adBlockCheck

Recent News

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

My Brother Is Going To Love This Forwarded List Of Lawyer Jokes

I've got a question for you: How do you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving!

That's just one of the countless great zingers on this list of lawyer jokes my wife's friend Kate forwarded to me yesterday. Luckily, I'm on Kate's e-mail forward list, so whenever she gets something funny, I'm sure to get it, along with the 30 or so other people on her list. In turn, I always make sure to forward the stuff I get to people I think would appreciate it–like my brother Jim!

There are about 200 lawyer jokes on this latest list. I haven't actually read them all; I just scrolled down a few pages. I did, however, make sure to forward them to my brother, because I figured he'd enjoy spending 30 to 40 minutes going through it. Same thing goes for the long list of golf jokes I forwarded him last week and the list of blonde jokes the week before.

Now, my brother isn't actually a lawyer. And I don't think he has any lawyer friends. And, as far as I know, he doesn't specifically have anything against lawyers. But who doesn't enjoy a few hundred good-natured jabs at lawyers every now and then? I mean, lawyers are like vultures. In fact, do you know the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent-flyer miles. Boy, my brother is going to love that one!

You know what? Something strange just occurred to me. Even though, for the past two years, I've faithfully forwarded stuff to Jim three or four times a week, he's never sent anything to me. Never. Not so much as one Lewinsky joke. Not one "You Know You're A Redneck If..." list. Not one "Wassssup!" parody. (Not even the one where the rabbis say "Shalom!" instead of "Wassssup!" Have you seen that one? It's hysterical!)

Jim e-mails me occasionally with a friendly message or to ask me a question, so I know his outgoing mail works. I guess his coworkers at the university are so out of the loop that no one sends them any funny stuff. Just between you and me, I once met some of them, and they did seem a little–how can I put this nicely?–brainy.

I've really worked up a good forwarding list of my own, about 25 people in all. Besides my brother and some other relatives, the list includes my wife, a bunch of her coworkers at the pet clinic, the people in my department at J&H Marketing, some of my old high-school buddies, my podiatrist, my insurance agent, and a few folks I met last year on a vacation to Yellowstone. There are also a few addresses on the list, like 753bc@globonet.com and mmbtinfo@yahoo.com, where I can't remember to whom they belong. Oh, well: Whoever they are, I'm sure they love constantly getting e-mailed funny stuff, like this latest list. Speaking of which, why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

When you forward a mass-forwarded e-mail, you get a good feeling inside. As nice as it is to receive a 10-page list of mommy-mommy jokes, it's even nicer to send that list along to dozens of other people you think would enjoy it, too. Like my brother Jim. Jim is just the sort of guy who appreciates funny stuff like that. To give you an idea of his crazy sense of humor, he once replied to a list of "25 Reasons I'm Late For Work" that I forwarded him. His reply read, "Stop sending me all this crap." Isn't that hilarious? That's exactly why I know he'll love these lawyer jokes!

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close