adBlockCheck

My Autobiography, Now In Stereo-scope

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

My Autobiography, Now In Stereo-scope

Now that my long-awaited autobiography, God-damn The Lot Of You!, has become the publishing triumph of the season, I am proud to announce that this great work will soon be made available on stereo-scope. The public will be able to view events from my life in arresting three-dimensional depth unattainable from the regular photo-graphic view.

The stereo-scope collection, divided into three sets of 84 cards each, can be purchased at any dry-goods or general-mercantile establishment for an average working-man's weekly salary. For an additional fee, a handsome wooden stereo-scope is also provided so that the dazzling effect of the realistic depictions can be fully enjoyed.

Included in the first set are scenes of my lusty pioneer boy-hood on the Great Plains as the winsome, tow-headed son of the great Onion founder Herman Ulysses Zweibel. It features such momentous events as the time Father and I slew 2,874 passenger pigeons in one after-noon; my apprenticeship to the village brazier; my baby sister Agatha's tragic succumbing to the yellow-fever; and several heart-stopping scenes of butter-churning.

The second set focuses on the events of my long years as editor and publisher of The Onion, including: my intense rivalry with despised Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge; an Onion reporter's "scoop" of a graft ring at City Hall involving the Mayor himself; and my subsequent killing of the story, firing of the reporter, and collecting of a handsome bribe from the Mayor to keep it all quiet.

Finally, the third set looks at my later years. Among the highlights: my court-imposed retirement and decades of illness and convalescence; the nurses I have had; favorite ointments; the time I got the shingles; accidental burials; and my glorious ascension into Heaven.

This is just a small sample of the wonders that await you in this most praiseworthy collection of exciting scenes. And the first 500 souls who purchase my stereo-scope autobiography will also receive, free of charge, an additional stereo-scope card series of either "The Crucifixion Of Jesus Christ," "Panoramic Views Of The Erie Canal," or "How Beef Is Cured."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close