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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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My Enemies List

The following is my newest list of enemies and despised foes. A twice-annual tradition since 1918, the list serves to inform my nemeses of my low regard for them, and alerts the ordinary reader to clear a wide berth should he encounter one of them on the street. And if you are one of these fiends, take care, for I intend to destroy you, to crush you like a soft, fat caterpillar under the iron wheels of my wheel-chair. Consider this publicly known register a sporting chance for you to get your affairs in order before your inevitable demise. Cry foul if you wish, or believe you are an innocent victim of untoward enmity, but I will soon have my sweet revenge.

This year's list of enemies, in alphabetical order, is as follows:

Aagard, Timothy C., former business partner.
Balfour, Posonby H., former homo-sexual lover.
Black Scarlet, rogue highway-man and blood-thirsty adventurer.
Devlin, Curtis R., delinquent Onion subscriber.
Flemish, all.
Gummidge, P. Oliver, editor of The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet.
Harbaugh, Stella M., woman.
Hearst, William Randolph, rival publisher and cavorter with diseased chorus-girls.
Leman, Violet P., one-time Onion copy editor.
Li Ming, a Chinee-man and my rival for title of world's oldest human.
Nurse, my former care-giver who ran off with the villainous Black Scarlet.
The person who wrote "Yes! We Have No Bananas."
Porter, Ryan, immodest gad-about.
Puppetry of all kinds.
Spaniards, all.
Taft, William H., U.S. President.
Tin, Mr., my former mechanical ro-bot nurse.
Vallee, Rudy, vulgar crooner of the wax-cylinders.
Uncle Sam, boastful symbol of the Republic.
Whig Party, The.
Zweibel, D. Manfred, illegitimate off-spring of my unfaithful late wife and the coal-hauler.

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