My Kids Are Learning How To Drive…Me Up The Wall!

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After Birth

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

My Kids Are Learning How To Drive…Me Up The Wall!

Honk! Honk! Pull over, loyal readers. Pull way over. Keep going. More. To tell you the truth, you better clear the road completely. My twin daughters are learning how to drive!

Hiya, folks! Roger "White Knuckle" Dudek here (and in one piece…for now), barreling toward you with yet another hilarious column. So buckle up, check your mirrors…and throw your car keys down a storm drain before my twins can get ahold of them! You heard me, friends, the Dynamic Daughter Duo is learning how to drive. (Editor's note: Drive a car. Not me—crazy. They've been doing that for years!) In a few weeks, the girls will turn 16, and let me tell you, there's nothing sweet about it. Already they're dating boys, breaking curfew, and spending too much time with some hot rod who promises to take them far, far away from here…

My car.

Turns out I do hold the key to a woman's heart…only it fits in the ignition of a 2007 Corolla! Ever since the girls got their permits, I see my car less than Stevie Wonder sees Ray Charles—which is never! I can't tell if I'm a good father or the victim of grand theft auto. All I know is my keys are always gone and my fuel tank's emptier than Calista Flockhart's dinner plate! (Ally MissMeals, more like it.)

Somebody give me a break. Literally! Stop driving my car.

And who do you suppose pays to fill the tank again? I'll give you one gas. Me. The guy riding his bike to the bankruptcy office while our checking account shifts into reverse. Dude, where's my salary? I need a bailout for this fuel economy. Three dollars a gallon? They should start selling it by the limb. MPG? More like RIP. Because these gas prices are going to kill me!

When I'm Audi money and can't a-Ford the gas, my twins whine and Saab and throw a Fiat. "Dad, you're so Jeep (cheap). You never Lexus go anywhere!" they say. And I reply, "Girls, Hyundai you'll understand. Maybe when you have Kias of your own." And when that doesn't work, I just Dodge them and hide my wallet! Please, ladies, show a little Mercedes (mercy). Holy Toyota. Camry all just get along?

But seriously, folks. The law says my daughters are old enough to drive, so someone's gotta teach them. My wife Rosemary sug­gested me, my girls suggested their soccer coach, and I suggested we repeal the law! Is it just me, or does 16 seem a little young to be legally allowed to murder your father? I'm telling you, I haven't wanted a law overturned this badly since my high school banned whoopee cushions. Driver's license? More like license to kill…my insurance rates! Oh, my aching premiums. Hey, President Obama! If you want my daughters to drive so bad, how about you let them take your car? Now there's a change I can believe in!

Hey, wait a minute. What does Congress know about driving, anyway? They've been idling in neutral for years.

Rosemary said teaching the girls to drive would be a good way to bond, and she was right. I took them out one time and did a whole lot of bonding…mostly with the emergency brake! Folks, I was holding on to that thing like it was the last life vest on the Ti­tanic. The car went two blocks, took a right, and I left. I saw my chance and made a dash(board) for it! Turns out the only speed I'm comfortable with my girls driving is park.

Check, please! No, seriously, check your blind spot, please. We almost hit a Buick!

Thankfully, Coach Toettcher had the fuzzy dice necessary to fill my (driving) shoes. Just when I was exhaust-ed! Within a few days, he made everyone's mood do a U-turn, took my wife out for coffee, and showed the twins how to merge on the freeway. Did a wheel-y good job, too. Now Rosemary's humming like she just got a tune-up, and the girls are steering clear of me!

And how about traffic these days? I can't tell if there are more cars or the road's getting smaller! I'm telling you, I've been in more jams than a judge at the State Fair. My morning commute moves slower than a comb across Robin Williams' back. Yesterday on the highway, I watched a Mustang turn into glue. I haven't crawled like that since I was a baby. My odometer has started counting in inches!

Folks, I kid, but my family is a Rolls Royce. Because no matter how late I get home, I know my wife and two loving daughters will be waiting for me at the door…so they can use my car! Here we go again! (Or rather, my car goes, and I stay here!) Once again, those three are carpooling to Coach's house, and I'm beached at home. Oh well. What do I need with some two-ton burden that burns through my money, requires a lot of maintenance, and refuses to work when it's too cold?

I've already got a mother-in-law!

Drive safe, gang!

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