My Goal Is To Someday Be A Realtor

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Vol 33 Issue 13

Woman Injured In Hostile Makeover

NEW YORK—Area resident Janice Milner is in stable condition following a hostile makeover Monday. According to witnesses, Milner was looking at mascara at the Elizabeth Arden cosmetics counter at Macy's when several salespeople violently descended upon her, brutally applying thick coats of rouge and eye shadow until she fell unconscious. "It was horrible," witness Stacie Hull said. "They had her in autumn colors, and she was obviously a winter."

Congress Raises Killing Age To 19

WASHINGTON, DC—Making good on a promise to curb juvenile crime, Congress passed legislation Monday making it illegal for anyone under 19 to commit murder. "If you kill someone, your parents will be notified, and you may even spend time in jail," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Previously, murderers as young as 14, depending on state of residence, were considered to be acting within the law. President Clinton approved the bill, though he had recently threatened to veto it if youths between 16 and 19 were not granted certain killing privileges with parental consent.

Madcap Romp Escalates Into Zany Hijinks

WALLINGBROOK, VT—A madcap romp involving a string of zany shenanigans escalated into full-blown hijinks Saturday at Croydon Preparatory Academy, an exclusive private school in Wallingbrook. "These nutty kids are driving the board of directors absolutely bonkers with their wild antics," said school headmaster Charles Croydon III. "I don't know which is screwier, the loonball goof-ups or the cornball japery." Paramount Pictures has paid $3.4 million for movie rights to the story of the students' over-the-top hijinks, which the studio plans to turn into an outrageous send-up, expected in theaters in late 1999.

Psychic Phone Service Devastates Competition By Only Hiring The Best Psychics

LOS ANGELES—Psychic phone services across the nation are declaring bankruptcy as a result of the Caring Psychic Souls Service's recent announcement that it hires only the best master psychics. "Only the Caring Psychic Souls Service can offer you readings from the very best psychics in the world today," said Dana Plato, celebrity spokesperson for the service. "We are ruined," said Psychic Encounters spokesperson Nichelle Nichols. "I suppose, in retrospect, we devoted too much energy to infomercials and not enough to the development of a rigorous screening process by which we would guarantee ourselves the absolute top psychics. Now we are paying for it."

New, Improved Olean 30 Percent Less Likely To Make You Shit In Your Pants

CINCINNATI—Procter & Gamble, manufacturer of the breakthrough fat-free cooking oil Olean, unveiled a new, improved version of the product Monday, one that is reportedly 30 percent less likely to cause explosive pants-shitting. "Good news, calorie counters—Olean just got even better," Procter & Gamble spokesman Phillip Hearn said. "Now, even fewer people who eat Lay's-brand Wow! potato chips will experience violent, bowel-shattering defecation and uncontrollable spewing of high-pressure jets of frothy, liquid feces." Hearn said Olean users can still expect to vomit rivers of blood at ten-minute intervals for six months following use.

Get Smooved

Girl, if there is any doubt in your mind as to what time it is, let me break it down for you: It is time for you to get Smooved.

Hippocratic Oath 'Under Review' By HMO Board

INDIANAPOLIS—In a development bioethicists and health-care industry professionals are watching closely, the board of directors of Indiana HMO PhysCare-Plus, one of the largest and most powerful HMOs in the nation, announced Monday that the Hippocratic Oath is currently "under review."

Why Can't I Have A Mistress Too?

I have often been asked if I regret anything about my life. The answer is no! If I were to do it over again, I'd do it all the same! After all, it was I who transformed The Onion from an obscure frontier news-paper with a reader-ship composed mainly of Mennonites to a bustling daily with a readership of millions. And I'll be damned if I ever apologize for taking the life of Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge!
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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My Goal Is To Someday Be A Realtor

My goal is to someday become a Realtor, and, come heck or high water, I'm going to do it! I've always wanted a career, and, now that the kids are finally old enough not to need me around the house all the time, I'm determined to go for it. As my best girlfriend Patricia who sells Amway told me, there's no better time than the present!

Looking through The Danville Bugle-Post's Sunday Home & Life section this week, I noticed all sorts of women Realtors, and they all looked so happy and confident in their blazers embossed with their company logo. I'd love to have a prestigious-looking blazer like that. Why, if I wore one of those blazers to my church women's circle meeting "by accident," Edith and Sandy would be just green with envy! I cannot wait for the day I get to walk up to those two and hand them business cards with my name on it. The look on their faces will be priceless!

I read in a McCall's article that, to make my dream a reality, I'll have to go to classes for a few months and get my Realtor's license. There's a nice, fancy-looking technical school I always pass on my way to Centrepoint Mall that I'll bet has a good night program. And, if I go to class at night, I can continue working my 16 hours a week at Karen's Crafts. Who says you can't have it all?

I've tried unsuccessfully to have a career before, but this time, I'm determined to do it. It will be completely different from the time I paid $180 to earn an accounting degree by mail. It's too bad that course was so hard, because I was pretty good at math back in junior high, and I was really looking forward to working in an office where I'd have my own telephone and a desk where I could put pictures and plants. I guess I just didn't realize how complicated all those columns of numbers can get.

For a while after that, I considered switching to a secretarial program, but that just wouldn't do: It's always been my dream to be a professional!

And not only is real estate an important, professional field that will earn me the respect of others, it's also one that incorporates my interests. I like to help people, and I've always loved looking at people's homes. Sometimes, I drive around that new part of town behind the Piggly Wiggly just to see if any more of those houses went up with the giant windows and those big things that stick out over the garages.

I must admit, though: It isn't only for the love of the job and the prestige that I've decided to become a Realtor. There's a lot of money to be made, too. I have a cousin in Tempe who's in real estate, and he and his wife have an in-ground swimming pool and three cars! As soon as I get my first paycheck, the first thing I'm going to do is finally get rid of that gosh-awful paneling in the basement. Goodbye, faux wood!

Another nice thing is, with a Realtor's license, I'll eventually be able to go into business for myself and set my own hours. There's no limit to what I'll be able to accomplish once I'm my own boss! Maybe during the winter I'll go to some of those Realtor conventions down in Florida. I'm definitely going to work a whole lot during the cold months so that, in the summer, I can go on vacation or just take a few months off to just relax. I'm so glad I decided to become a Realtor!

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