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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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My Enemies List

The following is my newest list of enemies and despised foes. A twice-annual tradition since 1918, the list serves to inform my nemeses of my low regard for them, and alerts the ordinary reader to clear a wide berth should he encounter one of them on the street. And if you are one of these fiends, take care, for I intend to destroy you, to crush you like a soft, fat caterpillar under the iron wheels of my wheel-chair. Consider this publicly known register a sporting chance for you to get your affairs in order before your inevitable demise. Cry foul if you wish, or believe you are an innocent victim of untoward enmity, but I will soon have my sweet revenge.

This year's list of enemies, in alphabetical order, is as follows:

Aagard, Timothy C., former business partner.
Balfour, Posonby H., former homo-sexual lover.
Black Scarlet, rogue highway-man and blood-thirsty adventurer.
Devlin, Curtis R., delinquent Onion subscriber.
Flemish, all.
Gummidge, P. Oliver, editor of The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet.
Harbaugh, Stella M., woman.
Hearst, William Randolph, rival publisher and cavorter with diseased chorus-girls.
Leman, Violet P., one-time Onion copy editor.
Li Ming, a Chinee-man and my rival for title of world's oldest human.
Nurse, my former care-giver who ran off with the villainous Black Scarlet.
The person who wrote "Yes! We Have No Bananas."
Porter, Ryan, immodest gad-about.
Puppetry of all kinds.
Spaniards, all.
Taft, William H., U.S. President.
Tin, Mr., my former mechanical ro-bot nurse.
Vallee, Rudy, vulgar crooner of the wax-cylinders.
Uncle Sam, boastful symbol of the Republic.
Whig Party, The.
Zweibel, D. Manfred, illegitimate off-spring of my unfaithful late wife and the coal-hauler.

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