My Beloved, Would You Do Me The Honor Of Becoming The Fourth Mrs. Charles Ballard?

In This Section

Vol 40 Issue 51

Son Loved More Than Football, Less Than Playoff Football

ALLENTOWN, PA—Diehard Eagles fan Bill Ferris said Monday that he loves his 12-year-old son Rex more than football, excepting the thrilling playoff games, of course. "When I tell you I love my son more than football, you better believe I'm saying something important," said Ferris, a 38-year-old accountant. "I wouldn't think of missing Rex playing a shepherd in the church nativity scene this Sunday. That's because the Eagles clinched the NFC East, and probably home-field advantage, too." Ferris said he has yet to form a plan for next month, when a playoff game overlaps with his son's band concert.

Actor Receives $25 Million For Everyman Role

HOLLYWOOD—Tom Hanks will reunite with director Steven Spielberg in Dreamworks' Payne's Pride, in which he will play the part of everyman John Hamilton Payne and receive $25 million for his efforts. "Tom is a man of the people," Spielberg said. "America loves him because he seems so approachable, and that's exactly what I told him last weekend over some Merlot from his vineyards." Spielberg added that Hanks is always a joy to work with because "he can really nail 'down to earth.'"

Secretary Cracks Under Administration Of Third Raspberry Margarita

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Wintrust Financial secretary Kerry Jorgenson finally succumbed to coworker Charlotte Franze's interrogation after the administration of a third raspberry margarita at Champ's Dugout Monday. "No, Helen wasn't really sick last week—she and her husband are in counseling," a tipsy Jorgenson told Franze after slurping up the last few drops of her Razzmatazz. "And Jeffrey in tech support? Queer as a $3 bill. He and his 'roommate' are taking a trip to Florence together." Coworkers announced plans to re-administer margaritas at some point in the future, to coax Jorgenson into confirming their suspicions that their supervisor Jack Doogan gets Botox injections.

Recently Mugged Friend A Racist All Of A Sudden

CHICAGO—Ever since being mugged by a black man, 28-year-old Caucasian Mark Weisner has become a racist, friends reported Monday. "I used to be more trusting, but I learned my lesson the hard way in October," Weisner said, alluding to the mugging. "Now I'm a lot more cautious around certain types, if you know what I mean." Weisner added that he has "no problem with Asian Americans."

Recalled Holiday Toys

The U.S Consumer Product Safety Comission recently released its annual list of recalled toys. Which items should parents avoid buying?

Jury: Peterson Deserves Death

Last week, jurors recommended that Scott Peterson be sentenced to death for murdering his pregnant wife, Laci. What do you think?

Privacy Advocates Refuse To Release New Report

WASHINGTON, DC—Privacy-rights advocates from the American Privacy Rights Center refused to release a heavily researched report on the new Intelligence Reform and Terrorism Prevention Act of 2004 Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Eating

Small Business

My Beloved, Would You Do Me The Honor Of Becoming The Fourth Mrs. Charles Ballard?

My dearest Rachel, we've been through so much in the past eight months. We've loved together, laughed together, and grown ever closer. You are everything I look for in a new wife: beautiful, intelligent, strong-willed, and creative. I can't imagine a life without you. So now, down on bended knee, my beloved, I ask you: Will you make me the happiest man alive by doing me the honor of becoming the fourth Mrs. Charles Ballard?

I only told you about Veronica and Patrice? Well, I'm sorry. Janice and I got an annulment after a week, so I usually don't count her. Please, I was so young. It's ancient history. But when I look into your eyes, Rachel, I see our future. I see us living a perfect life in the house that I got from Veronica in the settlement. Unless Veronica gets a better lawyer, I have no doubt that you and I will spend many fine years there.

I know you want to raise a family, and I can't wait for you to meet Travis, Jason, Andrew, Mike, and Charles Jr. The boys are going to love you. And, my darling, as you know, one of the things I value most about our relationship is that we can be honest with each other. That's why I feel comfortable telling you now that I had a vasectomy when I was 35. Patrice insisted on it.

Yeah, she was nuts.

I can honestly say that these eight months have shown me what true love can be. It doesn't have to be predictable and boring like Patrice, or contentious and competitive like Veronica. And there is no reason for love to be like try-to-run-you-down-with-a-riding-lawn-mower-because-you-forgot-to-return-a-video Janice, but I'd rather not talk about that. Our love is on a completely different level. You are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, the fourth and final Mrs. Charles Ballard. I mean, I'm really hoping it turns out that way.

I want to take you away, my love. Have you ever dreamt of a glorious, two-week honeymoon in the Greek Isles? I've heard it's very beautiful, very romantic, better than Paris. Paris was way too crowded—it's not as great for honeymooning as everyone says. Oh, and obviously, Vegas is out. Yeesh, Vegas. That was a bust. Seriously, I think the Greek Isles is the way to go. Or we could go somewhere else I've never honeymooned before, like Cancun. Why don't you just think about it?

If you accept my humble offer, I will make you so happy. I'll do everything in my power to make sure you never regret that you married me. It's much too painful when that happens.

By the way, I know you wanted a big church wedding, but I really can't get married in a Catholic church again after Veronica. It's not so bad, though. You wouldn't believe how nice a civil ceremony can be if you put some effort into it. And not to keep harping on this, but I really wish you would reconsider a small wedding with close family and a few friends. Take it from me, the big weddings really aren't worth the hassle and expense.

I just love you so much. Our relationship is so strong—stronger than the other marriages. You complete me in ways my other wives never did. We're always growing together—which is essential, believe me. By now I kinda have it all down. Yup, I think I've seen just about every mistake a wife can make. And I'm better for it! Don't you see? The path of marriage and divorce, marriage and divorce, marriage and divorce has led me to you, at last. And ending up with you has made the journey worth it.

So, Rachel Montesanto, will you make me the happiest man on earth and become Mrs. Charles Ballard numero quattro?

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More