adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.
End Of Section
  • More News

My Mistress Makes The Best Potato Salad

There's nothing I enjoy more than the creamy, tangy taste of a homemade potato salad. "Heaven in a Bowl," I like to call it. I've been a fool for the stuff ever since I was kid, and I've sampled some pretty tasty batches in my day, too. But let me tell you, if they ever held some sort of Potato Salad Olympics, every gold medal would go to Jessica, the woman I've been nailing behind my wife's back for nearly three years now.

I don't know if it's the fresh ingredients she uses, or that extra little pinch of "T.LC.," but whatever it is, Jessica's potato salad really makes the weekends I spend with her while Cheryl thinks I'm out of town on a work- related trip something special.

You know that old expression "You've tried the rest, now try the best?" Well, when it comes to potato salad, believe me, I've tried the rest, and the one made by the woman I have been stringing along for my own carnal pleasure definitely takes the cake. Heck, I used to think I was pretty handy in the kitchen myself, but Jessica's cooking puts me to shame as surely as my reckless, selfish philandering does.

She's not a professional cook or prostitute, but honestly, she's good enough to be. That's why I'm proud to call her mine! I had a feeling she was special back when she was babysitting my kids in the '90s, but once I got my first bite of that rich, potato-y goodness, that's when I realized this woman was a keeper.

The time I spend at the apartment I'm renting for her is like the Fourth of July: potato salad in the dining room, fireworks in the bedroom, and the celebration of independence from a petty, castrating shrew! The kind of special occasion where I say, "You know what? Forget the extra calories and the risk of spreading an STD to my wife on one of our rare, hellish couplings."

Apparently it's from an old family recipe that Jessica's mother passed down to her along with enough emotional baggage to keep her sexually servicing a man with whom she clearly has no future.

She buys these baby redskin potatoes with her secret monthly cash allowance, adds just enough balsamic vinegar and Grey Poupon, and then tops it off with a perfectly balanced blend of seasonings so mouthwatering that it takes all of my willpower not to gab about it to the very wife and child who must never, ever know. And let me ask you this: Who cares enough to make their own mayonnaise with gourmet olive oil and sea salt? Not my wife, that's for sure. But here's Jessica's big secret: a teaspoon of horseradish in every batch! And here's my big secret: I have sweaty, adulterous sex with Jessica several times a month!

The salad alone would be enough to win me over, but Jessica is great at so much else. Terrific coleslaw, a willingness to wait indefinitely for a divorce I have no intention of getting, the only corn chowder I've ever really liked, and a flawless "telemarketer" voice when she calls my house and Cheryl picks up. Oh! And her baked macaroni-and-cheese is good enough to be an entrée.

Truth be told, I sometimes feel bad about the whole thing. The eggs have so much saturated fat, and I promised my doctor I'd cut my carbs and get more green vegetables. But hey! Where's the fun in life if you can't cheat a little bit?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close