'm remembering what I saw at my local bookstore correctly, it's got a giant pair of lips on the cover. Now, if this book is anywhere near as good as his work on Jade, it should be a sexy sizzler!

I don't like to talk politics, but I am totally swept up in Election Fever! I mean, I am becoming a real news junkie, watching election coverage whenever I can. I have a pretty good idea who I'm going to vote for, but I don't think it's appropriate to talk about it in a column like this. Just don't get me started over a cup of coffee!

Item! The name that is on everyone's lips these days is Kate Hudson! I'll get back to you as soon as I find out why.

G'day, steroid-pumped machine-men! The Olympics are coming, and all eyes will be on Sydney, Australia, as the world's fastest and most freakish flock to the Land Down Under to compete for golden glory! Word is, Australia's own Jocko, recently diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, will be given the honor of lighting the Olympic flame during the opening ceremonies. If this rumor is true, don't expect to see a dry eye in the house. With his crazy mid-'80s Energizer antics, Jocko truly energized us all. Oi, indeed.

Item! The Ms. is a Mrs.! That's right, aging beauty Gloria Steinem has tied the knot with the guy from American Psycho's dad. I think that's just terrific. It took a big person to speak out against marriage in Gloria's heyday, and an even bigger person to eat crow and get married, after all. And she's marrying into Hollywood royalty. Who could resist the bright lights of Hollywood?

Is it just me or are an awful lot of people riding those little metal scooters? Hey, America, I've got an exercise program for you... it's called The Jackie Harvey Get Off Your Butt And Walk Program! Some of you are too old for toys like that.

Item! Roommates Anne Heche and Ellen Degeneres are selling the house they bought together. All good things have to come to an end, I guess. I remember when I was in college, my best friend Gil and I got an apartment together. As you can probably guess, things changed between us, and we stopped being friends. Looking back, it was all stupid arguments about doing the dishes and leaving junk all over. I figure the same thing happened to Anne and Ellen. Hey, Gil, if you're reading this, give me a call some time. We've got a lot of catching up to do.

Remember I told you about potty-mouthed rapperstar M&M? Well, apparently, the people at MTV aren't concerned about showing what's good for the kids. They awarded the rapper some three Video Music Awards. Hey, MTV, you shouldn't be doing that! Remember, what's good for the kids is good for America.

Hey, with all these comic-book movies being made, I want to cast my vote for a Yancy Street Gang film. I mean, those rough-and-tumble guys were the thorn in The Thing's side, but they really had hearts of gold.

When people paint their houses, why do they use a drop cloth and not a catch cloth? And why do they park on the driveway and drive on the parkway? These and other humorous observations can be found in a speech I'm working on right now. I don't know where I'm going to give it yet, but you can be sure that I'll keep you in the loop.

I found this great magazine called Talk, and the title pretty much sums it up. It's all pretty provocative stuff that makes you want to talk to someone. It's got politics, entertainment, and profiles of the people that matter. I say kudos to this fine periodical.

Well, that's it for this chapter in the book of entertainment as written by me, Jackie Harvey. You should check back next time, because I'm pretty sure I'll have some news about Sharon Stone by then. Until that time, smell that air coming from the West? It's probably magic you're smelling.... Movie magic!

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