My Hot Dog Cart Is Undermanned

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Vol 30 Issue 04

U.S. Consumers Demand Wider Selection

WASHINGTON, DC—Dissatisfied with their current range of choices, American consumers banded together Sunday to demand a wider selection of merchandise from the nation's retailers. "The current so-called 'selection' is deplorable," said group spokesperson and educated shopper Georgette Hughes. "Most things you buy, there's barely more than 20 varieties. When I go to an electronics chain, I want to see several hundred VCRs from which to choose. When I'm shopping for kitty litter, I want a thousand. This is bullshit." Hughes is calling for a mass boycott of all U.S. stores, with the exception of Home Depot and Wal-Mart.

Erik Estrada Big In Mexico

LOS ANGELES—According to word out of Hollywood, former CHIPs star and '70s sex symbol Erik Estrada is reportedly big in Mexico. "Yeah, Erik Estrada. Sure, I remember him—supposedly he's real big in Mexico now," said Ron Wolfstein, partner in the prominent talent agency of Wolfstein, Miller and Diamond. "I think I heard something about him being on whatever the big soap opera is down there. I forget what it's called—something like Siempre Amor, or Siempro de Todo? I'm not sure." Added Wolfstein: "Actually, forget it—I think I'm thinking of that guy from Dukes of Hazzard."

'Perfect' Birthday Card Discovered In Local Mall

SCHAUMBURG, IL—After a nearly hour-long search, which included visits to some five stationery stores, local resident Doris Kessler finally found the perfect birthday card for a friend yesterday at Woodfield Mall. "This is just perfect for Kate!" said Kessler, 47, holding the card she selected for friend and co-worker Kate Adler. The card read, "So you're 39... Again!" Said Kessler, "I love to kid Kate about her age—she'll never admit how old she is!" Kessler plans to present the card to Adler at work Thursday, along with a humorous "Over the Hill" mylar balloon. "She's just going to die when she sees that!" Kessler said.

Kremlin Reports Yeltsin In Good Health Following Burial

MOSCOW—In an effort to quell the many rumors circulating regarding the Russian president's physical condition, Kremlin officials reassured the public yesterday that Boris Yeltsin is in good health following his burial. "Mr. Yeltsin is in fine shape, strong as a Russian bear," Kremlin information director Vladimir Chernovsky said, standing near Yeltsin's grave. "In fact, just before dying, Mr. Yeltsin took a long swim in the icy waters of the Volga River, barely tiring at all." To prove his point, Chernovsky removed the six feet of dirt covering Yeltsin, pointing out his healthy skin tone, hearty frame and barely eaten eyeballs.

I'm Leaving My Fortune to That Lad On the Wireless Radio

Did you know I was once Governor of our fair state? Yes, from 1914 to 1920. I was known as the "Strip-Mining Governor" for my historic ceding of over 27 million square acres of state-owned land to the boron mining interests. Unfortunately, not a trace of boron was found, thousands of farmers and miners starved to death, and I was voted out of office after only one term. Damn those fickle voter bastards!

I've Got a Serious Case of Election Fever!

Item! It's political mania out there, and yours truly has been in the thick of it! Now, I know I shouldn't do politics, but this year has been so spectacular that I had to put in my two cents worth.
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Spring

My Hot Dog Cart Is Undermanned

All the time, I catch people bellyachin' about the economy and how they're having trouble finding a job. Well you can bet I give them an earful, and how! "If there's so much trouble out there finding a job," I say, "then how come I can't find no one to work my hot dog cart?"

See, let me explain. Things were going fine up until five or six months ago. Before that, it was just me and Sal. That's short for salami. Nah, I'm just yankin' your chain. It's really short for Salvatore. I tell that joke to everybody when I first meet them. So anyway, Sal, my own brother, comes up to me, it musta been November, and says he wants out.

I was dumbfounded! As near as I can figure, it must have been that brush with those hoods. See, this one time, I left the cart to go to the little boy's room. Those punks knew not to mess with old Charley! But Sal, he had a soft spot. He likes kids. He and Julie are trying to get some of their own, but there's a small problem—not enough soldiers to go ashore, if you catch my drift. I think that's because he smoked Mary Jane when he went to that two-year college, and that messed with his chromosomes. It's all genes these days. But I'm losing my story.

So anyway, I go to take a leak and these punks, they come up and start rocking the cart back and forth with Sal still in it. He gets some hot water spilled on his chest and legs and in between. So when I get back, there's all these kids around the cart picking up straws and pickles, and Sal's hollerin' up a storm. What a mess!

That brings us to now. The other day I'm leaning over the ice chest to get a Grape Fanta. The damned lid closes on my neck and it locks up on one side. I'm sitting with my head in the ice chest, and I can't reach the darn lock. Not only that, but the door to the cart was locked from the inside so no one could get in that way!

Fortunately, my brother Sal stopped by to see how it was going, and he climbed through the window to let me out. Besides that, business has been pretty good since I started wearing lederhosen and selling hot pretzels.

I got a little money stored away, so I'm thinking about buying a Sno-Cone machine. Only I can't, because if I ever turn around to make a Sno-Cone, that's when I got people taking extra condiments! Now, you may think, "What's a pickle to Charley? He's not going to miss one little pickle!" But then it don't stop just there. I got people taking straws, napkins. I go crazy trying to keep them stocked!

So this guy comes up to me the other day, real good customer, always got two dogs with heavy relish. Good kid, but not so top-heavy. He says he's interested in the job, and would I hire him? I say sure— here's an apron! Then he asks what he gets for benefits. I say all the hot dogs he can eat. Now are you going to put on the apron or are you just going to look at it maybe?

So he's standing there looking at it. I say, "Hey, these dogs ain't gettin' any hotter!" He's looking deep in thought, but maybe the conductor on his train of thought needs a shave. Then he says he's not interested after all, and he leaves. I haven't seen him since then. Maybe then he's not so dumb, 'cause I'll smack him if I see him again!

So that's why I need a new guy! If you want a job I'll give you a job, if you're careful and on time. And stay away if you're a smart aleck! If there's one thing I hate, it's a smart aleck!

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