My Opponent Knows Where Washington Is On A Map; I Don't, And I Never Will

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My Opponent Knows Where Washington Is On A Map; I Don't, And I Never Will

As your Republican nominee for U.S. Senate, I'm grateful to have this opportunity to reach out to the people of Wisconsin and draw some distinctions between myself—a D.C. outsider—and Russ Feingold. The incumbent is a classic tax-and-spend liberal who, if elected, will increase the deficit even further. But most importantly, Russ Feingold is a career politician who knows exactly where to find our nation's capital on a map.

Me? I don't have the slightest idea. If somebody asked me right now where Washington, D.C. is, I would say north, but that's really just a shot in the dark. I am literally clueless.

You see, Russ Feingold has been a senator for nearly 20 years. He knows the Beltway backwards and forwards. Heck, I bet he could even tell you which state Washington, D.C. is in. I, on the other hand, don't even know what the "D.C." stands for, and I never will. I'll die before I acquire that information, and that is my promise to you.

Is D.C. where Mount Rushmore is? Beats me. Ask Russ Feingold.

Truth be told, I never even heard the name "Washington, D.C." until I decided to run for the Senate. When I am elected, I will have no idea how to get there or where I'm supposed to go. Will there be buildings there? Is it temperate, rainy, hot, or arid? Do people speak English in this place, this Washington, D.C.?

I haven't the foggiest. But you know who does? You know who probably knows what year Washington, D.C. was founded and who it's named after? Russ Feingold, geography whiz and soon-to-be-former senator from the great state of Wisconsin.

If, in fact, Wisconsin is even technically a state. Is it? To tell you the truth, I'm not 100 percent certain America is made up of states. We might be living in a fiefdom, for all I know.

Am I spelling that right? "Wisconsin." It looks weird written out.

What I do know is that my opponent is a liberal, he'll raise your taxes, and he didn't vote for financial reform because he didn't think it went far enough. Now let me ask you a question: Isn't it time you elected an outsider who doesn't even know what casting a vote means? Someone who doesn't know the number of U.S. senators or whether they are appointed by some kind of special committee?

Ladies and gentlemen, isn't it time you elected someone who only learned five minutes ago that there are three branches of government, not 14?

Once again: Russ Feingold could point out Washington, D.C. with his eyes closed, and I have never quite grasped the difference between a map and a light-up globe. That is the difference I bring to the race, and that is the kind of leadership we need.

For the past 17 years Russ Feingold has done nothing but let down the people of this great state, or territory, or place, or whatever this is. He's a D.C. insider who has well-thought-out positions on issues. I don't know what issues are.

I want your vote, if that is a thing, and I want a lot of them—as many as you can spare. Perhaps you could mail them to me. I don't know.

While Russ Feingold likes to talk about how he's worked across the aisle and fostered relationships with both John McCain and members of the House of Representatives to pass campaign finance reform, I am proud to say that, as a political outsider, I could not begin to tell you what an aisle is or how the House of Representatives is remotely involved. Furthermore, who the heck is John McCain?

Here is what I know: Washington, D.C. is far away. Outer space is farther away. And Caesar salad is a kind of salad. What more do you need?

What we don't need is Russ Feingold, who is a Democrat capable of conjugating verbs and composing thoughts in sentence form. I'll be honest, I have absolutely no clue what I've been saying here this entire time. What is time? Where am I? Who are you? How do telescopes work, and why am I writing this right now? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

Because I am an outsider and Russ Feingold is a man with dark hair.

Furthermore, overspending, the left-wing media, tax cuts, class warfare, Muslims, Obamacare, Nancy Pelosi, corporate giveaways, socialism, Nancy Pelosi. Washington, D.C.

Voter-people of Wisoncassinn, my name is Rob Jameson, and I want to be your congressman or Parliament or surgeon general or whatever the hell it is I'm running for. Thank you.