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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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My Life Would Make A Great Midseason Replacement Sitcom

I'm not sure why, but throughout my adult life, mildly funny things occasionally happen to me. There's just something about me that some people find amusing. Now, I'm no Ray Romano, but when I tell a joke at a wedding, let's just say there's some audible chuckling going on. Guaranteed. And it's high time I did something with my mediocre gift.

My show—I'm pretty sure—would appeal to people who wanted to watch something for 30 minutes before the next program.

We'll probably need a laugh track for some of the dry spells, like getting the mail, or when I'm saying something kind of predictable. I'm not that quick on my feet.

And granted, some parts of my life, like when I'm paying bills or on hold with my credit-card company, could use a little punch-up. But that's the great thing about being a midseason pickup. If we don't hit, we don't hit.

The character of my wife, Barb, might need some reworking, too. Don't get me wrong—I love her and everything—but since she lost her job, she's been a bit of a downer. We'll probably need to retool her to be more sympathetic. Make her a little smarter and she'd make a sharper comic foil for my amiable dullness. But I leave that to the writers.

Point is, I guarantee that a show based on my life would be totally adequate. Seriously, about a third of the time I step out of my door, something kind of comical happens. Like when I got my car serviced, the mechanics kept finding more and more problems with it, and I ended up being four hours late for work, and to top it all, the garage's vending machine ate my dollar without giving me my pretzels. That's passable as wry observational humor, isn't it?

The way I see it, if we bow in February  we won't need a full 22 anyway. We're definitely good for eight, maybe even 12 plotlines. The subplots we'll probably have to make up or get from somewhere else. But that's okay.

I'm not pretending that I'm some kind of three-season sensation, like Freddie Prinze, Jr. But I'm confident that if the network ordered a back nine, my life would have enough faintly engaging moments in it to keep viewers interested through May, after which a reality show could take over.

It wouldn't be that hard to stretch things out. I don't socialize much, and I don't actually know many people.  But I've got an adorable toddler I'm allowed to see on weekends, and I'm sure she's always getting into stuff. America loves kids. Plus, my landlord is always coming over, telling the same jokes and riding my ass—that could be a thing. I have comebacks for some of them.

I caught King Of Queens the other night, and they had a thing happen in a bowling alley. I'll bowl once in a while. Not really my bag, but I've done it. So that's something right there: bowling. Bam. There's your episode three—I go to a bowling alley.

Oh, and I haven't even mentioned my neighbor, Maurice. Black guy, so that's good. He's not around much, but when he is, man alive! He's an interesting  guy. Sang onstage with the Commodores once—true story. I didn't know that until a week or two ago. He might not be up to the standard of an According To Jim, but for my show, "the black-guy neighbor" could be a two-parter. Heck, he could have failed one-season spin-off written all over him. Or maybe they could take my show off the air for a few months and radically rehaul it so Maurice is the star. Then again, that wouldn't be so great for me, so maybe I shouldn't get too ahead of myself here.

America probably won't fall in love with me, but I bet they'd tolerate me for a few episodes if I had a good lead-in. Especially with a little help from an occasional special guest star, like Bobcat Goldthwait. I saw him at a club a few weeks ago, and I have to say, the guy made my life legitimately funnier for a couple minutes. Maybe we could get him.

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