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Travel

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Historians Piece Together Carnival East India Company’s First Cruise In 1605

LONDON—Working from recently discovered ships’ logs and archaeological findings, a team of historians announced Monday they had pieced together a detailed account of the Carnival East India Company’s maiden cruise—the very first seafaring journey to the Far East dedicated solely to the enjoyment and entertainment of its passengers.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Keeping Your Possessions Safe While Traveling

Traveling during the summer can be fun and exhilarating, but nothing ruins a trip like getting your possessions stolen. Whether you’re hiking, road-tripping, or relaxing at a resort, here are some tips for making sure your items are safe during your travels:

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Spring Break Safety Tips

Spring break is an opportunity for many college students to travel, party, and make memories with their friends, but it can also lead to problems if people aren’t careful.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Florida Resort Allows Guests To Swim With Miami Dolphins

MIAMI—Describing it as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get up close to the majestic mammals, visitors to Paradise Cove Resort raved to reporters Thursday about the hotel’s new program that allows guests to swim with the Miami Dolphins.

Humble Ascetic Declines In-Flight Beverage Service

NEW YORK—Choosing to fast in an apparent attempt to reach an elevated plane of existence, humble ascetic Jonathan Weaver declined the complimentary snack and beverage service during his flight from New York to Atlanta, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Last-Minute Holiday Travel Tips

Whether you’re rerouting canceled flights or changing destinations on the fly, nothing can be more stressful during the holidays than making travel arrangements at the last minute.

New National Park Caters To Business Travelers

PAICINES, CA—Hoping to encourage more busy professionals to visit America’s scenic natural areas, the Department of Interior announced this week the opening of Pinnacles National Park Express, the first federally designated preserve geared spe...

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Busch Gardens Unveils New 9,600-Mile-Long Endurance Coaster

TAMPA, FL—Marking a bold new direction in amusement ride innovation, representatives from Busch Gardens officially opened a 9,600-mile-long mega-coaster Thursday designed to push the limits of human endurance. According to park officials, the Stamin...

Dad Clarifies This Not A Food Stop

DENTON, TX—Stressing that they were there solely to purchase gasoline and use the bathroom if necessary, area dad Mike Whitcomb clarified while pulling into a travel plaza Thursday that this was not a food stop.

Planning The Perfect Road Trip

With summer fast approaching, many people are planning long car trips to visit tourist attractions, see old friends, or simply hit the open road.

Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents

PINE BLUFF, AR—Telling their son he should take it easy because he deserves it, the parents of 26-year-old Austin, TX resident Jason Gibney referred to the time he spent visiting his family in Arkansas over the Easter weekend as a vacation, househol...

Pilot Tells Passengers He’s About To Try Something

SAN FRANCISCO—Midway through American Airlines flight 1544’s journey from San Francisco to Dallas Monday, pilot Mark Dams asked passengers to please remain seated and fasten their seat belts for a minute while he tries something real quick.

The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples. Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the goo...
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Travel

My Friend, You Will Love This Narrow Moroccan Alley

Excuse me, but I noticed that you were looking at a carpet a moment ago. You were wise to walk away from that one. I have carpets of much finer quality! You see how this alley curves into the distance? There, my friend, far from all the noise and light, you will find the finest woven goods in all of North Africa, and other wonders that cannot be counted in 10 lifetimes. Please, please, follow me, and I will show you!

But you hesitate. Perhaps you are waiting for your companion? No? No one at all? I knew this. I could tell by your Boise State University T-shirt that you are an educated man who knows it is truly best to visit my country alone. That is how you get to see the real Morocco, the one you cannot find in any guidebook.

Do you smell that, my friend? Deep in this alley there is a very sudden turn into the shadows where you will find the most delicious mechoui in the world, as well as hand-painted zouak tables of unmatched perfection. But on your own you will never find these things, or find the new friends I will introduce you to. They are shy among most visitors, but the moment they see I have brought you, they will all rush out at once with greetings! Do not be alarmed by their traditional swarming embrace.

Oh, the memories we all will share! Please, I can take you to my alley now.

Ah, you are nervous then? It is understandable. But much has changed in Morocco, I can assure you. Our crime rate puts Algeria's to shame, and anyone in Morocco will tell you that there is no less dangerous place in the country than Marrakech's maze of unmarked alleys. And of all those alleys, the one I will show you is by far the most secure and peaceful. Have you grown weary of haggling with merchants in the marketplace? I promise you, in my alley, there will be no haggling.

Not only that, my friend, but this special alley is also a path through time. It can be traced directly to the Almohad Dynasty, and it is said that every curve and blind spot was designed by the great caliph Ab Yusuf Yaqub al-Mansur himself. Truly, when you walk through this alley, you leave footprints in the dust of kings. Footprints made with the latest and most expensive American running shoes.

And if I may share something that is personal: My family has tended this alley for five generations. As a child, I counted its walls among my very best friends. At night, far from the distant streetlamps, I would look up and gaze at the stars between the rooftops. That is truly an unforgettable sight. Perhaps you will return to my alley later when it is dark and behold this with your own eyes.

But a word of warning, my friend. As safe as my country is—and my alley, most especially—I urge you not to contact the police in the unlikely event you find yourself in any danger. Even the smallest child knows that if he ever walks into an ambush, he should never tell his friends, family, or embassy, and especially not the dreaded police. I do not want to think of what these jackals would do to an American such as yourself.

Boise State is an American school, correct? Not Canadian? Excellent!

Come, come! I have talked long enough, and you must be so hot out here. We will go to my alley, where it is cool and there is safety and delight without end. And do not worry about finding your way out. When you are ready to leave, I will bring you back, and you will have many unforgettable stories to share.

But who knows, my friend? You might end up staying in my alley longer than you think. I meet such people all the time.

Travel

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