adBlockCheck

My Personal Shopper Is The Worst

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Surprises

My Personal Shopper Is The Worst

I called up Alexa at Bergdorf's Sunday night and told her I needed gloves, a hat, an evening dress, two coats,12 sweaters, a couple hair accessories, a slouchy belt, and some stockings, because I threw my old ones out by accident. I needed a new watch, too—something modern and new but traditional and in platinum—but I just called up Enrico for that, because he knows my hands.

Well, Monday morning rolled around, and then it was Monday afternoon, and I still didn't have my purchases. When Alexa finally showed up, I understood why she'd taken so long—she had clearly gone out of her way to hand pick the most hideous pieces from the most hideous collections, carefully ensuring, while she was at it, that several of the items were not even in my size. (I'm a Versace 6, a Marc Jacobs 4.)

I don't understand what was going through her head when she chose that J. Mendel evening dress. Basic black? I'm not trying to buy an evening dress that I'll be able to wear for years to come, thank you.

I may as well have a colorblind Mongoloid doing the job for me. And her voice. That awful, mousy little mumbled falsetto. "Enunciate!" I said. "It's no wonder you're living in a fifth-floor walkup."

And La Perla bras? Completely off the mark. I told her I wanted sexy, not a bra for my grandmother. If that's her idea of sensuous lingerie, it's no wonder she can't keep a man committed to her.

I try to be forgiving to the poor girl, because I know that it must be hard to be so unattractive, but some of these items go beyond the pale. The Be & D handbag looked like something an insane person would carry. And when I asked her to pick up my dry cleaning, she acted like I was the one out of line. Two words. Service. Industry. Thank you.

I could perhaps have humored her if she came back with two or three gaudy cashmere sweaters. Taste is, after all, subjective. That she brought me 12, however, is more than I should have to endure. I took the sweaters to spare myself the hassle, but Lord knows they're going to be sitting in the back of my closet unworn ten years from now.

I should have gone with that homosexual with the harelip, Chi-Chi.

I could fire her, but then I would have to go through this incredible bore every afternoon when I go to Bergdorf's. Besides, it's more than I can do right now. I'm up to my ears in planning next season's winter formal. This is a disaster.

Maybe I can just hand the Be & D to a homeless person. They might be thrilled. Wait, Janice Goldman's daughter adores Be & D. I'll give Janice the bag next time I see her in the park, pretend this never happened, and just pray that Marie Elaine has fared better.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close