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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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My Mind Is As Sharp As It Ever Was

As I grow increasingly ancient, and therefore more prone to the rapacious violations of that great pervert Father Time, I become imprisoned in my own loath-some flesh. My fore-arms have mostly succumbed to the leprosy, my iron dentures periodically rust together, and, just yesterday, I was awakened from a sound sleep by the concussive gun-shot sounds of boils bursting off my calves.

But this, of course, has always given me a crucial advantage: My enemies–a caste to which you simpering, treasonous readers most certainly belong–under-estimate me as soon as they see the iron lung, the skull-brace, the maggots squirming beneath my skin, the eyelid-ulcers, the piles, and the prescription muzzle. But I am twice as sharp as the dozen smartest of you peasants, and don't you forget it!

My mental acuity is renowned throughout the Eastern Sea-board, and my business-adversaries still speak of my great brain in hushed, awed tones. Do I not captain the greatest news-paper in all the Republic? Was I not the first to incorporate the Aegyptians' Great Pyramid into my business-scheme? Did I not invent castor-oil? Am I not... Not...

Aieeeeee! I am trapped inside a great iron crushing machine! This metal cylinder is squeezing the breath out of me! To me, my horse-men! Crush this clock-work golem! A dollar to the man who frees T. Herman Zweibel! A dollar! Aieeeeee!

Where was I? Some-times, you see, my swift intellect runs ahead of itself, following its own flight of fancy. In this fashion, I was able devise a plan to make the entire Nation dependent on coal-oil, wheedle forth the secrets of the Electoral College, and defeat Orson Welles' great army of mechanical Martians. Such genius is a burden.

Yeeaagh! In the mirror! A hideous, un-dead zombi! Avaunt! Away, beast-thing! Summon my exorcist! Summon my Ukrainian antipope! Help!

A burden, yes, but it is also a tool I combine with my privileged station and inherited fortune to manipulate you all. For example, when my grand-father wished to burn Chicago to the ground, it was I who...

No, Mother! I did not eat your sugar-lard! Put down the belt, Mommy, I will wear the frock to school! I will wear the pretty frock!

What? Ah, yes. And with the help of the Teamsters, the Wright Brothers were quickly and quietly disposed of. As you plainly see, despite my age, my thought still flows quick and clear. So whatever revolution you are fomenting, you had God-damn well better not try it!

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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