My Reclining Squirrel Kung Fu Stance Is Eminently Defeatable

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Vol 41 Issue 04

Roommate Not Seen For, Like, Five Days

LEXINGTON, KY—Ty Crandon and Wesley Sandino realized Tuesday that they haven't seen roommate Joel Kramer in, like, five days. "Dude, have you seen Joel?" Crandon asked Sandino as the two sorted the mail. "No? Shit. His door is closed, but I knocked and there was no answer. I don't think I've seen him since, like, Thursday." Sandino and Crandon said they figure he's been staying at girlfriend Nora Krause's or something, and they hope he's all right.

Doctor Unable To Hide His Excitement From Patient With Ultra-Rare Disease

ROCHESTER, MN—Dr. Erich Stellbrach, a general practitioner at the Mayo Clinic, could barely contain his exhilaration Monday upon discovering that patient Oliver Patterson, 54, has the extremely rare degenerative nerve disease Gertsmann-Straussler-Scheinker syndrome. "Mr. Patterson, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but you have—you're not going to believe it—spinocerebellar ataxia!" Stellbrach said, waving an x-ray of Patterson's spinal cord. "It afflicts only one in 2.9 million people!" Stellbrach recommended Patterson begin aggressive treatment to mitigate his impending brain dysfunction and onset of dementia, and made the patient promise to remain in his care.

GEICO Saves 15 Percent Or More By Discontinuing Advertising

WASHINGTON, DC—Executives at the car-insurance company GEICO learned Monday that they could slice 15 percent or more from their operating budget by discontinuing their extensive TV advertising campaign. "We couldn't believe it when we found out how much we could save by axing that ad campaign," said Tony Nicely, GEICO's chairman, president, and CEO. "Dropping that CGI gecko saved us a quarter of a million dollars—and it only took one phone call to our marketing department." Nicely added that sometimes a company has to save money to save money.

Part Written Specifically With Sylvia Saint In Mind

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Aspiring porn screenwriter Dick Shavers said Monday that he wrote his script Blonde Rambition for Czech-born actress Sylvia Saint. "Sylvia's an incredible performer, so I wanted to create a project that I could involve her in," Shavers said. "She's got a real knack for portraying vulnerable innocence with the experience of a pro. I knew Sylvia was the only person who could play the cum-hungry co-ed who gets double pumped by two black studs." Shavers added that he thinks Saint already owns the cheerleading outfit required for the first scene.

The Rice Confirmation

After a delay caused by Congressional Democrats, Condoleezza Rice will be confirmed as Secretary of State this week. What do you think?

Someday, I Will Copyedit The Great American Novel

Most of my coworkers here at Washington Mutual have no idea who I really am. They see me correcting spelling errors in press releases and removing excess punctuation from quarterly reports, and they think that's all there is to me. But behind these horn-rimmed glasses, there's a woman dreaming big dreams. I won't be stuck standardizing verb tenses in business documents my whole life. One day, I will copyedit the Great American Novel.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

My Reclining Squirrel Kung Fu Stance Is Eminently Defeatable

Dare you face me? I should think so! Even the most craven cowards of our land shake with laughter at my challenge. The most feeble and infirm peasants shrug with indifference when I pass. Far and wide, my name is known, and no men feel the slightest quaver of fear when they look upon me! For I am the legendary Quaking Rodent, and my Reclining Squirrel stance is eminently defeatable!

Do not stand there looking at your shoes! Prepare to humiliate me! Face me with honor and make ready for the battle that you will win.

I will disgust you as I beg for mercy!

I have journeyed for almost a day, detouring several miles to avoid the frighteningly high bridge over the Yue Jiang river, so that I might challenge the one man in all of China who any girl-child could conquer! The elders told me there was no one worse at kung fu than you. "Ha!" I laughed in their faces. "My technique is infinitely inferior to any he may have learned!" After I apologized and begged the elders for their mercy, I made a vow. "I shall find this man you speak of, wherever he is napping. And, on the day I find him, I will be beaten to a bloody pulp!" Now I stand before you, and we will see who holds the title of Worst Kung Fu Master.

I am down here on the floor, coward! Prepare to beat me! All shall conquer practitioners of the notoriously ineffective Reclining Squirrel stance! You will destroy me!

Many years have I studied in anticipation of this day, laboring under the gentle tutelage of ancient master Breaking Reed, who taught me the Contemptible Way of the Reclining Squirrel. It was said of Breaking Reed that none had ever lost to him, so well trained was he in the arts of the squirrel stance. He remains to this day the only man I have ever defeated in battle. Yes, you heard me correctly—I killed my master! And on this day, you shall annihilate me and avenge his death.

Your superior kung fu shall wreak devastation upon my famous Squirrel-Covering-Nuts maneuver! Your fists will easily overcome my pathetic Skittering-To-Other-Side-Of-Tree defense! I will shatter in the face of your attack as I deploy the Blank-Staring-Face move! No matter how useless your technique, you shall be victorious. The Reclining Squirrel stance can only be defeated!

And, as you stand over me on the field of victory, my master Breaking Reed shall look down from the heavens and laugh with derision at my total annihilation at your hands! Ha ha ha ha, he will laugh!

My death is certain! Face your destiny and break me apart like a clod of dirt!

Nothing cannot defeat Quaking Rodent! The Slightly Twitching-Tail attack leaves no mark! The Relaxing-On-Branch kick has never caused my opponents the slightest bit of damage! And if that's not enough, then you will finish me with my signature move, the one it took me years to hone to perfection: The Bloated-With-Acorns-And-Too-Sleepy-To-Move defense!

Quit your sniveling! I have cowered in fear before hundreds of warriors. You have come face to face with the one man in all of China weaker, dumber, and lazier than yourself! Prepare for battle, Stunted Duckling! For you will live to see the sun rise tomorrow!

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