adBlockCheck

My New Saga Is Totally Like Yngvar's Saga Meets Gautek's Saga

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

My New Saga Is Totally Like Yngvar's Saga Meets Gautek's Saga

Hearken! Fair was the morning and bright the day when I first noticed that the saga of Gylfy Halfdane—that's me, Gylfy, "The Gylf" to my friends—was in horn, hoof, and hide much alike to Yngvar's saga, with a good bit of Gautek's saga thrown in. This the skalds have said and let none gainsay it: that Yngvar was a great traveler, and was main brave, and doughty, and true, and wise, and fair, and lusty, and was a man who liked a horn of ale in winter and mead in summer; and everyone knows that all these things am I, also, though I be in sooth not so much a King's eldest son and more a maker of inexpensive sledge-runners.

Also is it kennt from glen to glacier that Gautek was a man both cursed and blessed with a difficult family who, though loving him well, beset him with many trials. Well, let me tell you, brother, that is exactly how it is with the Halfdanes, too, because they seriously are just crazy. I could tell you sagas about my brother-in-law alone that would turn your beard the hue of Solstice frost; but like Gautek, I shall come to Valhalla through them, because though they are full of quirk and often try my patience, they are good people at heart.

And is it not sung how Yngvar was a great lover of women, but not of the caretaking of his mead-hall? And that Gautek would lie slothful, not tending to his great red beard until the desire to court would come upon him? And that both would often be caught unawares by the sudden appearance of maidens fair, and then straighten themselves and plait their troths, I think it goes, but look foolish and bumbling in doing so, mighty in deed and heart though they were? That is me all over, for the other day I, Gylfy, and my hall-mate Fafnung were forced to undergo a great cleaning of our log-lodge in but a hundred heartbeats, for lo! the girls were going to be there any minute, and the place waxed sty-like. Certainly these escapades of mine, like theirs, shall one day be sung in the great songs of our folk! For our sagas are very much in the same genre.

I guess my saga is like the best parts of Yngvar's with a little Gautek twist.

There is also the deed much sung of when Yngvar sought the counsel of the great Jarl of the North of Russia, that they might be allied, but was not granted audience; so befriending the Jarl's son, Yngvar made great play of drink, and then rode his steed right through the very doors of the Jarl's mead-hall, and the Jarl could not help acknowledge Yngvar's audacity, and an alliance was duly forged between two nations. That is totally like me! Sing it to the compass points that I, Gylfy, have taken the measure of my own heart and gone drinking with my boss, master sledge-runner crofter Wylm Festgessen and, through skillful application of flattery, advanced my career as Yngvar advanced the cause of his nation.

And, like Gautek, my goodwife's mother—a fulminating sulfur-spring of a woman who could find fault in the Sun's rising—thinks me just an idler in my cups, and says Festgessen only set me in my high place to knock me down some cold day. And that woman is a curse unto me, much like the magic coal Gautek accidentally swallowed that kept him from knowing peace or sleep.

Oh, also Yngvar had a goat named Snorri, and I, too, have a goat named Snorri. I did not, as some have said, name my goat after Yngvar's! It was happenstance. But also symbolic, you must agree.

And so the saga of Gylfy, Gylfy's saga, is like unto these great tales in its warp and woof, like one and the other both, as the King's coin is struck on two sides and contains each side complete yet is its own coin; you get the idea.

My saga, that of a nice all-around guy with a maddening clan he loves, though they frustrate him, is Gylfy's saga called. And so it is said: Gylfy's saga is a saga of the little-guy, a man who lives, loves, and, if he is not full of care, may even learn a thing or two along the way.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close