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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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My Employees Of The Month

As an Onion reader, you know God-damned well that I did not rise to the position of Publisher by relying on you barely literate, gape-jawed Judases. Nor did I raise this news-paper to its present position as the finest in the Republic by leaning on the back-stabbing pack of boars that makes up my editorial staff. No, I did it with a special blend of low animal cunning, scandalous petticoats above the front-page fold, and the inherited millions that are my birth-right. T. Herman Zweibel needs no-one but him-self, and don't you forget it!

However, from time to time, certain rare individuals in my employ have been able to see beyond their worth-less lives and dedicated themselves to furthering my cause. By selflessly taking care of an arch-duke here and inventing a laxative that tastes like good black-strap molasses there, they have helped me immeasurably in achieving my own ends. To these brave souls is awarded the lofty title of T. Herman Zweibel Employee Of The Month.

Ah, to be chosen T. Herman Zweibel Employee Of The Month! Greater pride hath no man–save, of course, myself–than he who bears this lofty title. To him is given the fatted calf! To him is granted the cashier's cheque, drawn on the oldest bank in Zurich, for 15 American dollars! To him is given the Elysium of an afternoon in my second-best iron lung! To him is given the honor of having his name graven in quarter-inch letters upon a plaque of gilt-brass!

Though I cannot reveal to you undeserving rabble the entire T. Herman Zweibel Employee Of The Month roll-call, it will do no harm to name some of those who are beyond the reach of the Law. Read, and be awed by their names:

Adolf Krupp, designer of delightful artillery.

Professor-Doktor Klaus von Klimpt, manufactor of soothing liniments.

James Garfield, president of the Republic.

Seaman Second Class Colgrave, powder-man, U.S.S. Maine, and pipe-smoker.

Charles Guiteau, assassin of president James Garfield.

My Father's fat Polish laundress, for services rendered.

Standish, for decades of reasonably adequate steward-ship.

Thomas Edison, wizard and thaumaturge.

Heroes, one and all! Readers, take note: You are not fit to have such titans shit in your hats.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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