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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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My Autobiography, Now In Stereo-scope

Now that my long-awaited autobiography, God-damn The Lot Of You!, has become the publishing triumph of the season, I am proud to announce that this great work will soon be made available on stereo-scope. The public will be able to view events from my life in arresting three-dimensional depth unattainable from the regular photo-graphic view.

The stereo-scope collection, divided into three sets of 84 cards each, can be purchased at any dry-goods or general-mercantile establishment for an average working-man's weekly salary. For an additional fee, a handsome wooden stereo-scope is also provided so that the dazzling effect of the realistic depictions can be fully enjoyed.

Included in the first set are scenes of my lusty pioneer boy-hood on the Great Plains as the winsome, tow-headed son of the great Onion founder Herman Ulysses Zweibel. It features such momentous events as the time Father and I slew 2,874 passenger pigeons in one after-noon; my apprenticeship to the village brazier; my baby sister Agatha's tragic succumbing to the yellow-fever; and several heart-stopping scenes of butter-churning.

The second set focuses on the events of my long years as editor and publisher of The Onion, including: my intense rivalry with despised Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge; an Onion reporter's "scoop" of a graft ring at City Hall involving the Mayor himself; and my subsequent killing of the story, firing of the reporter, and collecting of a handsome bribe from the Mayor to keep it all quiet.

Finally, the third set looks at my later years. Among the highlights: my court-imposed retirement and decades of illness and convalescence; the nurses I have had; favorite ointments; the time I got the shingles; accidental burials; and my glorious ascension into Heaven.

This is just a small sample of the wonders that await you in this most praiseworthy collection of exciting scenes. And the first 500 souls who purchase my stereo-scope autobiography will also receive, free of charge, an additional stereo-scope card series of either "The Crucifixion Of Jesus Christ," "Panoramic Views Of The Erie Canal," or "How Beef Is Cured."

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