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My Latest New Nurse

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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My Latest New Nurse

Ever since my treacherous ro-bot nurse Mr. Tin fled the estate for parts unknown, my bed-chamber has borne witness to a series of incompetents and charlatans, each a disgrace to the nursing profession. One actually tried to suckle me, as though I were a babe-in-arms, and another would scream in horror after laying eyes upon me and race from the room. Yet another, worst of all, thought the all-purpose cure for my ailments was to immerse me in a tank filled with rubbing alcohol. This only agitated my chronic hemorrhoid condition to the point where my rectum felt like a blast furnace. The nurse was promptly dismissed.

I told my physician, Doc McGillicuddy, of my woes finding a new nurse. Doc replied that I was going through the improper channels. "A man of your highly advanced age and delicate health requires a learned specialist to look after him, not a mere nurse-maid with minimal training," he said. Doc added that he would make it his personal responsibility to find me a proper care-taker.

A few days later, Standish entered my bed-chamber and announced that Doc was here with a suitable find for me. In walked Doc with an eight-foot-tall tattooed pin-head dressed in a nurse's uniform. My sphincter gave away. "What is the meaning of this outrage?" I screamed. "McGillicuddy, have you taken leave of your senses?"

Doc responded that this leviathan was the type of specialist he had in mind. She was from one of the Balkan provinces and had years of experience as a care-taker of circus freaks and assorted medical oddities. "She may do if I were Lobster-Boy," I barked, "but I am an elderly, incontinent billionaire!"

My protests came to naught. McGillicuddy left me at the mercy of this hideous creature. Having been in her care for several weeks now, however, I must admit that her skills as a nurse are no worse than Mr. Tin's: She wipes front to back, scrupulously boils the rectal thermometer, and never forgets to remove the tongue depressor from my mouth. I suppose things could be worse, but I despair I will never find my ideal nurse—a woman with enormous mammaries and designs on my fortune.

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