My Mom Is Totally My Best Friend

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Vol 34 Issue 17

'Hot 'N' Nasty Butt Cum Chixx' To Appear As 'Creative Concepts' On Credit-Card Bill

PLANO, TX–A phone call to the 1-900 service "Hot 'N' Nasty Butt-Cum Chixx" will be discreetly referred to as "Creative Concepts" when it appears on Plano resident Andre Lucas' credit-card bill next month, it was reported Tuesday. The 11-minute call, during which Lucas masturbated furiously while talking to an unnamed hot and nasty butt-cum chick, will be listed as a $43.89 charge on his Visa bill under the tastefully ambiguous name. Though this is Lucas' first billing-discretion experience involving butt-cum chixx, in May 1997, a 23-minute phone call to "Horny Black Sluts" was billed to "West Coast Promotions."

Revolutionary New Alarm Clock For The Deaf Uses No Hammers

METUCHEN, NJ–America's hearing-impaired are hailing Monday's unveiling of the "Sentinel 450," a breakthrough alarm clock that awakens deaf sleepers without the use of hammers. The alarm clock, developed by Metuchen-based Integrated Products, uses a flashing strobe light to wake hearing-impaired sleepers, rendering obsolete previous models utilizing a mechanical arm to pound the sleeper's cranium with a ball-peen hammer. "Rise and shine in an delightfully new, painless way," trumpets the brochure for the Sentinel 450, expected to hit store shelves in early January. "Now you can be on time for work without all the debilitating concussions, cranial fractures and costly reconstructive facial surgery."

Billy Ray Cyrus To Speak Out On Single-Payer Health-Care Issue On Politically Incorrect

HOLLYWOOD, CA–In the program's most hotly anticipated pronouncement since comedian Elayne Boosler's historic school-voucher address, country-music artist Billy Ray Cyrus will speak out on the issue of single-payer health care Thursday on Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher. Inside sources say Cyrus, best known for his 1992 hit "Achy Breaky Heart," will argue that a single-payer system places health care in its rightful context as a right of all Americans rather than a privilege doled out on the basis of ability to pay. The hunky, denim-clad Cyrus, who for years had remained silent on single-payer health care, is also expected to finally reveal his much-conjectured stance on campaign-finance reform.

Sculptor Criticized For Turning Women Into Objects

NEW YORK–Feminist groups are uniting in protest of sculptor Garrison Byrne, who is accused of turning women into objects for sale to the highest bidder. "The sort of sexist, demeaning objectification of women in which Mr. Byrne engages is shocking and unacceptable," wrote National Women's League president Georgia Richards-Weiss in a letter to The New York Times. "That he actually makes a good living reducing females to lifeless objects is more shocking still."

I'm Going Buggy Over Bug Movies!

Item! This holiday season, not zero, not one, but two bug movies are coming out! The first is about giant radioactive mutant ants who crush everything in their New Mexican path. This film, called Ants!, is a cautionary tale about the dangers of radiation. The second film is a more charming one called Living Bugs, and it's a documentary about bugs. It may sound like a snooze-fest, but it's actually really fascinating. For example, in it we learn that insects can communicate vocally, and many of them sound just like B-list celebrities.

The Gold Standard Must Be Maintained

To-day's Message concerns the importance of maintaining the gold standard, which has long been the bed-rock of monetary policy in our Great Republic. The printing of more green-backs would only prompt inflation and severely under-mine the Republic's over-all prosperity...

Waterboy Mania

Grossing over $80 million in its first two weeks, Adam Sandler's The Waterboy is a bonafide sensation. Why are people flocking to it?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Partying

My Mom Is Totally My Best Friend

I swear, my mom is the coolest. She's totally my best friend. If I'm stressed out about something, I can just call her, and she'll be like, "Hey, what's up?" and she'll just sit and really listen to me.

When I'm with my mom, I can totally just be myself. I can tell her anything and she'll totally understand. It's like we have this bond or something.

It's almost as if she's my sister, only better, since my sister Jessica and I totally hate each other.

I can't even begin to tell you how important my mom has been throughout my life. Ever since I was young, she's totally been there for me. She should get an award for "Mother Of The Year" or something. I'm serious.

She totally deserves it.

When I first went away to college, we were both completely bawling. At first, I thought it would be hard to stay in touch, but you know what? We actually became closer! When I was in high school, sometimes we would get into fights about stupid stuff, but now that I'm out of the house, it's like we're both adults, and we can talk as total equals.

I swear, I can talk to my mom about anything. Like, even though I'm not 21 yet, if I go out to the bars with some of my Alpha Chi Omega sisters and get totally drunk, I can tell my mom, and she's completely cool about it. Sometimes, she even tells me crazy stories about times she got drunk in her sorority days.

My friends are so jealous of my relationship with my mom. They're like, "I can't believe you went to Cancun with your mom, and you can, like, talk to her about sex and stuff! I could never do that with my mom!" That's how cool she is.

My mom has been such an inspiration to me. I really look up to her, not just as a person, but as a woman. She's a lawyer and she has this huge office with really classy-looking furniture, and she has this assistant she makes hail cabs for her when it's raining. Plus, she still looks amazing even though she's 48. I always tell my mom that she's such a hottie! I hope I look half as good when I'm her age.

If anyone asked me who I look up to most in the world, I would definitely say my mom and Meg Ryan. My mom has taught me so much, like that I can succeed in anything I want if I just put my mind to it. Isn't that just the best advice? You know, my mom is always willing to help me, too. When I forgot to register for Biology 201, she called up the dean and told him that with the tuition she pays, they'd better let me into that class. And you know what? They did! Besides being smart, my mom is so amazingly cool. She has incredible taste in cars and clothes. None of my friends would ever be able to trust their parents to pick out their college car. Well, my mom surprised me with an Isuzu Trooper! It's like we're on the same brainwave or something! And my mom and I can totally have fun together. Like last month, she came to visit me, and we got a room at the best hotel in town just so we could hang and de-stress after my midterms. We spent the whole afternoon shopping and getting makeovers at this awesome day spa.

We've had a lot of fun times together, but she's totally helped me through some really rough spots, too. When Zach and I broke up, she was the one who helped me see that I was way too good for him.

Oh! I totally forgot to mention one of the biggest reasons why my mom is the greatest mom in the whole universe. Not only is she is way into letting me borrow her stuff, we're the same shoe size! Isn't that just so cool?

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