Mothering Frights

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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Tips For Choosing A Good Babysitter

More mothers and fathers today are working full-time while raising kids, which means parents are increasingly turning to babysitters and nannies to care for their children at home.
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Mothering Frights

Every Jeanketeer worth his or her low-sodium salt substitute (!!) knows that Christmas is my very favorite holiday, with Valentine's Day a close second. Know what my third-favorite is? It's every second Sunday in May, when mothers, moms, mamas, and mommies alike are honored with their very own special day!

Mother's Day has always given me the warm fuzzies. The notion of being surrounded by little people who popped out of your very own tummy presenting you with homemade cards or little gifts bought with their allowances just charms my socks off! It must be the most wonderful feeling in the world.

I'm not a mommy myself (yet!) but my lack of moppetry has never kept me from celebrating in my own way! Every Mother's Day morning, I get up early and make myself some yummy breakfast in bed. Waffles, eggs, bacon, juice, coffee, silk flower in a crystal rosebud vase—the works. Then I carry the tray to my room, climb into bed, and commence noshing! That is, if Hubby Rick is not snoring too loud. He's not much of a morning person, and likes to sleep in (or sleep it off, depending on how sloshed he got at Tacky's Tavern the night before!). If he's making the bedroom windows rattle, I just plop myself down on the living-room couch and watch QVC as I eat.

Then, I battle the post-breakfast sleepies so I stay up to receive my special present. Sure enough, usually by 11 a.m., ring-ring goes the old doorbell. It's a delivery guy with my customary bouquet of pink and yellow roses! He wears a big smile and says "Happy Mother's Day!" I'm nearly moved to tears by this, and always give him a generous tip for his perfectly reasonable, justified, and dead-wrong assumption. I open and read the words in the enclosed card that, over the phone, I told the florist to inscribe: "We love you, Mommy! From Rhett, Schuyler, and Antoinette." These are my made-up children. Whoops, scratch that—I take it back. After all, they could very well be my real children someday! I've just already picked out their names. (I can trust you not to tell Rick about my little peculiarity, right? I hide the card from him and say that the flowers are from my friend Patti.)

A little later, if the weather's nice, I go Mother's Day bargain-hunting. I've gotten quite a few mommy-freebies through the years: margaritas, red-velvet cupcakes, 10-minute massages, perfume and makeup samples, coupons and discounts galore. If some dear soul asks where my kids are, I just say the hubby has them for a few hours while I take a much-needed me-break.

Okay, okay, so I'm fibbing a little. Now, don't get your undies in a bunch, Jeanketeers! I don't seriously think that Mother's Day is only about a childless woman getting her annual maternal mistaken-identity fix. My own mom is alive and well, and I make sure she gets her due, too—or try to, at least.

Last week I called to invite her to Mother's Day brunch at the Licked Skillet. I generally try to call about once a month. (She never calls—she argues that I have more than enough free time on my hands to do the calling myself.) The conversation started with her complaining about having to make a high property tax payment, and it being "all that black president's fault" or something—I wasn't quite sure what she meant since political stuff goes over my head.

When I finally brought up brunch, she said that she already had plans with her gentleman-friend Rodney. I asked why she didn't keep her Mother's Day free. She told me that her usual outing with my brother Kevin and his family was canceled because they decided to spend the day at that "heretic storefront church of theirs." (Mom is still upset at Kevin for becoming born-again and no longer attending Catholic mass.) Besides, she doubted I could afford such extravagance, and said "if [I] really believed in Mother's Day" I should send her a check for that $100 I owe her for a Greyhound bus trip I took 18 years ago. In short, it was a typical conversation with Mom. I decided to end the call before I said something I would regret.

I like to think that when I become a mommy, I won't behave like my mom. After all, why be so sour and negative to someone you wished and prayed for all your life? I would think a daughter would make you very happy. She could be the best friend you ever had. Imagine me strutting down the street with my scaled-down version! We'd get our nails done together, or share an ice-cream float at Ruby Tuesday, or wear matching pink sweats! Maybe Jean, Jr. would even want to wear a pair of glasses (nonprescription, hopefully) just like her mommy. And I think a lil' Jean would be pleasantly plump, too. All that chocolate Mommy couldn't resist spoiling her with would head straight to her adorable little thighs!

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