My Funerary Revisions

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Vol 36 Issue 16

Clinton Consults Surgeon General On Behalf Of Friend Curious About Homosexuality

WASHINGTON, DC–President Clinton spent several hours behind closed doors Monday with Surgeon General David Satcher on behalf of an unidentified friend who is curious about homosexuality. "As a favor, this friend of mine asked me to ask the Surgeon General a few questions," Clinton said. "This person said he's had some funny new feelings lately, feelings he doesn't feel comfortable talking about, so he was hoping I could ask for him." Clinton said Satcher assured him that the feelings his friend is having are "completely natural."

Pizza Hut Employee Still Hanging Around After Shift

DYERSBURG, TN–Pizza Hut employee Larry Peete, 24, continued to hang around the restaurant for nearly an hour after his shift ended Monday. "He was just hovering around the lobby, making small talk with me and Jeff," said coworker Debbie Rust, who was operating the front register at the time. "Then he wandered over to the prep area and started talking to Duane. I was like, 'Why are you still here, Larry? Your shift is over.'"

Area Man Has Own Version Of Neighborhood-Watch Program

ATTLEBORO, MA–Fred Parisi has his own version of a neighborhood-watch program, the 53-year-old Attleboro resident reported Tuesday. "I try to keep a close eye on things," said the concerned citizen, who canvasses his neighborhood nightly. "I especially try to look out for those individuals most vulnerable to attackers, like young women. You wouldn't believe how easy it is for some sicko to spot a girl who's home all alone." Parisi said he recently began compiling a photo archive of local residents "for security purposes."

Sports Section Tragically Missing

HAMILTON, OH–According to bathroom-bound Carlson & Streed Advertising executive Geoff Kimble, the sports section of Monday's Cincinnati Post is tragically missing. "Where is it? I just saw it here a couple of minutes ago," said Kimble, 31, combing through the various newspaper sections scattered across the Carlson & Streed reception desk. "Everything is here but sports. Did somebody take it to their desk and not return it? Shit." A devastated Kimble eventually took the Home & Living section to the first-floor men's room.

Vermont OKs Gay Marriage

Last week, Vermont became the first state to legally recognize same-sex marriages. What do you think about this historic legislation?

This New Toilet Paper Is So Soft And Absorbent!

You probably won't believe me when I tell you that new Cushy-brand bathroom tissue is the softest, most absorbent bathroom tissue you'll ever try. Heck, I was skeptical at first, too! Even after learning about Cushy'sspecially quilted "Moistu-Weave" inlay, I still thought, "Come on! How much better could one bathroom tissue be than another?" But once you've felt for yourself the heavenly sensation of a folded-up wad of Cushy sliding across your excrement-smeared anus, you're sure to agree: Cushy is the most luxurious tissue you'll ever wipe your ass with!

Oh, My God—The Baby!

One year ago today, after years of trying, my husband Michael and I finally became parents of a beautiful, precious baby girl. A baby was what we wanted more than anything in the whole world, and the agony of not being able to conceive was more than we could bear. It threatened to destroy our marriage. But through perseverance, prayer, and a highly experimental drug developed by a maverick physician named Dr. Shapiro who dared to defy the medical establishment with his radical theories, I became pregnant with the little girl who would become my jewel, my treasure, my everything... little Alexis.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

My Funerary Revisions

When a gentle-man reaches a certain age, he realizes that he must make preparations for the day he will finally pass from this world. For myself, that age was 66. Since I am now 132, I thought it only proper that I review my funeral arrangements, amending them if necessary. With this in mind, I sent for Beavers, my solicitor, thinking that and he and I could plan the required ceremony in a short hour or so.

Alas, it took some doing! It was not as simple as crossing out "horse" and writing in "auto-mobile carriage." After all, what sense does it make to have my favorite auto-mobile carriages stuffed, mounted, and buried in an antechamber of my golden ziggurat? I do not like auto-mobile carriages, let alone have a favorite! We were forced to cross out "auto-mobile carriage" and write in "Man-Servant Standish."

But that was far from the only change. The 21-gun salute over my grave had to be left out of my revised interrment-plan, as my standing army was dissolved by an act of Congress in 1911. This, naturally, rules out having all 21 Onion editors strapped across the bores of the cannons when they are fired. There will be no sulfurous cascades of bureaucrat flesh above my family-plot to mark the day of my passing. I will be the first Zweibel to ascend to my reward without one! My ancestors would be spinning in their graves, if only any of them gave half a thin shit for me.

Speaking of the Zweibel family plot, what gives the Republic the right to seize that sacred ground, gift it to a clan of itinerant syrup-merchants, and give it a cheap, carnival-prize name like "New Hampshire"? Back taxes, my brass fundament! They'd best give it back and quick, or I'll spill my list of 173 known homo-sexuals in Harding's cabinet!

Fortunately, the body of the ceremony is unchanged. I am still planning to lay in state on the floor of Congress for 30 days before being sent to the embalmer; I shall still be sealed in a great casket smelted from all the gold in the Western Hemisphere; and the Earth shall most definitely shake and be rent asunder when I am finally sealed in my tomb. Great underground reservoirs of blasting-powder have been secreted beneath each of the 44 states to accomplish this.

Having a son does put one in touch with what is truly important. N. Aeschylus was so moved by my funeral-planning that he is at this very instant digging a grave for me in the mansion court-yard. Precocious lad!

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