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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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My Autobiography, Now In Stereo-scope

Now that my long-awaited autobiography, God-damn The Lot Of You!, has become the publishing triumph of the season, I am proud to announce that this great work will soon be made available on stereo-scope. The public will be able to view events from my life in arresting three-dimensional depth unattainable from the regular photo-graphic view.

The stereo-scope collection, divided into three sets of 84 cards each, can be purchased at any dry-goods or general-mercantile establishment for an average working-man's weekly salary. For an additional fee, a handsome wooden stereo-scope is also provided so that the dazzling effect of the realistic depictions can be fully enjoyed.

Included in the first set are scenes of my lusty pioneer boy-hood on the Great Plains as the winsome, tow-headed son of the great Onion founder Herman Ulysses Zweibel. It features such momentous events as the time Father and I slew 2,874 passenger pigeons in one after-noon; my apprenticeship to the village brazier; my baby sister Agatha's tragic succumbing to the yellow-fever; and several heart-stopping scenes of butter-churning.

The second set focuses on the events of my long years as editor and publisher of The Onion, including: my intense rivalry with despised Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge; an Onion reporter's "scoop" of a graft ring at City Hall involving the Mayor himself; and my subsequent killing of the story, firing of the reporter, and collecting of a handsome bribe from the Mayor to keep it all quiet.

Finally, the third set looks at my later years. Among the highlights: my court-imposed retirement and decades of illness and convalescence; the nurses I have had; favorite ointments; the time I got the shingles; accidental burials; and my glorious ascension into Heaven.

This is just a small sample of the wonders that await you in this most praiseworthy collection of exciting scenes. And the first 500 souls who purchase my stereo-scope autobiography will also receive, free of charge, an additional stereo-scope card series of either "The Crucifixion Of Jesus Christ," "Panoramic Views Of The Erie Canal," or "How Beef Is Cured."

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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