adBlockCheck

My Morbidly Obese Wife Said The Most Interesting Thing The Other Day

Top Headlines

Politics

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

My Morbidly Obese Wife Said The Most Interesting Thing The Other Day

After 23 years of marriage, you'd think there would be nothing in the world my morbidly obese wife could do to surprise me anymore. You'd say, "Howard, I bet you know just about everything there is to know about that massive woman of yours." But I guess I still have a lot to learn, because yesterday morning my wife, who is quite fat, turns her head to me and says, "They should do a game show hosted by that father from Growing Pains."

Just like that!

I just laughed and thought to myself, "That's my 450-pound wife for you—always full of surprises!" It's times like these, when she catches me off guard with an insightful comment, that I remember why I married her in the first place. My Kate is truly one of the sweetest, fattest, smartest people I know. She's not only my enormous wife—she's my enormous best friend.

And she's funny, too! Whenever we have guests over at the house, watch out, because my unhealthily overweight wife keeps everyone on their toes with her trademark wit! Like three years ago on my birthday, she gave me this card that had an old man on the front with only four teeth in his mouth, and on the inside it said "Happy Four-Teeth-ith Birthday!" Kate was already giggling before I walked over to her couch-bed to grab the card from between her pudgy, bloated sausage-fingers, so of course I knew something was up. Sure enough, another Kate classic! Boy, my dirigible-sized wife sure knows how to make me laugh.

It's so important to marry someone you can talk to. Over the course of any relationship, you go through lots of ups and downs. On the good days, you're traveling around and going to dinner parties and everyone's still able to fit through standard doorways, but other days are harder, and you've got to be able to cheer each other up when things get tough and you can no longer share a bed in any real sense of the term. But no matter how bad things get, I can always rely on good old immobile-flesh-mound Kate to make me smile.

God, I'm so lucky to have such a fat interesting fat wife.

She really is one of a kind, my Kate. Whenever I see her reading books on treating the various skin disorders that result from chronic obesity or just drowning in her own sweat, I can tell the wheels in her head are spinning. She never stops thinking! Every day, she's thinking and thinking and eating and widening…growing. It's like every part of her is bigger than the next. She's not even a woman anymore, she's just this—this thing I inject insulin into while it consumes stacks of honey-glazed ham like a thresher and says the most adorable things when it isn't wheezing or choking on its own spit and bile.

I love my wife!

Just yesterday we were watching the news and John McCain started talking about how Barack Obama wants to make gas unaffordable for middle-class Americans, and then my wife kind of swayed her arms back and forth to work up the momentum to shift her body in my direction, and as the bulk of what was once her left breast toppled down her expansive upper belly and under her right arm, she said, "Gas is already unaffordable for most middle-class Americans." And wouldn't you know it, as soon as it was his turn to speak, I'll be damned if Obama didn't say almost the same thing!

I swear, if she'd been upright and wasn't being strangled by her own neck flab, I could have kissed her.

I don't mean to go on and on bragging about my amazing wife who's killing herself with food, so I'll just tell you one more vintage Kate story. It's a doozy. See, back in college, my then-not- unspeakably-obese wife lived in a sorority house that used to throw these wild parties. And one time, Kate had a few too many and—well, there was this bra hanging from a ceiling fan and—or was it the staircase? Darn it, she was just telling me yesterday in the kitchen. We were talking about her old sorority and college, and she was telling me about this Halloween party they threw and I realized the skin folds of her underarms were no longer symmetrical and then she said….

Oh, you know what, I just don't tell it as well as my heaving sack of a wife does.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close