The following is my newest list of enemies and despised foes. A twice-annual tradition since 1918, the list serves to inform my nemeses of my low regard for them, and alerts the ordinary reader to clear a wide berth should he encounter one of them on the street. And if you are one of these fiends, take care, for I intend to destroy you, to crush you like a soft, fat caterpillar under the iron wheels of my wheel-chair. Consider this publicly known register a sporting chance for you to get your affairs in order before your inevitable demise. Cry foul if you wish, or believe you are an innocent victim of untoward enmity, but I will soon have my sweet revenge.
This year's list of enemies, in alphabetical order, is as follows:
Aagard, Timothy C., former business partner.
Balfour, Posonby H., former homo-sexual lover.
Black Scarlet, rogue highway-man and blood-thirsty adventurer.
Devlin, Curtis R., delinquent Onion subscriber.
Gummidge, P. Oliver, editor of The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet.
Harbaugh, Stella M., woman.
Hearst, William Randolph, rival publisher and cavorter with diseased chorus-girls.
Leman, Violet P., one-time Onion copy editor.
Li Ming, a Chinee-man and my rival for title of world's oldest human.
Nurse, my former care-giver who ran off with the villainous Black Scarlet.
The person who wrote "Yes! We Have No Bananas."
Porter, Ryan, immodest gad-about.
Puppetry of all kinds.
Taft, William H., U.S. President.
Tin, Mr., my former mechanical ro-bot nurse.
Vallee, Rudy, vulgar crooner of the wax-cylinders.
Uncle Sam, boastful symbol of the Republic.
Whig Party, The.
Zweibel, D. Manfred, illegitimate off-spring of my unfaithful late wife and the coal-hauler.