My Hot, Horny Housewife Has Been Spending An Awful Lot Of Time On The Phone Lately

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Family

The First Years

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

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YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

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Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...

Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

They’re In A Fight Or Something

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend...

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...
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Family

The First Years

My Hot, Horny Housewife Has Been Spending An Awful Lot Of Time On The Phone Lately

First off, let me just say that I'm not usually the jealous type. I have a wonderful marriage that's fulfilling in every way, so I have little reason to complain. It's just that, for some reason, I can't shake the feeling that June, my beloved hot, horny housewife of 21 years, has been spending an awful lot of time on the phone lately.

I almost hesitate to bring all of this up. After all, the last thing I want is to come off sounding like one of those boring, middle-aged husbands who become paranoid that their undersexed housewives, being the cum-crazed slurp-sluts that they are, may be seeking affection elsewhere.

I like to think I'm a trusting husband, one who doesn't get all suspicious about my dripping, fuckable wife's outside hobbies or interests. Obviously, in a mature relationship, partners need to give their dirty little spouses plenty of room to grow and explore on their own. But, lately, when I see her disappear into the bedroom at three in the afternoon clutching the cordless dildo-phone and wearing stiletto heels, a see-through lacy lingerie ensemble, and crotchless peek-a-boo panties, I can't help but wonder if something is going on.

I suppose she could be talking to her sister Linda. But would Linda really need to hear June describe her outfit in such lascivious detail? One time, I asked June about it, and she said she was just talking to the electric-company people about our utilities bill. But would the electric company need to know that she was on all fours, bucking like a bronco while working a six-inch buttplug in and out of her quivering, spasming asshole? I guess there's no reason for her not to tell them, but, still, it didn't seem all that relevant. At least for the purposes of that conversation, anyway.

Again, let me stress that I'm a very open-minded person: When the shaved Asian sluts moved in next door, lots of people in the neighborhood worried about property values going down. But at that month's homeowners-association meeting, I stood up and said, "Look, I don't care if they're Asian or any other ethnicity, what's important is that they're shaved sluts, just like the rest of us." The way I look at it, God made all of us–whether soaked, slippery sex-sirens or hard, horny man-meat–from the same rubberized latex cloth.

My wife and I get along just fine with the double-fucking hot black studs who live down the block, and we've even attended some of their no-holes-barred hot-tub parties. But now that I think about it, there have been some odd moments. The last time we attended one of their all-anal fuckfests–I love neighborhood get-togethers, because they give me an excuse to whip up a pot of my famous Five-Alarm chili!–I was standing in the living room admiring their drapes when I suddenly realized that everybody else had disappeared into the Jungle Room for what seemed like a pretty long time. My wife didn't reappear for at least 40 minutes!

Then there was that trip to San Diego last summer, when we met those 15 exotic international stewardesses and that boatload of gang-bang sailors on the beach. A young, friendly bi-curious lifeguard had invited them on a sailboat trip to a deserted beach he knew about, and he was nice enough to ask if we wanted to come along. My corns were acting up that day, so I politely declined and headed back to the hotel, but my wife decided to go. I didn't mind, but then she yammered about it on the phone for the rest of the trip! It was nothing but boatload of sailors this, giant human pyramid of stewardesses that. Could this marriage be in trouble?

My family is very important to me. I dearly love my two barely legal virgin bikini twins. (The day they won the wet-T-shirt tag-team mudwrestling championship was one of the proudest a father could have.) And our eldest son Sergio has grown up to be a fine young super-hung lawyer who believes in uncompromising discipline, both in and out of the courtroom, so I feel safe in saying that my wife and I raised our children right.

Yet every time I hear my cock-craving housewife grinding away on her "King Dong" maximum-width double-dildo while supposedly putting in the weekly order at the grocers, my suspicions grow. Maybe it's my fault: I'm a dedicated career man who may be spending too much time down at the cock-ring and novelty-penis-enlargement-device factory to give her the attention she needs. I don't mean to neglect her hot pussy and enormous, eager tits, but, hey, as the office joke goes, somebody's got to make the 14-inch miracle horse cocks. But perhaps all the lonely hours she's spent waiting for someone, anyone to fill her juicy cunt lips with a steaming-hot load of jizz-juice have taken their toll, causing her to rethink certain aspects of our relationship.

Maybe I'm just being silly. After all, we've had a great marriage, built on a bedrock foundation of friendship, trust, and carnal forbidden lust of the most depraved sort. And even though things aren't quite as spicy on the romance front as they once were, I still make time to shoot a huge load of dripping hot cum all over her face whenever we can manage a special night of "quality time" away from work and the kids.

But, still, I don't know. I'm probably being paranoid, but I just can't figure what she's doing on the phone for so long every day. I swear, if I had $3.99 for every minute I've spent worrying about this, I'd be a rich man!

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