adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

My Reclining Squirrel Kung Fu Stance Is Eminently Defeatable

Dare you face me? I should think so! Even the most craven cowards of our land shake with laughter at my challenge. The most feeble and infirm peasants shrug with indifference when I pass. Far and wide, my name is known, and no men feel the slightest quaver of fear when they look upon me! For I am the legendary Quaking Rodent, and my Reclining Squirrel stance is eminently defeatable!

Do not stand there looking at your shoes! Prepare to humiliate me! Face me with honor and make ready for the battle that you will win.

I will disgust you as I beg for mercy!

I have journeyed for almost a day, detouring several miles to avoid the frighteningly high bridge over the Yue Jiang river, so that I might challenge the one man in all of China who any girl-child could conquer! The elders told me there was no one worse at kung fu than you. "Ha!" I laughed in their faces. "My technique is infinitely inferior to any he may have learned!" After I apologized and begged the elders for their mercy, I made a vow. "I shall find this man you speak of, wherever he is napping. And, on the day I find him, I will be beaten to a bloody pulp!" Now I stand before you, and we will see who holds the title of Worst Kung Fu Master.

I am down here on the floor, coward! Prepare to beat me! All shall conquer practitioners of the notoriously ineffective Reclining Squirrel stance! You will destroy me!

Many years have I studied in anticipation of this day, laboring under the gentle tutelage of ancient master Breaking Reed, who taught me the Contemptible Way of the Reclining Squirrel. It was said of Breaking Reed that none had ever lost to him, so well trained was he in the arts of the squirrel stance. He remains to this day the only man I have ever defeated in battle. Yes, you heard me correctly—I killed my master! And on this day, you shall annihilate me and avenge his death.

Your superior kung fu shall wreak devastation upon my famous Squirrel-Covering-Nuts maneuver! Your fists will easily overcome my pathetic Skittering-To-Other-Side-Of-Tree defense! I will shatter in the face of your attack as I deploy the Blank-Staring-Face move! No matter how useless your technique, you shall be victorious. The Reclining Squirrel stance can only be defeated!

And, as you stand over me on the field of victory, my master Breaking Reed shall look down from the heavens and laugh with derision at my total annihilation at your hands! Ha ha ha ha, he will laugh!

My death is certain! Face your destiny and break me apart like a clod of dirt!

Nothing cannot defeat Quaking Rodent! The Slightly Twitching-Tail attack leaves no mark! The Relaxing-On-Branch kick has never caused my opponents the slightest bit of damage! And if that's not enough, then you will finish me with my signature move, the one it took me years to hone to perfection: The Bloated-With-Acorns-And-Too-Sleepy-To-Move defense!

Quit your sniveling! I have cowered in fear before hundreds of warriors. You have come face to face with the one man in all of China weaker, dumber, and lazier than yourself! Prepare for battle, Stunted Duckling! For you will live to see the sun rise tomorrow!

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close