adBlockCheck

My Mistress Makes The Best Potato Salad

Top Headlines

Recent News

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

My Mistress Makes The Best Potato Salad

There's nothing I enjoy more than the creamy, tangy taste of a homemade potato salad. "Heaven in a Bowl," I like to call it. I've been a fool for the stuff ever since I was kid, and I've sampled some pretty tasty batches in my day, too. But let me tell you, if they ever held some sort of Potato Salad Olympics, every gold medal would go to Jessica, the woman I've been nailing behind my wife's back for nearly three years now.

I don't know if it's the fresh ingredients she uses, or that extra little pinch of "T.LC.," but whatever it is, Jessica's potato salad really makes the weekends I spend with her while Cheryl thinks I'm out of town on a work- related trip something special.

You know that old expression "You've tried the rest, now try the best?" Well, when it comes to potato salad, believe me, I've tried the rest, and the one made by the woman I have been stringing along for my own carnal pleasure definitely takes the cake. Heck, I used to think I was pretty handy in the kitchen myself, but Jessica's cooking puts me to shame as surely as my reckless, selfish philandering does.

She's not a professional cook or prostitute, but honestly, she's good enough to be. That's why I'm proud to call her mine! I had a feeling she was special back when she was babysitting my kids in the '90s, but once I got my first bite of that rich, potato-y goodness, that's when I realized this woman was a keeper.

The time I spend at the apartment I'm renting for her is like the Fourth of July: potato salad in the dining room, fireworks in the bedroom, and the celebration of independence from a petty, castrating shrew! The kind of special occasion where I say, "You know what? Forget the extra calories and the risk of spreading an STD to my wife on one of our rare, hellish couplings."

Apparently it's from an old family recipe that Jessica's mother passed down to her along with enough emotional baggage to keep her sexually servicing a man with whom she clearly has no future.

She buys these baby redskin potatoes with her secret monthly cash allowance, adds just enough balsamic vinegar and Grey Poupon, and then tops it off with a perfectly balanced blend of seasonings so mouthwatering that it takes all of my willpower not to gab about it to the very wife and child who must never, ever know. And let me ask you this: Who cares enough to make their own mayonnaise with gourmet olive oil and sea salt? Not my wife, that's for sure. But here's Jessica's big secret: a teaspoon of horseradish in every batch! And here's my big secret: I have sweaty, adulterous sex with Jessica several times a month!

The salad alone would be enough to win me over, but Jessica is great at so much else. Terrific coleslaw, a willingness to wait indefinitely for a divorce I have no intention of getting, the only corn chowder I've ever really liked, and a flawless "telemarketer" voice when she calls my house and Cheryl picks up. Oh! And her baked macaroni-and-cheese is good enough to be an entrée.

Truth be told, I sometimes feel bad about the whole thing. The eggs have so much saturated fat, and I promised my doctor I'd cut my carbs and get more green vegetables. But hey! Where's the fun in life if you can't cheat a little bit?

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close