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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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My Play

During my years as a hard-bitten newspaper-man, I rarely had time for culture. But after a court order forced my retirement, at last I was free to indulge in artistic pursuits and to pen gripping works of drama. With that in mind, I now present to you my latest play in two acts, The Happy Bed-Chamber.

CAST:

MR. SWEEBUL, elderly invalid plutocrat

BLANDISH, his faithful man-servant

NURSE, his mechanical ro-bot nurse

THE IRON LUNG, his mechanical breathing device

PRESIDENT WOODROW WILSON, leader of the Republic

(ACT 1. A vast but ill-lit and urine-smelling bed-chamber. MR. SWEEBUL is in his bed, being cared for by NURSE. Enter BLANDISH.)

BLANDISH: Forgive my intrusion, sir, but I have a cable here from the President of the United States.

SWEEBUL: Wilson? What in the name of God does he want?

BLANDISH: Nothing specific, sir, but he does mention that he will be visiting the Estate to-day to give you something special.

SWEEBUL: I do hope it is a vial of Dr. Klimpt's Poultry Liniment, as my anus is as hot as Hades and burning-red besides, and it will soothe it.

BLANDISH: Very good, sir.

(Exit BLANDISH.)

(ACT 2. The bed-chamber again. SWEEBUL still abed, with NURSE attending. Enter BLANDISH.)

BLANDISH: Sir, the President.

(Exit BLANDISH. Enter PRESIDENT WOODROW WILSON.)

WILSON: Sweebul, old stick, how the devil are you?

SWEEBUL: Get down to brass tacks, Wilson, I'm a busy man.

WILSON: I myself cannot tarry, as I must capture that wretched Pancho Villa. In the meanwhile, here is a small gift to you from me, with my warmest compliments.

(WILSON hands SWEEBUL a small, gaily-wrapped box. With great difficulty, SWEEBUL manages to lift the lid.)

SWEEBUL: A vial of Dr. Klimpt's Poultry Liniment! Glory be! My anus shall be as smooth as velvet once again!

(Curtain.)

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