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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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My Enemies List

The following is my newest list of enemies and despised foes. A twice-annual tradition since 1918, the list serves to inform my nemeses of my low regard for them, and alerts the ordinary reader to clear a wide berth should he encounter one of them on the street. And if you are one of these fiends, take care, for I intend to destroy you, to crush you like a soft, fat caterpillar under the iron wheels of my wheel-chair. Consider this publicly known register a sporting chance for you to get your affairs in order before your inevitable demise. Cry foul if you wish, or believe you are an innocent victim of untoward enmity, but I will soon have my sweet revenge.

This year's list of enemies, in alphabetical order, is as follows:

Aagard, Timothy C., former business partner.
Balfour, Posonby H., former homo-sexual lover.
Black Scarlet, rogue highway-man and blood-thirsty adventurer.
Devlin, Curtis R., delinquent Onion subscriber.
Flemish, all.
Gummidge, P. Oliver, editor of The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet.
Harbaugh, Stella M., woman.
Hearst, William Randolph, rival publisher and cavorter with diseased chorus-girls.
Leman, Violet P., one-time Onion copy editor.
Li Ming, a Chinee-man and my rival for title of world's oldest human.
Nurse, my former care-giver who ran off with the villainous Black Scarlet.
The person who wrote "Yes! We Have No Bananas."
Porter, Ryan, immodest gad-about.
Puppetry of all kinds.
Spaniards, all.
Taft, William H., U.S. President.
Tin, Mr., my former mechanical ro-bot nurse.
Vallee, Rudy, vulgar crooner of the wax-cylinders.
Uncle Sam, boastful symbol of the Republic.
Whig Party, The.
Zweibel, D. Manfred, illegitimate off-spring of my unfaithful late wife and the coal-hauler.

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