My Daughter, Who Lives At 152 East Medgar St. Apt. 4, Can't Keep Her Damn Legs Crossed

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Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

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Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

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Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

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Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

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Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

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Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...
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My Daughter, Who Lives At 152 East Medgar St. Apt. 4, Can't Keep Her Damn Legs Crossed

Being a father is no easy job, and it just gets tougher when you're a father to girls. Don't get me wrong: I love all my kids equally. But somehow, you worry more about your daughters, even—or especially—when they're not so little anymore. Like my daughter Sandra: a warm, intelligent, life-loving young woman who just got her first apartment at 152 East Medgar St. Apt. 4, and who can't seem to keep her damn legs crossed.

Don't bother telling me that all young people go through a "wild" phase, or that I was the same way when I was a young man. That's part of it—I was a young man. I'm sorry, but it's just different. Though I must mention that I didn't swoon and fall on my back whenever someone put on Al Green's "Sha La La" or presented me with mocha-chocolate Godiva truffles.

Sandra, though, that's my daughter all over. It seems like every day after work when she goes to Canoodler's on Park and 31st, she'll go home with the first reasonably polite guy who gives her the "big lonely city" line and buys her a Malibu Mojito. And the weekends are worse. I'm pretty sure her weakness for soft-spoken men with puppies has led to more than one Sunday-afternoon tryst with some cardigan-wearing Labrador-owner type from the Union Park dog run.

I know it's possible that I'm overreacting. I know that Sandra is in no way a bad person, and she's far from a stupid person—although sometimes I expect the bespectacled types she goes all mushy over haven't actually read the Dostoevsky they're carrying around when she invites them back to her place. Every generation thinks they invented sex, but if you ask me, Sandra, with her RandySandy75 profile on Nerve, is just carrying out an age-old practice in a contemporary fashion. I just wish she wouldn't go on so many dates with scruffy men between 28 and 35 who come into Maxwell's Fine Wines and make her laugh with a clever remark about her name tag or her job as French vintages buyer.

I know that, for Sandra, it's all part of being a young woman who can't resist candlelight, Thai food, and Bay Rhum aftershave. Believe me, she gets a lot of that from her mother, a wonderful and attractive woman with whom I'm still very close, and none of that is why we divorced and she moved to Unit 17 of the Park Tower Condominiums. But still, I wish Sandra would settle down with the quiet, studious type she claims to like. Instead, it's often just someone who likes to watch the same TV shows as her while using the treadmill next to her on the second floor of the Fitness Factory on Cooper Plaza Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

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