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My Reclining Squirrel Kung Fu Stance Is Eminently Defeatable

Dare you face me? I should think so! Even the most craven cowards of our land shake with laughter at my challenge. The most feeble and infirm peasants shrug with indifference when I pass. Far and wide, my name is known, and no men feel the slightest quaver of fear when they look upon me! For I am the legendary Quaking Rodent, and my Reclining Squirrel stance is eminently defeatable!

Do not stand there looking at your shoes! Prepare to humiliate me! Face me with honor and make ready for the battle that you will win.

I will disgust you as I beg for mercy!

I have journeyed for almost a day, detouring several miles to avoid the frighteningly high bridge over the Yue Jiang river, so that I might challenge the one man in all of China who any girl-child could conquer! The elders told me there was no one worse at kung fu than you. "Ha!" I laughed in their faces. "My technique is infinitely inferior to any he may have learned!" After I apologized and begged the elders for their mercy, I made a vow. "I shall find this man you speak of, wherever he is napping. And, on the day I find him, I will be beaten to a bloody pulp!" Now I stand before you, and we will see who holds the title of Worst Kung Fu Master.

I am down here on the floor, coward! Prepare to beat me! All shall conquer practitioners of the notoriously ineffective Reclining Squirrel stance! You will destroy me!

Many years have I studied in anticipation of this day, laboring under the gentle tutelage of ancient master Breaking Reed, who taught me the Contemptible Way of the Reclining Squirrel. It was said of Breaking Reed that none had ever lost to him, so well trained was he in the arts of the squirrel stance. He remains to this day the only man I have ever defeated in battle. Yes, you heard me correctly—I killed my master! And on this day, you shall annihilate me and avenge his death.

Your superior kung fu shall wreak devastation upon my famous Squirrel-Covering-Nuts maneuver! Your fists will easily overcome my pathetic Skittering-To-Other-Side-Of-Tree defense! I will shatter in the face of your attack as I deploy the Blank-Staring-Face move! No matter how useless your technique, you shall be victorious. The Reclining Squirrel stance can only be defeated!

And, as you stand over me on the field of victory, my master Breaking Reed shall look down from the heavens and laugh with derision at my total annihilation at your hands! Ha ha ha ha, he will laugh!

My death is certain! Face your destiny and break me apart like a clod of dirt!

Nothing cannot defeat Quaking Rodent! The Slightly Twitching-Tail attack leaves no mark! The Relaxing-On-Branch kick has never caused my opponents the slightest bit of damage! And if that's not enough, then you will finish me with my signature move, the one it took me years to hone to perfection: The Bloated-With-Acorns-And-Too-Sleepy-To-Move defense!

Quit your sniveling! I have cowered in fear before hundreds of warriors. You have come face to face with the one man in all of China weaker, dumber, and lazier than yourself! Prepare for battle, Stunted Duckling! For you will live to see the sun rise tomorrow!

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

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