adBlockCheck

My Play

Top Headlines

Recent News

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

My Play

During my years as a hard-bitten newspaper-man, I rarely had time for culture. But after a court order forced my retirement, at last I was free to indulge in artistic pursuits and to pen gripping works of drama. With that in mind, I now present to you my latest play in two acts, The Happy Bed-Chamber.

CAST:

MR. SWEEBUL, elderly invalid plutocrat

BLANDISH, his faithful man-servant

NURSE, his mechanical ro-bot nurse

THE IRON LUNG, his mechanical breathing device

PRESIDENT WOODROW WILSON, leader of the Republic

(ACT 1. A vast but ill-lit and urine-smelling bed-chamber. MR. SWEEBUL is in his bed, being cared for by NURSE. Enter BLANDISH.)

BLANDISH: Forgive my intrusion, sir, but I have a cable here from the President of the United States.

SWEEBUL: Wilson? What in the name of God does he want?

BLANDISH: Nothing specific, sir, but he does mention that he will be visiting the Estate to-day to give you something special.

SWEEBUL: I do hope it is a vial of Dr. Klimpt's Poultry Liniment, as my anus is as hot as Hades and burning-red besides, and it will soothe it.

BLANDISH: Very good, sir.

(Exit BLANDISH.)

(ACT 2. The bed-chamber again. SWEEBUL still abed, with NURSE attending. Enter BLANDISH.)

BLANDISH: Sir, the President.

(Exit BLANDISH. Enter PRESIDENT WOODROW WILSON.)

WILSON: Sweebul, old stick, how the devil are you?

SWEEBUL: Get down to brass tacks, Wilson, I'm a busy man.

WILSON: I myself cannot tarry, as I must capture that wretched Pancho Villa. In the meanwhile, here is a small gift to you from me, with my warmest compliments.

(WILSON hands SWEEBUL a small, gaily-wrapped box. With great difficulty, SWEEBUL manages to lift the lid.)

SWEEBUL: A vial of Dr. Klimpt's Poultry Liniment! Glory be! My anus shall be as smooth as velvet once again!

(Curtain.)

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close