My Revenge Will Be Rushed And Unfulfilling

Top Headlines

Recent News

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

My Revenge Will Be Rushed And Unfulfilling

Ah, yes. The time is at hand. No more shall the countless humiliations you have heaped upon me go unanswered. At last, the moment of reckoning. A forced, sloppy, blink-and-you'll-miss-it reckoning.

You shall rue the day you met me, my friend. If indeed you even remember who I am.

Secretly, silently, have I contemplated my revenge. Oh, how I've dreamed vaguely of this moment, waking with just a hazy recollection of standing triumphant over you while you pleaded helplessly for something or other. Most likely mercy. But when the real time comes, I shall grant no mercy, just as you are unlikely to ask for any, because you're probably not going to know, or care, what hit you.

I have been laying the groundwork of my plan for the better part of this morning! There are many holes in it, but it culminates in the utterance of a cruel, pretty obscure nickname that only I and one other person I met on the Internet know. Numerous details still need to be worked out, but rest assured, when the time is not quite right, I will act hesitantly and ineffectively, making you look the fool in theory, but not in practice, in front of up to three people, including me.

I cannot wait to see the look of borderline indifference in your eyes, if you're facing me at the time! The expression of slight confusion that will wash over you as my plan unfolds and then swiftly fizzles out.

Oh, how completely unsatisfactory it's going to be. Just you wait, my friend. Just you wait and see.

Afterward, I will likely return to my inner sanctum, replaying the moment over and over in my head, kicking myself for jumping the gun and wishing I hadn't been too cheap to spring for a more elaborate comeuppance.

Realistically speaking, I probably shouldn't be writing these words, as they are making my plan itself public knowledge. After all, the less you comprehend of my botched, hasty attempt at vengeance, the more it will take you by mild surprise. That said, I so look forward to it. Just know that I fully planned to contact the cheerleader you had a crush on in high school and invite her to share in your downfall, but I kind of ran out of time and never got around to finding out which one she was, or where you went to high school, or important stuff like that.

My God, I can feel the sobering rush of disappointment rising within me already!

Yes, my friend, the sense of anticipation is delicious, yet not so enticing that I won't under-think my plot so it has no chance of working. Case in point: I forgot to purchase the bungee cord that is needed for the launching mechanism, so I've improvised with a handful of cracked old rubber bands that I scraped together around the office, all but guaranteeing a spectacular failure. Ah, what shallow depths of cunning my feeble mind has plumbed.

When I exact my tepid revenge—if you can call it that—you will know a brief moment of bewilderment before carrying on with the rest of your day and, indeed, your life. And I will be filled with shame and regret, too defeated ever to try to best you again.

It's like the old saying goes: "Revenge is a dish best served as soon as the urge strikes." And so I shall. Probably.

Now, where did I put that pie?