My Employees Of The Month

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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My Employees Of The Month

As an Onion reader, you know God-damned well that I did not rise to the position of Publisher by relying on you barely literate, gape-jawed Judases. Nor did I raise this news-paper to its present position as the finest in the Republic by leaning on the back-stabbing pack of boars that makes up my editorial staff. No, I did it with a special blend of low animal cunning, scandalous petticoats above the front-page fold, and the inherited millions that are my birth-right. T. Herman Zweibel needs no-one but him-self, and don't you forget it!

However, from time to time, certain rare individuals in my employ have been able to see beyond their worth-less lives and dedicated themselves to furthering my cause. By selflessly taking care of an arch-duke here and inventing a laxative that tastes like good black-strap molasses there, they have helped me immeasurably in achieving my own ends. To these brave souls is awarded the lofty title of T. Herman Zweibel Employee Of The Month.

Ah, to be chosen T. Herman Zweibel Employee Of The Month! Greater pride hath no man–save, of course, myself–than he who bears this lofty title. To him is given the fatted calf! To him is granted the cashier's cheque, drawn on the oldest bank in Zurich, for 15 American dollars! To him is given the Elysium of an afternoon in my second-best iron lung! To him is given the honor of having his name graven in quarter-inch letters upon a plaque of gilt-brass!

Though I cannot reveal to you undeserving rabble the entire T. Herman Zweibel Employee Of The Month roll-call, it will do no harm to name some of those who are beyond the reach of the Law. Read, and be awed by their names:

Adolf Krupp, designer of delightful artillery.

Professor-Doktor Klaus von Klimpt, manufactor of soothing liniments.

James Garfield, president of the Republic.

Seaman Second Class Colgrave, powder-man, U.S.S. Maine, and pipe-smoker.

Charles Guiteau, assassin of president James Garfield.

My Father's fat Polish laundress, for services rendered.

Standish, for decades of reasonably adequate steward-ship.

Thomas Edison, wizard and thaumaturge.

Heroes, one and all! Readers, take note: You are not fit to have such titans shit in your hats.


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