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My Mom Is Totally My Best Friend

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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My Mom Is Totally My Best Friend

I swear, my mom is the coolest. She's totally my best friend. If I'm stressed out about something, I can just call her, and she'll be like, "Hey, what's up?" and she'll just sit and really listen to me.

When I'm with my mom, I can totally just be myself. I can tell her anything and she'll totally understand. It's like we have this bond or something.

It's almost as if she's my sister, only better, since my sister Jessica and I totally hate each other.

I can't even begin to tell you how important my mom has been throughout my life. Ever since I was young, she's totally been there for me. She should get an award for "Mother Of The Year" or something. I'm serious.

She totally deserves it.

When I first went away to college, we were both completely bawling. At first, I thought it would be hard to stay in touch, but you know what? We actually became closer! When I was in high school, sometimes we would get into fights about stupid stuff, but now that I'm out of the house, it's like we're both adults, and we can talk as total equals.

I swear, I can talk to my mom about anything. Like, even though I'm not 21 yet, if I go out to the bars with some of my Alpha Chi Omega sisters and get totally drunk, I can tell my mom, and she's completely cool about it. Sometimes, she even tells me crazy stories about times she got drunk in her sorority days.

My friends are so jealous of my relationship with my mom. They're like, "I can't believe you went to Cancun with your mom, and you can, like, talk to her about sex and stuff! I could never do that with my mom!" That's how cool she is.

My mom has been such an inspiration to me. I really look up to her, not just as a person, but as a woman. She's a lawyer and she has this huge office with really classy-looking furniture, and she has this assistant she makes hail cabs for her when it's raining. Plus, she still looks amazing even though she's 48. I always tell my mom that she's such a hottie! I hope I look half as good when I'm her age.

If anyone asked me who I look up to most in the world, I would definitely say my mom and Meg Ryan. My mom has taught me so much, like that I can succeed in anything I want if I just put my mind to it. Isn't that just the best advice? You know, my mom is always willing to help me, too. When I forgot to register for Biology 201, she called up the dean and told him that with the tuition she pays, they'd better let me into that class. And you know what? They did! Besides being smart, my mom is so amazingly cool. She has incredible taste in cars and clothes. None of my friends would ever be able to trust their parents to pick out their college car. Well, my mom surprised me with an Isuzu Trooper! It's like we're on the same brainwave or something! And my mom and I can totally have fun together. Like last month, she came to visit me, and we got a room at the best hotel in town just so we could hang and de-stress after my midterms. We spent the whole afternoon shopping and getting makeovers at this awesome day spa.

We've had a lot of fun times together, but she's totally helped me through some really rough spots, too. When Zach and I broke up, she was the one who helped me see that I was way too good for him.

Oh! I totally forgot to mention one of the biggest reasons why my mom is the greatest mom in the whole universe. Not only is she is way into letting me borrow her stuff, we're the same shoe size! Isn't that just so cool?

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