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My Mistress Makes The Best Potato Salad

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God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings

THE HEAVENS—Staring off into the middle distance for several minutes in obvious discomfort, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was “hurting real bad” after consuming an entire 20-piece order of spicy angel wings.

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Tips For Handling A Picky Eater

Having a child who refuses to eat most foods can be both frustrating and alarming for parents, but there are ways to work through this phase as a family. Here are The Onion’s tips for handling a picky eater

GMOs: Myth vs. Fact

Consumers have consistently distrusted the use of genetically modified organisms in their food, believing that they make food unsafe for consumption, although a majority of scientific evidence contradicts these views. Here are the common myths associated with GMOs and the facts that refute them

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...
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My Mistress Makes The Best Potato Salad

There's nothing I enjoy more than the creamy, tangy taste of a homemade potato salad. "Heaven in a Bowl," I like to call it. I've been a fool for the stuff ever since I was kid, and I've sampled some pretty tasty batches in my day, too. But let me tell you, if they ever held some sort of Potato Salad Olympics, every gold medal would go to Jessica, the woman I've been nailing behind my wife's back for nearly three years now.

I don't know if it's the fresh ingredients she uses, or that extra little pinch of "T.LC.," but whatever it is, Jessica's potato salad really makes the weekends I spend with her while Cheryl thinks I'm out of town on a work- related trip something special.

You know that old expression "You've tried the rest, now try the best?" Well, when it comes to potato salad, believe me, I've tried the rest, and the one made by the woman I have been stringing along for my own carnal pleasure definitely takes the cake. Heck, I used to think I was pretty handy in the kitchen myself, but Jessica's cooking puts me to shame as surely as my reckless, selfish philandering does.

She's not a professional cook or prostitute, but honestly, she's good enough to be. That's why I'm proud to call her mine! I had a feeling she was special back when she was babysitting my kids in the '90s, but once I got my first bite of that rich, potato-y goodness, that's when I realized this woman was a keeper.

The time I spend at the apartment I'm renting for her is like the Fourth of July: potato salad in the dining room, fireworks in the bedroom, and the celebration of independence from a petty, castrating shrew! The kind of special occasion where I say, "You know what? Forget the extra calories and the risk of spreading an STD to my wife on one of our rare, hellish couplings."

Apparently it's from an old family recipe that Jessica's mother passed down to her along with enough emotional baggage to keep her sexually servicing a man with whom she clearly has no future.

She buys these baby redskin potatoes with her secret monthly cash allowance, adds just enough balsamic vinegar and Grey Poupon, and then tops it off with a perfectly balanced blend of seasonings so mouthwatering that it takes all of my willpower not to gab about it to the very wife and child who must never, ever know. And let me ask you this: Who cares enough to make their own mayonnaise with gourmet olive oil and sea salt? Not my wife, that's for sure. But here's Jessica's big secret: a teaspoon of horseradish in every batch! And here's my big secret: I have sweaty, adulterous sex with Jessica several times a month!

The salad alone would be enough to win me over, but Jessica is great at so much else. Terrific coleslaw, a willingness to wait indefinitely for a divorce I have no intention of getting, the only corn chowder I've ever really liked, and a flawless "telemarketer" voice when she calls my house and Cheryl picks up. Oh! And her baked macaroni-and-cheese is good enough to be an entrée.

Truth be told, I sometimes feel bad about the whole thing. The eggs have so much saturated fat, and I promised my doctor I'd cut my carbs and get more green vegetables. But hey! Where's the fun in life if you can't cheat a little bit?

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