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My Latest New Nurse

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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My Latest New Nurse

Ever since my treacherous ro-bot nurse Mr. Tin fled the estate for parts unknown, my bed-chamber has borne witness to a series of incompetents and charlatans, each a disgrace to the nursing profession. One actually tried to suckle me, as though I were a babe-in-arms, and another would scream in horror after laying eyes upon me and race from the room. Yet another, worst of all, thought the all-purpose cure for my ailments was to immerse me in a tank filled with rubbing alcohol. This only agitated my chronic hemorrhoid condition to the point where my rectum felt like a blast furnace. The nurse was promptly dismissed.

I told my physician, Doc McGillicuddy, of my woes finding a new nurse. Doc replied that I was going through the improper channels. "A man of your highly advanced age and delicate health requires a learned specialist to look after him, not a mere nurse-maid with minimal training," he said. Doc added that he would make it his personal responsibility to find me a proper care-taker.

A few days later, Standish entered my bed-chamber and announced that Doc was here with a suitable find for me. In walked Doc with an eight-foot-tall tattooed pin-head dressed in a nurse's uniform. My sphincter gave away. "What is the meaning of this outrage?" I screamed. "McGillicuddy, have you taken leave of your senses?"

Doc responded that this leviathan was the type of specialist he had in mind. She was from one of the Balkan provinces and had years of experience as a care-taker of circus freaks and assorted medical oddities. "She may do if I were Lobster-Boy," I barked, "but I am an elderly, incontinent billionaire!"

My protests came to naught. McGillicuddy left me at the mercy of this hideous creature. Having been in her care for several weeks now, however, I must admit that her skills as a nurse are no worse than Mr. Tin's: She wipes front to back, scrupulously boils the rectal thermometer, and never forgets to remove the tongue depressor from my mouth. I suppose things could be worse, but I despair I will never find my ideal nurse—a woman with enormous mammaries and designs on my fortune.

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