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My Employees Of The Month

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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My Employees Of The Month

As an Onion reader, you know God-damned well that I did not rise to the position of Publisher by relying on you barely literate, gape-jawed Judases. Nor did I raise this news-paper to its present position as the finest in the Republic by leaning on the back-stabbing pack of boars that makes up my editorial staff. No, I did it with a special blend of low animal cunning, scandalous petticoats above the front-page fold, and the inherited millions that are my birth-right. T. Herman Zweibel needs no-one but him-self, and don't you forget it!

However, from time to time, certain rare individuals in my employ have been able to see beyond their worth-less lives and dedicated themselves to furthering my cause. By selflessly taking care of an arch-duke here and inventing a laxative that tastes like good black-strap molasses there, they have helped me immeasurably in achieving my own ends. To these brave souls is awarded the lofty title of T. Herman Zweibel Employee Of The Month.

Ah, to be chosen T. Herman Zweibel Employee Of The Month! Greater pride hath no man–save, of course, myself–than he who bears this lofty title. To him is given the fatted calf! To him is granted the cashier's cheque, drawn on the oldest bank in Zurich, for 15 American dollars! To him is given the Elysium of an afternoon in my second-best iron lung! To him is given the honor of having his name graven in quarter-inch letters upon a plaque of gilt-brass!

Though I cannot reveal to you undeserving rabble the entire T. Herman Zweibel Employee Of The Month roll-call, it will do no harm to name some of those who are beyond the reach of the Law. Read, and be awed by their names:

Adolf Krupp, designer of delightful artillery.

Professor-Doktor Klaus von Klimpt, manufactor of soothing liniments.

James Garfield, president of the Republic.

Seaman Second Class Colgrave, powder-man, U.S.S. Maine, and pipe-smoker.

Charles Guiteau, assassin of president James Garfield.

My Father's fat Polish laundress, for services rendered.

Standish, for decades of reasonably adequate steward-ship.

Thomas Edison, wizard and thaumaturge.

Heroes, one and all! Readers, take note: You are not fit to have such titans shit in your hats.

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