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My Seed Is Pure

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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My Seed Is Pure

For eight years I have been the leading supplier of hybrid seed corn in Winneshiek County, and the reason is clear: My seed is pure!

I have come to assume my dominant position in this farm community due to the high quality and timely delivery of my seed. Come to Schmidt Feed & Farm Supply, conveniently located in Kendallville just over the bridge, and you will leave smiling and satisfied in every way, if not utterly amazed at the performance. You must have my seed!

Use my select seed, and your crop will show resistance to blight and drought and be less susceptible to strain stalk diseases. If you do not believe me, I will take you to my farm and show you the potency of my seed. Strong, turgid, fattening plants shoot up through the ground in the torrid Iowa sun.

Grab the thick base of the stalk in your hand and feel that it is alive and growing larger by the minute. Sweat will shine on your face as you ride my massive tractor around the grounds of my expansive farm.

I will smile down at you as you kneel and gently run your hands through the moist patch of dense growth at my most precious, secret spot—the plot of land where I personally test each and every variety of seed corn that I sell.

Ask me for my seed, and the day you have longed for, the day you have dreamed about, will soon arrive: When the corn is large and ripe for the taking, you can place your lips around the heavy cob, savoring the texture, the smell and, finally, the taste as you bite gently and your mouth is filled with sweet juice.

You will then thank me, thank me passionately. For I will have provided you with top-quality farm supplies at a reasonable price! We're just a block from Hill's Veterinary Clinic and the Kendallville Credit Union, so enjoy the convenience of just one trip to town!

For eight years, people have traveled miles for my potent seed, fighting for a place in line. I invite women and men alike to share in my superior seed, but in this day and age, I must be careful. If there is someone who is not fit to carry my seed and bring it to term, whether it be because of a broken wagon or a dry well, I will not waste my seed on them. My seed is select!

Come to Schmidt's Feed & Farm Supply and experience it for yourself.

My oldest children rush about the store to fulfill my orders while I take customers to the back storeroom one by one. There I show them my burlap sacks, heavy and bulging with premium seed renowned for its fertility.

Even if you've heard the stories, you'll still be astounded when I pour my seed out into your hands. My seed corn is guaranteed to be free of insects and rodents and is carefully tested for bacteria, fungus and spore growth.

Bill Edwards of Cloverleaf Hy-Bred Seed often comes to scout out my store. He walks by silently, with his hands in his overall pockets, sucking on a stalk of wheat. I lock eyes with him, and the hair under his John Deere cap bristles, but I do not even flinch.

I have marked my territory—it is all of Winneshiek County—and I will continue to bury my robust seed deep in the land until I am no longer physically able.

Hear me well, good people—mine is the superior seed!

Schmidt Feed & Farm Supply is located two blocks west of the Rhineholdt Dairy on Schoepke Road, just five minutes from the Highway 11 exit.

We're open Monday to Friday from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m., and Saturdays from 9 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.

We also carry heavy equipment, livestock, medicinal supplies and much, much more, so come on down and check out the store! You'll be glad you did.

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