My Son Has Exactly The Ideas Needed To Turn This Company Around

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NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.

Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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My Son Has Exactly The Ideas Needed To Turn This Company Around

Our company started manufacturing and reconditioning toner cartridges back in 1993, and 15 years later, Wernicke is the name you can trust when it comes to toner cartridges. But with changes in technology and higher production costs, these last few years have been tough. So after a great deal of deliberation, I've decided what this company needs is a fresh face, a new approach, and someone who is directly related to me—my son, Adam, our new chief operating officer.

Obviously, we looked at a large number of applicants for this job, and it was a hard decision to make. But Adam brings a lot to the table: He's young, he's eager, and he was the only candidate under consideration who passed through my wife's birth canal.

Those of you who are not related to me will be reporting directly to him.

You remember Adam. I used to bring him with me during the summer, and he'd run around, stealing office supplies and listening in on people's phone calls. Well, he's all grown up now, and he's not really up to anything at the moment. In short, he's just the man for the job.

Some people around here will no doubt grumble. They'll say that the position should go to Jerry Arbrecht, who has, admittedly, been with the company since the beginning. They'll say Jerry has the sort of nuts-and-bolts experience we need to weather the storm. Well, I didn't get to be No. 1 in third-party toner cartridge manufacturing and importing by following the pack mentality, and I say we bring in someone who is carrying my DNA and doesn't know the first thing about the business.

Yes, it's been a rough year. This country is in an economic downturn, and that means fewer toner cartridges being sold. On top of that, we're still smarting from losing Paul Parduhn—one of the top cartridge men in the industry—to the competition after his 10 solid years with us. But we're at a crossroads now. And the situation calls for spontaneity, openness to new viewpoints, and a person with whom I share 50 percent of my genetic makeup.

At a time when growth is stagnant, Adam is just the kind of having-the-last-name-Wernicke-type person this company needs to reclaim its luster. I first noticed Adam's leadership qualities when he rose to the top of the Cub Scout troop where I was scoutmaster. He came in a close second at the River Valley High School talent competition. He went on to graduate with a strong passing GPA from an Ivy League college that I got him into, and he's got the fresh ideas that will make the employees of Wernicke Toners sit up and take notice as they start to question everything they worked so hard for all their lives.

We were lucky that this visionary new addition to our staff happened to be available and right nearby, since he's currently living in his old room, having recently returned from two months of gaining valuable international experience for this company by bumming around Europe.

This position requires someone who has a lot of potential for growth, and Adam has demonstrated just that quality by growing up, under my roof, for over 20 years. I've had several serious conversations with Adam about what he wants out of life, and I can tell you that he's been chomping at the bit to be installed sight unseen at the top of a business that employs 175 people and is owned by his father.

What do we need right now? Some sort of business-school-educated bookworm who knows nothing but numbers, or my son, who has great ideas and is my son?

Yes, arbitrarily placing him in charge is a bold move on my part. But we don't have time to waste working him up from the bottom, familiarizing him with the company or even with the business world in general. We don't need someone related to me in six months—we need someone related to me right now. A young man who can roll up his sleeves and put his nose to the grindstone, as Adam will do just as soon as I drag him in here, sit him at a desk, and make him start drawing a six-figure salary, by God.

He's thoroughly experienced in the court-mandated volunteer sector. He's shown a lot of promise in the lawn-mowing arena for the past 16 years. And most importantly, I am completely confident in his ability to remain related to me no matter what.

I promise you, give Adam your full support and you won't be disappointed in him, unlike my cousin Chuck, who ran off with $500,000 in your pensions last year.

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