My Novel Addresses Universal Themes Of Humanity And Has Fucking

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Vol 38 Issue 39

Man In Break Room Can Still Hear Time Clock Ticking Loudly

LA GRANDE, OR—Roundy's Food Store stocker Jim Creighton felt ominously watched over by an employee time clock Tuesday as, at exactly 12:13 a.m., it noisily "clunked" over to the second-to-last minute of Creighton's 15-minute break. "Well, two minutes to go," Creighton mumbled grimly to himself, attempting to savor the final precious scraps of leisure time doled out to him by his employer. "Maybe I should grab another Pepsi." Creighton then sighed and stared at the coffee machine for the next 111 seconds.

Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide

MINNEAPOLIS—In the latest legal complication for an NFL player, Minnesota Vikings linebacker Antwone Evans may receive a fine and possibly even a suspension for his role in the mass slaughter of the Lithuanian people in a Sunday pogrom. "In cruelly rounding up and exterminating more than three million Lithuanian men, women, and children, Evans seriously violated the behavior standard to which we hold all our employees," said NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We are currently deliberating on whether to suspend him pending the verdict of his U.N. tribunal."

Civil War Historians Posit 'You Had To Be There' Theory

ATLANTA—After years of conflicting approaches to interpreting the Civil War, a coalition of historians on Tuesday posited the non-specific theory that "you had to be there" to fully understand the complexities of the war. "It's not just a matter of 'Were the Southern forces as confident and dedicated as their Northern counterparts?' or 'Was Gettysburg the turning point?'" said conference chairman Shelby Foote. "The whole gist of the war is just hard to really get unless, you know, you were there and saw it happen." The coalition also advanced a theory that the Great Migration, wherein one million African-Americans moved to northern cities between 1915 and 1920, was "a black thing."

CEO Would Trade 5 Percent Of Stock Options For 10 Percent More Time With His Kids

HARTFORD, CT—Feeling sentimental Tuesday, Allied Plastics CEO Jonathan Mavre said he would gladly sacrifice a significant portion of his liquid assets for increased quality time with his children. "If I had the chance, I would give anything, even 5 percent of my ADM options, for an extra afternoon a week with Jacob and Lauren," Mavre said. "Of course, I'd be smarter to hedge by splitting the loss between ADM and Pepsico."

Prison Warden Appears On Leno With Some Of His Favorite Prisoners

BURBANK, CA—San Quentin State Prison warden Ron Ditmeier wowed Monday's Tonight Show audience by displaying some of his favorite prisoners. "Rufus here is what we call a Throat-Slashing Double-Lifer," Ditmeier said while showing off an inmate to host Jay Leno. "These distinctive markings mean he's a hardcore in the Crips." The educational segment provoked peals of laughter when an Encino Wife-Beater urinated on Leno's shoulder and stabbed him in the eye with a pen.

Ask A Third Party Candidate

Edgar Mayo Jr. is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Third Party Candidate, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Obesity On The Rise

The National Center for Health Statistics recently announced that 64.5 percent of American adults are overweight or obese. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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My Novel Addresses Universal Themes Of Humanity And Has Fucking

I have finally put the finishing touches on my novel, Westbound 90, and though it took forever, I am extremely pleased with the end result. It's a modern-day Candide, a coming-of-age tragicomedy in which the reader is taken on a great journey, both geographically and emotionally. I am confident it will be widely appreciated, as it addresses themes that speak to the human condition and, coincidentally, has loads of fucking.

In Westbound 90, I touch on two universal themes. One is the battle against the void, a war waged by countless souls. In short, I explore the duality of sentience: to be able to analyze, ponder, use tools, and create creature comforts, yet still be driven mad with the repetitiveness of life. The other theme, of course, is that everyone needs a series of explosive, mind-expanding fucks.

Although I don't believe "The Great American Novel" can be written, Westbound 90 is a close approximation. Its 864 pages examine the broad tapestry of American people, confronting issues of race, culture, and religion. Steve, the protagonist, travels all over America, much like Huckleberry Finn, in search of an unspecified object that will either save his life or make him complete. The object is never named, so each reader may project onto it his or her own personal Holy Grail. I also hope readers will project themselves onto the character of Steve, as he indulges in amazing feats of acrobatic fuckery with women of all backgrounds and body types.

The depth and weight of my novel is likely to put some people off, but I believe there's something in it for everyone. For example, who among us hasn't feared losing his identity to the hive-mind of society? In Chapter 15, Steve feels trapped by his job, smothered by his family, and overwhelmed by the dictates of a consumer culture. He finally snaps and heads to the desert to find an autonomous zone where he can reconnect with his true self. I won't give too much away, but he only begins to experience clarity after he bangs a particularly buxom Navajo chick and realizes that true peace can only be found through fucking.

I believe all readers will see something of themselves in Steve as he rails against the darkness of ignorance, chipping away at his own capacity to reason. Westbound 90 will inspire people to break free of their self-imposed holding patterns, and it will inspire them in other ways with a totally hot scene in a convent where Steve has sex with a gorgeous anarchist posing as a nun.

Is technology dehumanizing us? Are the very items that enable us to function using us as much as we use them? Steve begins to feel that way when he spends a week without a meaningful encounter with another human being. But by chapter's end, Steve—and, by association, humanity—is redeemed by a six-way orgy of sloppy, fluid-soaked, triple-penetrating, bed-frame-splintering überfucking, proving to him once and for all that some human acts can never be replicated by machine.

I would ask you to keep an open mind while reading Westbound 90. Whether or not you agree with my conclusions, you can take something away from the book, and if nothing else, it will make you think. It may raise points you had never considered before. And it will make you see fucking in a whole new light.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel inspired to write a new short story about a woman, her dreams, and her cunnilingus.

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