adBlockCheck

My Man's Intuition Tells Me My Neighbor Wants To Sleep With Me

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

My Man's Intuition Tells Me My Neighbor Wants To Sleep With Me

I don't even know what you'd call it—a sixth sense, a little voice, a certain gut feeling—but every man has a special, indefinable intuition about the unspoken matters of the heart. I first noticed mine when I was a teenager. Sometimes it's vague, other times it's a sensation you feel right in your core, but whatever it is, I always pay it heed, and it's never steered me wrong.

And ever since that little blond hottie moved in down the street, my man's intuition's been going off like crazy. See, most people aren't in tune enough with their intuition to see that my neighbor, with her tight body and teasing eyes, is desperate to take a ride on the Jonas pony. After all, as a young, energetic yoga instructor married to some rich, handsome guy who does something in business or stocks or whatever, she seems to have it all. I might not be the best looking guy on the block, but I've been around it a few times, and I know when I'm getting vibed. Particularly when they are sex vibes.

My man's intuition is telling me that she wants to sleep with me, and it's telling me she wants it bad. Real bad.

Male intuition is hard to explain. All men have it, but most either don't understand it or never effectively develop it. To me, it's absolutely indispensable. How else would I pick up on life's silent little cues? Like with this new neighbor: Every time I see her from afar, I get this twinge that tells me she wants nothing more than for me to slip in through the back door to find her wearing bike shorts, a tank top, and pigtails, and give it to her long and hard while her husband is at work.

Even I found it hard to believe at first. But about two weeks after they moved in, I ran into her at the grocery store, and as I was introducing myself, my male intuition started pumping like mad. I don't even remember what we were talking about, but after two minutes I knew that there was a connection. A sex connection. I could probably have taken her right there in the paper towel aisle, but my male intuition said it wasn't the time or place. So I played it cool.

The signals just kept coming, though. Whenever she saw me outside working, she'd wave and sometimes say, "Hey, Ed." Then I noticed that she'd walk in front of the dining room window every night, knowing full well that it was directly across from my house. And every night at around the same time, she'd wash the dishes in one of those teeny shirts she likes to wear. I would just sit in my completely darkened living room, watching her jiggle and sway as she scrubbed those pans. Damn, does my male intuition go crazy when she's doing stuff like that.

My friend Deborah from work thinks that I'm deluding myself. She says that a happily married woman like that would never want to get with a guy like me. What you have to remember, though, is that Deborah, like all women, just doesn't get it. Without a man's intuition, there's no way she could sense what's really going on here. Besides, she's probably just jealous, because my intuition says Deborah totally wants me even though she says she's a lesbian. I can see how that would make her confused.

Yeah, my male intuition tells me that it won't be long before something happens between this neighbor and me. Something sexual. All I have to do is pay close attention and wait for her sign that she's ready. It could be something as small as her forgetting to lock the bathroom door while she's showering. Whenever it is, believe me, I'll be there. And my male intuition tells me that she's going to love it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close