adBlockCheck

My Brother Is Going To Love This Forwarded List Of Lawyer Jokes

Top Headlines

Recent News

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

My Brother Is Going To Love This Forwarded List Of Lawyer Jokes

I've got a question for you: How do you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving!

That's just one of the countless great zingers on this list of lawyer jokes my wife's friend Kate forwarded to me yesterday. Luckily, I'm on Kate's e-mail forward list, so whenever she gets something funny, I'm sure to get it, along with the 30 or so other people on her list. In turn, I always make sure to forward the stuff I get to people I think would appreciate it–like my brother Jim!

There are about 200 lawyer jokes on this latest list. I haven't actually read them all; I just scrolled down a few pages. I did, however, make sure to forward them to my brother, because I figured he'd enjoy spending 30 to 40 minutes going through it. Same thing goes for the long list of golf jokes I forwarded him last week and the list of blonde jokes the week before.

Now, my brother isn't actually a lawyer. And I don't think he has any lawyer friends. And, as far as I know, he doesn't specifically have anything against lawyers. But who doesn't enjoy a few hundred good-natured jabs at lawyers every now and then? I mean, lawyers are like vultures. In fact, do you know the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent-flyer miles. Boy, my brother is going to love that one!

You know what? Something strange just occurred to me. Even though, for the past two years, I've faithfully forwarded stuff to Jim three or four times a week, he's never sent anything to me. Never. Not so much as one Lewinsky joke. Not one "You Know You're A Redneck If..." list. Not one "Wassssup!" parody. (Not even the one where the rabbis say "Shalom!" instead of "Wassssup!" Have you seen that one? It's hysterical!)

Jim e-mails me occasionally with a friendly message or to ask me a question, so I know his outgoing mail works. I guess his coworkers at the university are so out of the loop that no one sends them any funny stuff. Just between you and me, I once met some of them, and they did seem a little–how can I put this nicely?–brainy.

I've really worked up a good forwarding list of my own, about 25 people in all. Besides my brother and some other relatives, the list includes my wife, a bunch of her coworkers at the pet clinic, the people in my department at J&H Marketing, some of my old high-school buddies, my podiatrist, my insurance agent, and a few folks I met last year on a vacation to Yellowstone. There are also a few addresses on the list, like 753bc@globonet.com and mmbtinfo@yahoo.com, where I can't remember to whom they belong. Oh, well: Whoever they are, I'm sure they love constantly getting e-mailed funny stuff, like this latest list. Speaking of which, why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

When you forward a mass-forwarded e-mail, you get a good feeling inside. As nice as it is to receive a 10-page list of mommy-mommy jokes, it's even nicer to send that list along to dozens of other people you think would enjoy it, too. Like my brother Jim. Jim is just the sort of guy who appreciates funny stuff like that. To give you an idea of his crazy sense of humor, he once replied to a list of "25 Reasons I'm Late For Work" that I forwarded him. His reply read, "Stop sending me all this crap." Isn't that hilarious? That's exactly why I know he'll love these lawyer jokes!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close