My Latest New Nurse

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

My Latest New Nurse

Ever since my treacherous ro-bot nurse Mr. Tin fled the estate for parts unknown, my bed-chamber has borne witness to a series of incompetents and charlatans, each a disgrace to the nursing profession. One actually tried to suckle me, as though I were a babe-in-arms, and another would scream in horror after laying eyes upon me and race from the room. Yet another, worst of all, thought the all-purpose cure for my ailments was to immerse me in a tank filled with rubbing alcohol. This only agitated my chronic hemorrhoid condition to the point where my rectum felt like a blast furnace. The nurse was promptly dismissed.

I told my physician, Doc McGillicuddy, of my woes finding a new nurse. Doc replied that I was going through the improper channels. "A man of your highly advanced age and delicate health requires a learned specialist to look after him, not a mere nurse-maid with minimal training," he said. Doc added that he would make it his personal responsibility to find me a proper care-taker.

A few days later, Standish entered my bed-chamber and announced that Doc was here with a suitable find for me. In walked Doc with an eight-foot-tall tattooed pin-head dressed in a nurse's uniform. My sphincter gave away. "What is the meaning of this outrage?" I screamed. "McGillicuddy, have you taken leave of your senses?"

Doc responded that this leviathan was the type of specialist he had in mind. She was from one of the Balkan provinces and had years of experience as a care-taker of circus freaks and assorted medical oddities. "She may do if I were Lobster-Boy," I barked, "but I am an elderly, incontinent billionaire!"

My protests came to naught. McGillicuddy left me at the mercy of this hideous creature. Having been in her care for several weeks now, however, I must admit that her skills as a nurse are no worse than Mr. Tin's: She wipes front to back, scrupulously boils the rectal thermometer, and never forgets to remove the tongue depressor from my mouth. I suppose things could be worse, but I despair I will never find my ideal nurse—a woman with enormous mammaries and designs on my fortune.