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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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More Like Blair Witch Projectile Vomiting!

Item! In the terminal overhype department, I have to say that this new Blair Witch Project was one of the biggest snores I have ever seen in my life! First of all, I got queasy from all the jerky movement and the shots of leaves and grass. I was so nauseous, I couldn't even bring myself to go back to the concession stand to get my free refill on popcorn, and you know how much I love popcorn! And then there were the characters: They were all big jerks, and they didn't even look like celebrities! Who cares if they got lost in the woods? It's not like it was Antonio Banderas or Gwynneth Paltrow out there in danger; it was just a bunch of homely dopes. Tie in the fact that most of it was black-and-white and cheap-looking, and I was left considerably unimpressed. Count me out for the sequel, guys. And in the future, please consider leaving moviemaking to the professionals.

But do you know what movie was scary and a fun watch to boot? The Haunting, starring hunky Brit Li-Gon Neeson and sizzling Spanish sexpot Katherine Zeta-Jones. Now, that was some pure Hollywood magic! It had suspense: What was really the story of the house? Would everyone make it out alive? How did they do those wild ghost effects? And, like I said before, it had something that was lacking in the other movie: star power! You really cared about what happened to them. Except for the main character, who wasn't very famous or beautiful. On the Harveymeter, I give it five stars. I'm going again, and buying it on video, too!

You know, some people think Jeff Foxworthy is funny, but I think he's just plain offensive.

Item! Wondering when singer, nay, consummate entertainer Wayne Newton was going to return to Las Vegas? I was, too. I mean, he had been performing in Branson, MO, but that just doesn't seem right. A legendary performer like Wayne Newton needs a glamorous backdrop and, no offense intended, Branson just doesn't cover it. Well, hang on to your seats, fans, because Wayne is back! Word on the wire is that he's going to be playing some secret engagements on The Strip in support of his upcoming six-disc box set, Forever Wayne. I'm definitely buying my ticket this weekend, after I do some long-overdue housework. All I can say is dunka shane, Wayne.

Speaking of music, why is it that the best bands perform at the worst places these days? I remember when Journey was packing them in at big coliseums, and rightly so. Now, the best you can hope for is to see them on a dirt track at a raceway. Too bad, in my humble opinion.

Someone I know just told me they had a coleslaw sandwich. It sounded pretty gross at first, but after considering it for a while, I decided it just might be yummy, after all.

Item! Hot on the heels of the smash-hit The Mod Squad, it looks like another classic TV show is going though the Hollywood biggetizer. I'm talking, of course, about Charlie's Angels, the super-sexy female secret-agent double-detective bodyguard show from the '70s that launched the careers of Kate Smith, Suzanne Somers and Farrah Fawcett-Majors. I have it on good authority that the film has been cast with singer/actress/positive role model Brandy, Claire Danes and, get ready, Farrah playing Bosley. I don't know if anyone has seen the script, but if they have, I'm just dying to know the details. Please, drop me a line and let me know what happens!

Speaking of '70s TV, I recently saw the E! True Hollywood Story on Herve Villechez, the midget from Fantasy Island. Did you know that in addition to being a talented actor, he was also a sculptor, poet and accomplished yachtsman? Herve, we hardly knew ye...

Item! Farewell to my comrade-in-stargazing Jeffery Wells, columnist for the website Mr. Showbiz. I still can't figure that Internet superhighway out, but my intern Thad used to print out his columns for me. He's quit the writing business and gone off to the greener pastures of movie acting. While I didn't agree with everything he said, he sure made me think. And his movie quotes always stumped me until I saw the answer. You made me a better person, Jeffery, and I'm sad to see you go. By the way, if anyone from Mr. Showbiz is reading this, I can send you additional writing samples upon request.

I've got Latin music fever!

I know that the media has pretty much done it to death, but this is my first column since John F. Kennedy Jr. passed away in a tragic plane wreck, and I have to say something. People who know me know I'm no worshipper of false idols. But in John-John, I feel there was something of a real idol to be found. It wasn't just his immaculate pedigree or his washboard abs, or the fact that he was making those Washington fatcats watch their backs with his muckraking magazine George. It was the warmth, the character and the glow that manifested itself, even in photos. I have to say that I join the nation in mourning John-John. Just a well-placed light or a little less haze could have made all the difference between life and death. But then, it's not good to play "what if." Rather, let's just take our memories of the casket-saluting boy whose president father was shot to death and hold them tenderly. Alas, another beautiful young candle has been snuffed out by the wind.

A cap worn forwards blocks the shade, but a cap worn backwards feels more comfortable and looks great, too!

Well, the votes are all in, and the winner of the Win A Date With Jackie Harvey contest is Katie (last name withheld by request) of Thunder Bay, Ontario! She doesn't drink, she has a number of children, and her favorite TV show is Hockey Night In Canada. Well, that's a winner in my book. The only problem is that Katie is in Canada, and I am here in the good old U.S. of A. It's beyond my modest budget to drive to the land Up Above, so I'll have to take a rain check on it. But who knows? When I get to Thunder Bay (and I will someday--I hear it's beautiful), I will certainly look up Katie the Kanuck for an evening of fun!

Well, that's all for now from the head of Harvey. But you know me. I always have my ear to the grapevine looking for juicy tidbits to pass along to my faithful readers. Until I do, keep an eye out for me at the movies, in the record shops, or simply in the supermarket shopping for a good ear of sweet corn. I'm not like some of those big-head celebrity hounds who are too good for people or who get into movies for free. No, I'm a person, just like you. If you don't see me, just keep the faith and know that somewhere, the dream is alive... in Hollywood!

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