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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

Texas To Execute Death Row Inmates With New 3-Drug Molotov Cocktail

HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail.

Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest

TOPEKA, KS—Descending from on high to gather valuable data on His followers’ preferences, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was said to be conducting a soft return this week in hopes of gauging interest in His Second Coming.

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Monkey Baby For Material Mom?

Item! Material mom Madonna just had her second baby! I wish I could report this as good old-fashioned good news, but there have been some complications. Madonna has been tight-lipped about it, but my sources say the baby is covered from head to toe with soft, velvety fur like a monkey! No word as to whether it has a tail. Aside from that, the baby is said to be doing fine and is the spitting image of mom. Fur or otherwise, babies are cute. Way to go, Madonna!

Item! People magazine's Best Dressed List 2000 is out, and, boy, is it filled with surprises! Among the stars cited for outstanding achievement in expensive-clothes-wearing: Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, and hunktor supreme George Clooney. And if color photographs of those stars weren't enough to send you racing to your local newsstand, the issue's also got a rare picture of Jennifer Lopez in her controversial Oscar dress! You may be partial to cats or dogs, but, me, I'll always be a People person.

Best of luck to Emmy Award nominee Kelsey Grammer. Here's hoping he finally nabs that elusive ninth Emmy.

Item! The tribal council has spoken! The final Survivor was chosen recently, and it was Richard, the flabby gay one. For the longest time, I was rooting for Greg because he was a bit kooky, but then I shifted my Personal Alliance to Kelly, because she was so nice and moderately cute, to boot. Then, when Sue was so terrible to her in her final speech, I was totally for Kelly and devastated that Richard won. The whole thing led me on a huge emotional roller coaster that I'm still not recovered from. If I'm lucky, I might be rested up in time for Survivor II: Outback Steakhouse!

Harvey Movie Moment! I saw the Coyote Ugly movie, and I was pretty disappointed. There was a real story in there about a beautiful young woman's struggle for the top, but they mussed it up with all sorts of suggestive dancing and tight clothes. That isn't to say that I don't like looking at pretty women, but I was really hoping to be moved by the stirring tale of a 19-year-old blonde trying to make it in the big city. At least it had LeAnn Rimes at the end. That gal can sing!

They say you need eight hours of sleep a night, but I usually prefer nine.

Item! Screenwriter Joe Estherhouse is turning heads with his new book. It's about politics. And, if I'm remembering what I saw at my local bookstore correctly, it's got a giant pair of lips on the cover. Now, if this book is anywhere near as good as his work on Jade, it should be a sexy sizzler!

I don't like to talk politics, but I am totally swept up in Election Fever! I mean, I am becoming a real news junkie, watching election coverage whenever I can. I have a pretty good idea who I'm going to vote for, but I don't think it's appropriate to talk about it in a column like this. Just don't get me started over a cup of coffee!

Item! The name that is on everyone's lips these days is Kate Hudson! I'll get back to you as soon as I find out why.

G'day, steroid-pumped machine-men! The Olympics are coming, and all eyes will be on Sydney, Australia, as the world's fastest and most freakish flock to the Land Down Under to compete for golden glory! Word is, Australia's own Jocko, recently diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, will be given the honor of lighting the Olympic flame during the opening ceremonies. If this rumor is true, don't expect to see a dry eye in the house. With his crazy mid-'80s Energizer antics, Jocko truly energized us all. Oi, indeed.

Item! The Ms. is a Mrs.! That's right, aging beauty Gloria Steinem has tied the knot with the guy from American Psycho's dad. I think that's just terrific. It took a big person to speak out against marriage in Gloria's heyday, and an even bigger person to eat crow and get married, after all. And she's marrying into Hollywood royalty. Who could resist the bright lights of Hollywood?

Is it just me or are an awful lot of people riding those little metal scooters? Hey, America, I've got an exercise program for you... it's called The Jackie Harvey Get Off Your Butt And Walk Program! Some of you are too old for toys like that.

Item! Roommates Anne Heche and Ellen Degeneres are selling the house they bought together. All good things have to come to an end, I guess. I remember when I was in college, my best friend Gil and I got an apartment together. As you can probably guess, things changed between us, and we stopped being friends. Looking back, it was all stupid arguments about doing the dishes and leaving junk all over. I figure the same thing happened to Anne and Ellen. Hey, Gil, if you're reading this, give me a call some time. We've got a lot of catching up to do.

Remember I told you about potty-mouthed rapperstar M&M? Well, apparently, the people at MTV aren't concerned about showing what's good for the kids. They awarded the rapper some three Video Music Awards. Hey, MTV, you shouldn't be doing that! Remember, what's good for the kids is good for America.

Hey, with all these comic-book movies being made, I want to cast my vote for a Yancy Street Gang film. I mean, those rough-and-tumble guys were the thorn in The Thing's side, but they really had hearts of gold.

When people paint their houses, why do they use a drop cloth and not a catch cloth? And why do they park on the driveway and drive on the parkway? These and other humorous observations can be found in a speech I'm working on right now. I don't know where I'm going to give it yet, but you can be sure that I'll keep you in the loop.

I found this great magazine called Talk, and the title pretty much sums it up. It's all pretty provocative stuff that makes you want to talk to someone. It's got politics, entertainment, and profiles of the people that matter. I say kudos to this fine periodical.

Well, that's it for this chapter in the book of entertainment as written by me, Jackie Harvey. You should check back next time, because I'm pretty sure I'll have some news about Sharon Stone by then. Until that time, smell that air coming from the West? It's probably magic you're smelling.... Movie magic!

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