My Baby Don't Want No Medicine

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Vol 36 Issue 38

Woman Feels Guilty After Switching Brands

RUTLAND, VT– Area resident Teresa Grant was plagued by feelings of guilt Monday after buying a box of Snuggle fabric softener, ending years of unswerving brand loyalty to Downy. "I remember my mother using Downy when I was a toddler," a distraught Grant said. "It's just that I got a trial size of Snuggle in the mail and, well, I kind of preferred the smell." Grant added that, while taking the Snuggle box from the supermarket shelf, she strove not to make eye contact with the baby on the Downy bottle.

Filmmakers Call Vincent Canby's Life Overlong, Poorly Paced

NEW YORK– The life of Vincent Canby, the longtime New York Times senior film critic who died last week at 76, is being called "an overlong, poorly paced mess" by filmmakers. "Mr. Canby's life builds glacially, taking an excruciating 21,549,600 minutes to reach the part in which he finally begins writing for the Times," said director Roland Joffe, whose 1986 film The Mission was panned by Canby as "a singularly lumpy sort of movie." "The life then completely falls apart in its final third, with Canby retiring in the most anticlimactic manner possible before an inevitable death scene as awash in bathos as any you're likely to see."

Congressman Picked Last For Committee On Youth Fitness

WASHINGTON, DC– U.S. Rep. David Bonior (D-MI), an awkward, unpopular legislator from Michigan's 10th District, was picked last for the new House Committee On Youth Fitness Monday. "I didn't even want to be on that dumb committee," said Bonior after being made the final pick by Rep. J.C. Watts Jr. (R-OK), the committee's athletic, well-liked chairman. "I'm only doing it because I have to be on one more committee to get full credit for this term." Bonior reportedly stood at the front of the House floor during the selection process, trying to be noticed.

U.S. Leads World In Mexican-Food Availability

UNITED NATIONS– According to a U.N. report released Monday, for the 16th straight year, the U.S. ranks first in the world in Mexican-food availability. "The U.S. boasts an unrivaled abundance of Mexican food, producing 23 billion pounds of tacos, enchiladas, and burritos in 1999," the report read. "No other nation on Earth can claim such plenty with regard to beans-and-rice-based Mexican fare." Japan ranked second, with the top five rounded out by Canada, Mexico, and the United Kingdom.

Sharon Stone To Star In Major Backstage Drama

HOLLYWOOD, CA– Daily Variety reported Monday that Sharon Stone will star in a major backstage drama on the set of the upcoming Barry Levinson film This Charming Man. "Look for Ms. Stone to electrify onlookers throughout the Paramount Pictures lot with her gripping performance as a star outraged that some wardrobe-department nobody keeps knocking on her trailer when she's trying to get into character," Daily Variety's Peter Bart wrote in his Back Lot column. The Stone scene is expected to generate major buzz in Paramount studio head Sherry Lansing's office.

Around The World In One Paragraph

Yesterday in my bed-chamber, Nurse Pin-head opened the glass-doors to my private balcony to release the fetid cloud of odors, miasmas, and sour regrets which had built up over the past several weeks. But as soon as this poisonous atmosphere was expelled, my bed-chamber became contaminated with the cacophony of the out-side world. I could hear the milk-maids' buckets clatter, the cows lowing in the dell, and the indentured servant boy's tortured cries as he was being flogged. But punctuating this din was a sort of inane chattering, occasionally interrupted by a shrill cackle.
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My Baby Don't Want No Medicine

I hate them doctors. They always talking a bunch of shit like they know so much, always trying to act all big and important, like they a movie star or something. That bitch Dr. Ennis be telling me I got to give Rywanda some stupid medicine when she ain't even sick. Fuck that shit. My baby don't want no medicine.

That pink shit nasty. I tried pouring it over Rywanda's lunch, but it just made the Fruit Loops all soggy, and she wouldn't eat it. Me and my baby got a trustful relationship, so when she tell me she don't want no medicine, I trust her that she got her reason.

I told Dr. Ennis that Rywanda don't wanna take that medicine, but she don't listen to me. She say I supposed to give it to her anyway. Dr. Ennis say Rywanda supposed to swallow a spoonful of that stank-ass shit every six hours. That means I'm supposed to wake her up at night after she already sleeping. Hell, no.

Dr. Ennis don't know my baby. My baby smart, and when she don't wanna eat something, she tell you. And once she make up her mind that she don't wanna eat something, ain't no making her eat it. If you try, she just scream and cry and go all buckwild on your ass. She ain't gonna take no shit from nobody. I know she got that from me, 'cause I the same way.

That's why I hate it when them fuckin' punk-ass doctors try to tell me how to raise my baby. I don't go to they house and tell them how to raise they baby, do I? No, I don't.

I think I'm gonna call up and get a different doctor, one at the east-side clinic. At least that way, if I gotta take the bus over there, I'll be near the mall. But whichever clinic I go to, I gotta get rid of Dr. Ennis. I think she might be some kinda pervert, after some of the shit she wanna know about Rywanda. Like how many times Rywanda took a shit last week. Why she gotta know that? That's just nasty.

The only reason I went to see a doctor in the first place is because Debra, that fat old social-worker bitch, got all up in my grill about getting Rywanda some shots. Then, when I go in, they say Rywanda got something in her intestines and that's why her stomach so big. I'm like, her stomach so big 'cause she always eat like a pig! She always crawling up to the refrigerator and sitting there, waiting for me to open it up. Or when I'm drinking a can of Coke, she always grabbing at it until I put some in her bottle for her.

Now, don't you start gettin' all on me like everybody else do. I know babies ain't supposed to drink Coke 'cause it's bad for them. They got to have Kool-Aid or Hi-C or something that ain't got bubbles in it. Anyway, I only give my baby Coke when I run out of the cans of shit I get from Debra. I finally got Debra to stop ridin' my ass about not breast-feeding Rywanda. That's just fucked-up, and I ain't even gonna talk about it.

I don't even know where Dr. Ennis get off saying Rywanda sick. She sleeping real good lately. Instead of being all, "Mama, mama," she actually sleep when she supposed to. And Rywanda used to just crawl around in front of the TV and not even look at it. But now that she getting older, she smart enough to sit down and watch talk shows with me. Rywanda's over a year old now. Her birthday was in September. I think the 14th.

A couple days ago, I ask my friend Erin if Rywanda look sick to her. Erin's baby was in the hospital last month, so she would know. Erin said, 'Fuck, no. Rywanda fine.' She said doctors just wanna take your money. She say it's even worse when you got a Medicare card, 'cause then they treat you like shit and think they can tell you what to do even more. You know what I say? Fuck that.

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