adBlockCheck

My New Saga Is Totally Like Yngvar's Saga Meets Gautek's Saga

Top Headlines

Recent News

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

My New Saga Is Totally Like Yngvar's Saga Meets Gautek's Saga

Hearken! Fair was the morning and bright the day when I first noticed that the saga of Gylfy Halfdane—that's me, Gylfy, "The Gylf" to my friends—was in horn, hoof, and hide much alike to Yngvar's saga, with a good bit of Gautek's saga thrown in. This the skalds have said and let none gainsay it: that Yngvar was a great traveler, and was main brave, and doughty, and true, and wise, and fair, and lusty, and was a man who liked a horn of ale in winter and mead in summer; and everyone knows that all these things am I, also, though I be in sooth not so much a King's eldest son and more a maker of inexpensive sledge-runners.

Also is it kennt from glen to glacier that Gautek was a man both cursed and blessed with a difficult family who, though loving him well, beset him with many trials. Well, let me tell you, brother, that is exactly how it is with the Halfdanes, too, because they seriously are just crazy. I could tell you sagas about my brother-in-law alone that would turn your beard the hue of Solstice frost; but like Gautek, I shall come to Valhalla through them, because though they are full of quirk and often try my patience, they are good people at heart.

And is it not sung how Yngvar was a great lover of women, but not of the caretaking of his mead-hall? And that Gautek would lie slothful, not tending to his great red beard until the desire to court would come upon him? And that both would often be caught unawares by the sudden appearance of maidens fair, and then straighten themselves and plait their troths, I think it goes, but look foolish and bumbling in doing so, mighty in deed and heart though they were? That is me all over, for the other day I, Gylfy, and my hall-mate Fafnung were forced to undergo a great cleaning of our log-lodge in but a hundred heartbeats, for lo! the girls were going to be there any minute, and the place waxed sty-like. Certainly these escapades of mine, like theirs, shall one day be sung in the great songs of our folk! For our sagas are very much in the same genre.

I guess my saga is like the best parts of Yngvar's with a little Gautek twist.

There is also the deed much sung of when Yngvar sought the counsel of the great Jarl of the North of Russia, that they might be allied, but was not granted audience; so befriending the Jarl's son, Yngvar made great play of drink, and then rode his steed right through the very doors of the Jarl's mead-hall, and the Jarl could not help acknowledge Yngvar's audacity, and an alliance was duly forged between two nations. That is totally like me! Sing it to the compass points that I, Gylfy, have taken the measure of my own heart and gone drinking with my boss, master sledge-runner crofter Wylm Festgessen and, through skillful application of flattery, advanced my career as Yngvar advanced the cause of his nation.

And, like Gautek, my goodwife's mother—a fulminating sulfur-spring of a woman who could find fault in the Sun's rising—thinks me just an idler in my cups, and says Festgessen only set me in my high place to knock me down some cold day. And that woman is a curse unto me, much like the magic coal Gautek accidentally swallowed that kept him from knowing peace or sleep.

Oh, also Yngvar had a goat named Snorri, and I, too, have a goat named Snorri. I did not, as some have said, name my goat after Yngvar's! It was happenstance. But also symbolic, you must agree.

And so the saga of Gylfy, Gylfy's saga, is like unto these great tales in its warp and woof, like one and the other both, as the King's coin is struck on two sides and contains each side complete yet is its own coin; you get the idea.

My saga, that of a nice all-around guy with a maddening clan he loves, though they frustrate him, is Gylfy's saga called. And so it is said: Gylfy's saga is a saga of the little-guy, a man who lives, loves, and, if he is not full of care, may even learn a thing or two along the way.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close